Sep 2010 30

By Malloreigh

Dating is immeasurably frustrating. It’s not like the dating pool is huge to begin with – sure, there are lots of people out there, but we all have our tastes, our proclivities, our peculiarities. Sometimes we fall in lust with someone totally unavailable; sometimes the opposite happens; sometimes we like someone enough to date them and only find out after we’ve given away our hearts that they are fake poser liar cheating assholes. Ahem. Sorry, it’s not like I’m speaking from personal experience…

So imagine dating; imagine how difficult, how awkward, how soul-killing it is. Now, throw being a vegan into the mix. I’ve been on a few dates with people who chose to be totally offensive and disrespectful of my eating preferences. That, my friends, is a dealbreaker – so the next time you’re on a date with a vegan, don’t make any of those tacky jokes, and don’t try to feed your restricted-diet potential lover a bite of your steak at dinner – it’s just rude.

But wait, it gets better. Some vegans choose not to sleep with meat-eaters altogether. Some vegans go so far as to only sleep with other vegans. It’s a phenomenon called “vegansexuality” – and I think it’d be more common among vegans if it weren’t so damn hard to find other eligible, attractive vegans. But despite the extra effort involved – a vegan-only dating diet can be worth it in more ways than one. See, when your diet is poor – and this includes not only meat, but soda, alcohol, cigarettes – it affects your health, which in turn – pay attention! – affects the way you smell and taste. (Sometimes, it also affects your asshole factor. See above.)

[Pictured: Uva in Veggie Picnic]

(It’s fresh, it’s fruity, it’s vegan, and it tastes better.)

Have you ever heard that “vegans taste better”? It turns out that a diet high in fruits and vegetables, and low in acidic meat and animal products, promotes bodily secretions that are milder in taste. Simply put, vegans do generally taste better. We also have more sensitive palates, as a result of eating so many delicately flavored vegetables – so we will smell and taste things stronger than omnivores. If you want the science, I don’t have it. I just have my personal experience and that of many other people who have talked about it on the internet. (Taste is subjective anyway.)

It’s not just your vaginal secretions or semen than are affected. Your sweat and your saliva will smell different if you vary your diet, too. And it’s not just about taste; certainly, many vegans are put off by the thought of drinking the bodily secretions of a meat eater, but it also has to do with compatibility. To many vegans, their lifestyle choice is like a religion. It’s very, very important to them, and they can’t imagine wanting to share their life with someone whose values are so radically different.

Have you scored a date with a vegan? Even if they’re not vegansexual, you might do well to follow these tips:

  • Be open to their dietary choices. Ask, but don’t make fun, don’t prod, and don’t be an ass about it.
  • Do not suggest that they eat something non-vegan. Don’t cook non-vegan food for them. Don’t try to “tempt them” with food that they’ve chosen not to eat. It’s difficult to say no to someone you really like, even if they are rudely asking you to cross your own moral boundaries.
  • Maybe decide not to eat meat in front of them, especially not on the first date. Show that you can go a meal without it, and it’ll reveal your respect for them as a person.
  • Don’t kiss them with meat mouth, or with cheese or egg mouth either. That’s gross. In fact, why are you kissing with food in your mouth at all?
  • If you know you’re about to get down, drink lots of water and sweet fruits. Pineapple juice is a good idea too.