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May 2012 21

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yulia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Yulia in Don’t Panic]

Q: So here’s my problem, while I’m sure it is not unique it’s the first time I’ve come across it. I am interested in a woman that is a single parent. I am one too. However, my access to my son is alternating weekends, whereas she is, from what I can tell, the only parent in the picture. As I’m sure you can guess, this makes going out very difficult for her.

We met at a New Year’s Eve party and all attempts to get together since have turned into one obstacle after another, all dealing with childcare. I am a patient guy and I have no problem waiting for her, she is special, strong, good looking, and devoted to her daughter.

This is pretty special to me as all of my previous partners have been rather weak and unsure of themselves. She is different. I don’t want to push into her life and make her uncomfortable, but at the same time, I do want to see her again. Tonight we almost connected, however timing and childcare became an issue again. I am sure that she wants to see me again, since, as we exchanged numbers this evening to make communication a little easier, she was apologetic about the situation.

I am a patient guy and generally nice too. This, I feel, may work against me. I’m worried that I either won’t be assertive enough and she’ll feel I’m not interested. But, on the flip side I don’t want to push too hard and come off as either an ass or desperate.

Oh, did I mention, it’s also been eleven years since I’ve been on a first date?

Sincerely, trying to remember how to date!

A: You are in a tough and confusing situation, for sure! It’s hard enough beginning any relationship after being single for a long time, but you’re interested in someone whose first concern will always be for her daughter. Even if she is actively hoping to get together with you, her desire is not her priority. Because you mention childcare I will assume her daughter is young.

It’s nerve-racking when you’ve flown solo for so long but finally have feelings for someone else. It can feel like you’re hitting puberty all over again — figuratively speaking — and experiencing that first crush. What do you say? How do you let her know? How do you know what she feels? Even though you’re past this initial stage and have already planned on spending time together, you’re still waiting for the first date. If at all possible, try to see this as anticipation and excitement rather than frustration. I’m not suggesting you stop trying to plan, but that you focus on what could be and share these feelings with the woman you’re into and maybe it will motivate her to find a good babysitter.

Easier said than done, I know. Is her child very young, or old enough to understand a few things? If we’re talking about an infant, this won’t apply, but if the child is in school than your love interest may be worried about how that child will feel if his or her mother is dating. You say there’s no father in the picture, so the mother may fear her child will get attached to quickly or immediately see you as a potential dad. She may also fear the child will see you as competition for attention. She may not want the child to see her go through the range of emotions relationships bring. However, she has expressed interest in seeing you, so if she is deeply concerned about any of this, she may be willing to see you if you agree to underplay the significance of your relationship in front of the child (at least for now). There is nothing wrong with this! Many single parents choose to wait for months before telling their children about a relationship. They aren’t lying or hiding their partners; they’re simply making sure this is important enough to share with the kids. When it is, it will be that much more meaningful.

If that’s not the case, could you suggest getting together with the kids? If both your children are there it will seem more natural, and you could even fudge the storyline a bit by telling the kids you’re friends from work, Say you just happened to have four tickets to the ball game and needed two more people. Just don’t alter the truth too often or someone will catch on. Kids aren’t stupid!

Meanwhile, perhaps there’s a way you can help her find child care. Do you know any great babysitters? Do you have any responsible relatives nearby looking for a bit of extra work? If money is an issue, offer to split the cost of a babysitter. If trust is an issue, you could suggest meeting with candidates and then inviting them to spend time with both mother and child to create that trust.

Above all, pay attention to non-verbal signs you get from her. Is she really interested, but concerned about her kid’s reaction? Is she into you, but nervous for herself? Maybe she hasn’t dated in a long time either, or maybe you are the first person she has felt an attraction to since the child’s father. Try to find some common ground in your struggles to get together and work from there.

Yulia

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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May 2012 14

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Smythe

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Smythe in There Is A Light]

Q: My boyfriend is great! We have an adventurous sex life. We’re open and young and love each other very much. We have a 3-month old son, but that hasn’t changed our sex life much. Recently though, my boyfriend’s been avoiding sex. It doesn’t matter if I play hard to get or if I’m throwing myself at him or anything in between, he’s just not into it. Why could this be?

A: There have been A LOT of changes in you and your boyfriend’s life. You were pregnant, and had a kid. Whoa. Huge deal. Is it possibly stress related? There’s a big shift in responsibility, both personal and financial. He could be freaking out a little.

You mentioned that you have an adventurous sex life with your boyfriend. Great! But, do you both feel that way? What might make things amazing for you in the sack, might not be what lights his fire.

The thing is, it could be almost anything under the sun causing him to have an aversion to sex. But no matter what you think it might be that is causing a lack of umph in bedroom, you’re never going to know until you talk to him. Sit him down and have an open and honest conversation, without judgment.

Smythe

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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May 2012 07

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Tita

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Tita in West Coast]

Q: I have been with my girlfriend (girl-girl couple) for almost nine months now. Sadly, she had to move so currently we are long distance. My problem is, I am feeling unappreciated. Our relationship seems to be me giving and barely getting anything in return. Recently, I sent her a memory card full of saucy teases and the only thing she has to say is, “The videos are too short.” You see my problem?

Just the other day, I told my dad that she is my girlfriend. She asked me to do that. Considering the way he was raised, I was risking a lot. I risked it for her, but she doesn’t go telling people about me. She said she isn’t ashamed of me, and I understand why her parents cannot know, but why do I have to be a semi-secret – even from friends? These are only two examples of many.

I feel I am coming to the end of my patience. She has always been a taker and I am naturally a giver. How do I talk to her about how unsatisfied and unappreciated I feel without seeming mad, or like a total a-hole?

A: First up, I would like to point out that telling someone you are unsatisfied, or feeling under appreciated does not immediately make you an “a-hole.” Communication is an important part of any relationship, and should be one of the strongest bonds that you share.

Asking for what we want and need, and being “demanding” are not the same thing! Just as being “helpful or caring” and “overly accommodating” are not mutually exclusive.

Truthfully, distance seems to be the least of your relationship problems. Or perhaps it has just highlighted issues that were already there.

Have you asked yourself: What were things like before we separated? Was I happier then? Was my partner more engaged, or giving? (According to your email, she has “always been a taker” – so perhaps not.)

And following those questions, why not continue with: What in this relationship is worth sticking around for? You list your girlfriend’s inequities, but surely there must be some good qualities, or you wouldn’t be sticking it out. Or… would you?!?

Often times we repeat a pattern of behavior because we don’t know any different. In this case, it seems the distance should have been as good a reason as any to cut the cord, yet you chose to remain attached. Why is that?

I think you need to take a good look at what is in this for you – without pausing to tell yourself that that is selfish or mean. If you asked yourself that very question right now, gun to your head –what would you come up with?

Sure, coming out to your Dad may be positive for you in the long run, but what made you take such a leap at the request of your girlfriend, and not for yourself? In my opinion, in order to find your place in this relationship, you must first find your own voice. Figure out what you want. Itemize your needs. Visualize where you want your relationship (and life) to go. And then, take stock and see if your current relationship is a good fit.

From where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look like it.

No one’s saying it will be easy, but I hope when the time comes you find the strength to take what may be the harder of two roads.

Good luck!

*Besos*

Tita

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Apr 2012 23

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Lexie

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Lexie in Speres]

Q: I have a question for you geek goddesses and suicidal scarlets. I am pretty good at introducing myself, making friendly, and getting a girl’s number, but I am not good at what happens next. Sometimes I feel like I don’t wait long enough and other times I feel like it’s way too late for me now. But even worse, what do you do? Call? Text? What to say or write? How do you even get to asking her out on a date? How do I use a girl’s number to my advantage?

Much love and respect.

A: You’ve done the hardest part, gotten the girl’s number. Bravo to you on that. A lot of the time sucking it up and making the first move is the hardest part. Everything that comes after should be natural. It sounds like you’re putting too much pressure on yourself to have the “go to” next step as far as dating is concerned. Every person is different, and they handle dating differently. Some people like to move with the speed of a jack rabbit while others are slow and steady like a tortoise.

From this gal’s point of view, after you get a girl’s number, two to three days seems like a good amount of time to wait before reaching out and making contact. This day and age I don’t know of very many people that actually talk on the phone, so texting may be your best bet. Let’s be real, even if you called you may have to leave her a voicemail, now that could get awkward.

So, give it two to three days, shoot her over a text to show a little interest and take it from there. If she seems receptive, ask her out to a movie, dinner, drinks, hell whatever you want. If she doesn’t seem receptive, lay off for a while. She’ll either come around, or it’s a lost cause.

Either way, happy texting!

Lexie

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Apr 2012 16

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Atlea

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Atlea in Temptation Waits]

Q: I’m head over heels in love with him. We have a rich, intoxicating, romantic, sexual energy between us that I’ve never experienced with anyone else before. I’m smitten. He makes me smile, laugh, swoon, and my stomach fill to the brim with butterflies every time our eyes meet. The only problem is, he’s my roommate. And he has a girlfriend.

Let’s call him “Blue.”

Blue and my relationship extends back about 8 months now. I was living in my own place, with different roommates. We met in the summer, via mutual friends, at a cookout and later a party. A party where I proceeded to get rather intoxicated, and we became inseparable for the rest of the night. He was in the middle of teaching me a card game when I felt a puke coming along. I nonchalantly excused myself and scurried away to the porcelain god and began my worship in private.

Moments later he was there, taking care of me. Rubbing my scalp, hair, my back with a firm, confident delicacy, warm with affection. I remember, in a state of drunkenness that was beginning to fade to sleep, looking up at him, with his sheepish, clever smirk. Now I remember thinking to myself, and honestly I really don’t know even to this day if I actually spoke this aloud, but I remember looking up in those beautiful brown eyes and knowing “I’m probably falling in love with you.”

Ding, ding, ding! Right-o!

Over the next few days numbers were exchanged, the texting and phoning frenzy ensued, and the “platonic” sleepovers began. Platonic = nibbling, cuddling, poking, and prodding, tickling and giggling, massages, caresses.

Well, the platonic sleepovers digressed (or progressed, depending on how you look at it) into something a little less than innocent. Roving hands, love bites on the back of our necks. But he was still the with girlfriend.

We’ll call her “Pink.”

I interrogated him. I pushed him. I demanded a solution, because I had no intention of being anyone’s mistress. He said he “didn’t know how to breakup with her.” Personally, this girl and I have very different in values, interests, and lifestyles. I really don’t care for her.

He said he felt bad breaking up with her, because he was the only friend she had. It had been a few years, but it finally started to crumble and she wouldn’t have sex with him. She was very uninterested in sex, and Blue is quite the opposite. He said to me: “What’s a relationship without sex or passion? A friendship.”

The days oozed by, still, nothing done about Pink. Sexual tension began mounting. We addressed it by deciding to try to avoid being alone with one another. We tried to establish a “no-touchy” agreement, and kept things on a “just friends” basis while he was in a relationship. However, we’re both creatures of passion, and self-control is a fleeting thing.

We’d drunkenly make out in the conveniently empty kitchen at parties, play footsie and hold hands under the table, whisper dirty words in secret, and then the following day we’d “have to talk about it” again, say we’d be good, this can’t happen again, etc. The cycle repeated and repeated.

There were indiscreet butt-grabs, exploring fingers in backseat car rides, dirty texts. We even ended up back at my place one night after a night out at the bars and the inevitable happened.

Time passed, my lease approached its end, I began looking for a new residency and still nothing was done about Pink. My feelings only intensified. Our scandalous secret remained.

Everything happened so fast. His house had an open room, I’d be saving tons of money on rent, I’d be just blocks from work, plus his other roommates were my best of friends. I went for it. We talked it over, we both agreed we could be roommates. I tried to have no expectations, aside from two hopes:

1. We’d move past all this BS, cultivate a great friendship, and forget any of this ever happened. I’d start dating someone else and things would be dandy.

2. Blue and Pink would separate. Blue would express his undying love for me and we’d get married and have babies and live happily ever after. (I tried to avoid admitting this one to myself).

So that was then. Now, here I am, sleeping just 25 feet away from him (and usually his girlfriend) every night, my heart aching. I love him more than ever. We’re badder than ever. We’ve had sex, we’ve fooled around, and kissed, and touched, but furthermore we’ve grown even closer emotionally, yadda, yadda yadda…

I’ve lived here for some months now, and I live with my love moment-to-moment. Pink is still around. Blue seems unhappy in his relationship. I can’t say anything. I’m his “roommate.” I want to tell him more than anything that I love him, but I entertain the idea that it would be wise not to. I’m back and forth between treating him with indifference, to trying to express my love in silent ways. Some days I feel used. I feel like I’m lying to Pink every time I see her, chat and pal around with her. Some days I feel as if I should be patient. A part of me feels – and pardon the cheese – that we’re meant for one another.

SG lovelies, am I a fool to think that we may end up together in some perfect fairytale one day? Do I express my feelings and risk freaking him out and creating an awkward living environment? Or am I making this too easy for him, letting him have me on the side while he avoids dealing with breakup?

My, what a mess I’ve made.

Xoxox

A: Wow, what a situation! While most people might decide to back away to avoid getting hurt, it seems you’ve actually made it so that you pretty much have to think about it all the time. I can’t even imagine how fast your little hamster must be running up in there.

It’s a little unclear to me if you guys are still fooling around on the downlow, or if the shenanigans have come to a stop since you’ve moved in. I’m going to assume they haven’t. Personally I think that, for you to get a clear perspective, they probably should for the time being. There’s no way to evaluate your feelings while he’s nibbling on your ear every time you walk by him, your brain can’t compete with that. At least mine wouldn’t.

Let’s first check out your two hopes post-moving in. On the one hand, you seem to want to cultivate a friendship. On the other, you want a happily ever after with Prince Charming in your arms. Let’s pretend that his relationship would fizzle, or that he would put an end to it. What happens next? You guys immediately go out? Would you start a courtship from the beginning, or just go into it as is? Would you feel that much better going into it right after the breakup, considering you already have guilty feelings towards Pink? As much as it may be true that their relationship isn’t good, they’re the only ones who can truly do anything about it. Believe me, I have friends in shitty situations that in my opinion should really not be dating, but it’s not my place to decide that for them, it’s something they need to resolve on their own to grow, and to keep themselves from making the same mistakes.

Putting Pink aside, and focusing on Blue, I think that you are definitely giving him too much of yourself. I’m in no way saying that he’s taking advantage of you and is aware of it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening. He’s got the comfort of a relationship, albeit not a great one, and when things go bad he’s got available you 25 feet away. When you’ve talked about your situation with him, did you ever discuss how he’d feel if you started bringing someone home? If you met someone and started dating that person, would the housemate relationship be strained because of past feelings on your part, and possible jealousy on his? Not that he’d have a right to say shit, but those feelings are still to be considered since you are both living under the same roof. And if we forget that you may meet someone else, being honest with yourself, could you live there knowing nothing’s going to happen between the two of you? It sounds like moving there was a great decision financially, but you should really think about what it’s doing to you emotionally. I know you’re friends first, and you don’t want things to get weird, but sometimes in life we have to think about ourselves first, because if we don’t we end up pushing people away anyway.



Finally, be true to yourself. It’s the only way to go. Going back and fourth between treating him with indifference and secretly showing him love isn’t fucking with him as much as it’s fucking with you. At the end of the day, he’s sleeping soundly with a warm body next to him, and you aren’t. Showing him contempt when he knows you have feelings for him isn’t having the effect you probably want it to. Instead, it’s probably working you up into over analyzing everything he does. Did that little smile he shot you while holding her hand mean anything? Did those footsteps sound like they stalled half a second when he walked past your door?

Honestly, if he’s incapable of dealing with the situation he has on his hands now, I highly doubt that he’d be ready for another relationship. At least not now. I think that if you are going to continue living there and being pals with him, you need to do just that. Set limits for both of you, and maybe ask him to not share what’s happening in his relationship with you. And if you guys are so close that you can’t handle that, maybe a bit of distance would do some good. If you’ve talked and talked about how bad his relationship is already, then maybe some sort of ultimatum is in order. Not for you to start dating or not, but for him, as a friend of yours, to get his life together. He won’t be any happier with Pink than he is now if they don’t deal with it, whether that means moving forward as a couple or calling it quits. But until they deal with it, try to get yourself to a place where you won’t be going crazy. Sometimes, unfortunately, that means admitting that nothing will happen. Being in a slump is a terrible, terrible thing emotionally, and you should do everything in your power to keep yourself from getting there.

Atlea

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Apr 2012 09

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Leandra

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Leandra in Verdugo]

Q: I met the girl of my dreams a little over a year ago at work. I have a rule of not dating anyone I work with after past bad relationships. She defines SG to a T. Everything about her was perfect and we connected a ton, both at work and after she quit.

When she quit we started to talk. She always wanted to hang out with me but we never could get the timing right. We both felt we had a lot in common and should hang out but we never really did, though she did come to see me at home. We both said that we belonged together, and that we’re perfect around each other.

However, she got married to someone after only a few weeks of dating them and I feel lost without her in my life. I truly believe she was the one. I then messed up by telling her I felt mad about her getting engaged to someone after only a few days of dating, and that she could do better. I made her feel like shit and less of a person.

Now she won’t return my emails or calls. I just want my best friend back. She’s the only girl I felt truly about. She was someone that I didn’t just want to sleep with when I had her alone in my place and on my bed. She’s hands down the coolest chick I have ever met, and would want nothing more than to have my best friend back. She is the one.

A: I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. Does it help any that I just went through something similar? It’s been months and he is the only man I cannot forget, the only man I was absolutely sure I was meant to be with. He was a man I was packed up and ready to move for. Then, five days before I was meant to drive to another state to move in with him, it was over. I guess I’m just saying, I know the pain, I know the agony. I know that sometimes you can feel everything is okay, and then suddenly it’s like a punch to the gut. And when something like this happen to you, you’re overwhelmed with emotion and sadness.

I have found the key to a situation like this though…

You can’t keep fighting for someone who does not return your feelings. I am not saying she doesn’t care for you, and, though I don’t know her, you do make it sound like she rushed into the marriage. Having said that, she is now married – she is a married woman. I am sure her husband would not be too happy about you guys talking. You need to respect that and give them their distance. What will be will be!

Please stop calling and emailing. Don’t text. She isn’t returning them for a reason – and this is the key – to force you to realize the truth of the situation, to help you let go and give in to it. You can’t change it. You’ve tried. You fought for her and did your best. You feel bad for what you said to her, and have obviously shown that to her. You need to do your best to let go my friend. I know it hurts. I know it’s painful. I know what it’s like to believe in the deep dark bottom of your soul that they are THE ONE. She’s not. He wasn’t. We move forward. Onwards and upwards. There ARE others out there. You’ll eventually find someone you mesh with even more and can settle down with, if that’s what you want.

I always wonder about the future, will I hear from him in months or years to come? Will you hear from her? Only time will tell, but for now you’re only torturing yourself by reaching out and getting nothing back. I think this reply to you would be a little different if she wasn’t taken, if she wasn’t married. But she is. You must respect that and respect their relationship, whether you agree with it or not. If you care for her as you say you do, then you will do this for her. It’s obviously what she wants since she is not reaching back out to you or replying.

Please try to move forward. Realize, although you care for her a whole damn lot, that she isn’t the only girl out there for you. The right one is out there and soon enough you will find her.

Stay strong. Time is a healer, a cliché but true.

Leandra
xxxxx

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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Mar 2012 26

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rydell

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.


[Rydell in Changing Seasons]

Q: I have been with my boyfriend for about three years, and to my face he seems sweet. However on the internet he ignores me and has no problem talking to sluts. I tried stooping to their level, but then he gave me shit for the smallest bit of cleavage! My next plan is to add and talk to hot shirtless men, but I don’t know if that’s the right plan. What can I do just for him to ‘like’ a photo or ‘comment’ on a status update?

A: Ok where to start with this…Firstly, if he is sweet to your face that’s great, but when he is not around you, including the internet he isn’t? Doesn’t that seem like a bright blinking red flag to you? If he isn’t acting how you expect a boyfriend to act then TALK TO HIM! I have said this I think in every question I have answered for SG’s Got Problems? column. We as people need to learn to talk to each other and not just be silent and think people are mind readers.

You have a voice, use it and express yourself. Be heard! Stop changing how you think you should be and just be you. You don’t need to change who you are, how you are, unless it is to better yourself. Don’t stoop to your boyfriend’s level with the plan you outlined. It’ll just come off as juvenile and desperate. Be yourself, be proud of who you are, and if he doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t fit in with that lifestyle, there is always a man who will.

Secondly, stop placing your self worth and self esteem on how many Facebook comments and likes you have from others on a social media network. In the grand scope of things does that really matter? I mean it’s FACEBOOK!

All I can say is voice your concerns. If they fall on deaf ears, then you need to man up and either settle for mediocrity in your love life, or go out and find someone better suited for what you need in life.

Rydell

***

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

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