Jul 2012 09

by Bradley Suicide

[Above: Bradley Suicide in Sugar Kitty]

When I go out, things tend to be completely insane, and not always in a good way. When I look back on my nights out, I am not always proud of my antics, but they do always provide for an interesting story – my life is never boring. In true Bradley fashion, last weekend did not disappoint…

Milloux calls me to tell me about an epic bar party that is going down. I am freaking stoked. So excited I could jump through my skin. This bar happens to be in Redondo Beach and it is their three-year anniversary. Not only are they having a party of epic proportions on Saturday night, they are having a white trash pool themed event the next day. I Google the bar, The Gasser Lounge. It looks like my kind of place. A complete party spot. I am now so excited that I am counting down the minutes until I get out of work. It’s been a long ass week and I need a release for sure.

I get off of work at 7.30 PM, and rush home to change, asking my roommates for their opinions on outfits. My final choice ends up being a Guns ‘N’ Roses top and tiny, tiny white shorts. I curl my hair, throw on some makeup, put on some ridiculously high heelsm and I am out the door, Redondo Beach bound. I’m seriously juiced by this point. Adrenaline pumping through me as I give my liver a pep talk about what it’s in for while I drive up the 405.

I get to the bar at about 10.15 PM and link up with my friends. As I walk in I eye-fuck the shit out of the hot bouncer outside. This is a great start to my night and I’m feeling pretty on point.

The place is jam packed. A live band is playing some old school Cash. We go to the bar to order our first drinks. I ask for my usual, a Greyhound and a shot of Fernet Branca. As the bartender (who looks just like Rob Zombie) gets my shot I realize that the Fernet is on tap. I promptly lose my shit at this revelation. This bar was made for me.

I take my shot and down my drink, we are laughing, drinking, partying, and having a grand ol’ time. I am starting to get my drunk on and all of a sudden remember bouncer sexy pants outside. I ask Milloux to come outside with me, light up a cigarette, and promptly work my hot girl magic.

Two minutes from the time we step outside that gorgeous piece of dude is all over me like white on rice. Within 5 minutes he is getting me shots. Within a half an hour he is pushing me up against the wall for a good make out sesh in the dark breezeway between the front door and the bar. I always get my mark.

Before you know it, it’s last call, and the crew and I are ready to go to Denny’s. Bouncer sexy pants gets my number and triple checks that I am going to be at the white trash pool party the next day. I assure him that I will be there and we bounce.

We leave and head to Denny’s. I have never seen a Denny’s so packed during the daytime, let alone at 3 AM. My mind is promptly blown. It’s at this point that bouncer sexy pants starts blowing up my phone. I am not interested in hanging out with him right away because I am going to have to see him the next day at the white trash pool party. I want to keep the cat and mouse going a little longer, knowing what the ending to this is going to be anyways, or so I think, and I want the build up the suspense to keep going. I tell him I will see him the next day and to sleep tight. We all head back to our friends place and pass out.

I wake up cuddling with an insanely hot SuicideGirl. Life doesn’t suck. Any morning when that happens is awesome. We get our day going slowly, heading to her place to get changed and to get some food in our bellies. We grab some amazing empanadas and mack on them while we get our white trash outfits together. I am also drinking rum and coke out of a wine glass at this point – gotta keep it classy.

I change into a skull and confederate flag bikini, the remnants of some blue jeans that now function as shorts, and a white wife beater. The hair is backcombed to the max and in pigtails with a rolled up bandana. Jaime Pressly ain’t got shit on me.

We trek it over to Redondo Beach. As we walk up to the bar my eyes get as big as saucers. They have enclosed the parking lot with an open roof tent so that though it’s still sunny inside, no one on the street can see the debauchery going down. Its like a giant makeshift patio. We walk into this ghetto rigged tent of awesomeness and there is a huge blow up pool, a “lifeguard” tower, a menagerie of blow up animal rafts, and babes everywhere. I’m in heaven.

We beeline it straight for the bar. The whole time keeping my eyes peeled for bouncer sexy pants. Milloux tells me that he is standing pretty close behind me so I promptly lose my wife beater so I am in my bikini top and cutoffs. My timing is perfect. His jaw hits the floor. He comes over and starts giving us drinks.

Now that I’m a little buzzed we venture outside to the makeshift pool area again. Bouncer sexy pants is in true bro form, threatening to throw me in the pool. I end up manning up, doing the shimmy out of my little shorts, and hop in. We all continue drinking and partying.

Bouncer sexy pants then announces that he has go home, shower, nap and change since he has to be back at the bar by 7 because he is bartending that night. He then asks if I would like to join him. I’m hammered but I say yes anyways. You can guess the rest of this part of the story.

We head back to the bar. I continue drinking with my crew. We are all obliterated. We decide to head out at this point, I say goodbye to bouncer sexy pants. I trip walking down the street in my flips flops (this is hearsay, I don’t remember it, but I have the bloody and scraped knees to prove that it happened). We get back to the house and I pass out from exhaustion. Drinking in the sun all day is damn tiring.

My phone starts going off like crazy. Milloux wakes me up after the third missed call from bouncer sexy pants. I also see a couple texts from him. He is straight up begging me to come back to the bar. He is offering to pay for a cab to come and get me from wherever I am to get me back to the bar. He’s asking me to stay with him overnight in Redondo and then promising to take me back to my car in the morning, etc., etc. Is this guy for real? I put up a good fight because, honestly, I was not feelin’ like doing much of anything at this point. I was tired and semi drunk still. After a good half an hour of his badgering I relent and get dropped back at the bar while everyone else heads home.

Please note. From this point on, Bouncer Sexy Pants will be being referred to as Bouncer McNutsack. This next part of the story is a blow to my ego, but it needs to be told…

Bouncer Mc Nutsack got me a drink and we sat and chatted. He was bartending with one other dude. I sat at the bar and chilled, it was pretty dead inside, just a handful of people. Around 1.30 PM I started to notice that Bouncer McNutsack had been spending a grip of time at the end of the bar with an extremely plain looking chick and her friend. I began to feel some irritation building up but I pushed it aside. After all, he made such a huge deal about me coming back to the bar to see me again anyways.

About 15 minutes later I see him go into this bathroom with this chick. “Are you fucking kidding me?” is all that I can think. I sat there in shock for a good minute – jaw on the floor. I calmly got up and walked out. Still wearing his hat that I had borrowed earlier in the day at the pool party (and he is not getting it back, ha!). I was fuming at this point. Who does that? Homey was in the clear, I was gone, I was not coming back to the bar until he called me incessantly and begged me to come back. If you are going to hook up with some plain Jane why drag me back to the bar at all? My ego was more than bruised.

Still confused I trek it back to my car, which is a couple of blocks away. I am smart enough that I know that driving is not an option, so I turn on my seat warmer, curl up, and sleep it off in my bug.

I wake up the next morning, cold, tired, and still a little buzzed. I go to turn on my car – uh oh! I guess I forgot in my drunken pissed off stupor that turning on my seat warmer would drain my car battery. Woops! I am a little freaked out at this point since I am a good half an hour away from Huntington, where I live, and I don’t know anyone in Redondo Beach. I muster up my strength and walk to one of the nearby houses. These poor people open their door to a girl in cutoffs, yesterdays smeared makeup, and a confederate flag bikini asking for a jump start. They were the sweetest, kindest people and gladly help me out, just asking me to pay it forward – proof that there still are some really amazing people in this world. Sadly my car battery is so dead that even a jump won’t help.

I call my friend Justin from my work. I have no clue what else to do. I am still pretty limited down in SoCal at this point and don’t know a ton of people. If I wasn’t still slightly buzzed I probably would have been in tears. Justin drives a good half hour to come and rescue me. When he pulls up he sees me sitting on the curb and immediately asks what in the hell happened to me knees. I look down and see that they are all torn up and bloody. I have no recollection of falling down but tell him that that’s what I assume happened. He just smiles and shakes his head, looking at me like with a “how do you get yourself into these messes?” look, which I know all too well.

We charge up my car battery for a good half an hour. Sitting, talking, BSing about work and life. He’s a good guy. Good head on his shoulders and a heart of gold. The kind of guy who would give me the shirt off his back if I needed it, the kind of guy who would drive a half an hour out of his away after doing inventory the whole night before to sit with a blonde hot mess with scraped knees while her car battery charges. I try to turn the key and miraculously it starts. I let out an audible gasp of excitement and Justin starts laughing as he sees my face light up and gives me the best hug on the planet.

By the time all is said and done we are both beat, me from the above outlined escapades, and him from being up until 4 AM doing inventory. We decide to head back to my place in Huntington and to lay out by the pool. He picks up a of couple beers on the way back. We bathe in the SoCal sun, smoke a little, and drink a couple of Chimays.

All of a sudden, as we sit, laughing, smiling and telling stories I realize something: maybe what I am wanting is right in front of me. I don’t really know and am scared to take the chance, but could this work for me? Time will tell I guess. But I do know one thing, I have butterflies.


Ps. I have not spoken with Bouncer McNutsack since these events occurred. For curiosities sake though, I would like to know what in the hell went down. So Bouncer McNutsack, you know who you are, if you happen to be reading this – what in the hell was that all about? Not only did you fuck me (or not as the case may be), but you also screwed the bartender you were working with who was forced to do all of your closing work while you man-whored it up in the dirty ass bathroom. Seriously? WTF?

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Jul 2012 06

by Nahp Suicide

A column which highlights Suicide Girls and their fave groups.

[Kewpie in Twinkle]

This week Kewpie Suicide tells us why she hearts SG’s Gay Girls Only group.

Members: 335 / Comments: 63,926

WHY DO YOU LOVE IT?: I love it because it’s a small, intimate group of hilarious girls who aren’t afraid to speak their minds.

DISCUSSION TIP: Hmmm…Don’t talk about Shane from The L Word lol.

BEST RANDOM QUOTE: There are a ton of awesome quotes but I’ll go with “You know you’re a lesbian if you have every season of Xena on DVD.”

MOST HEATED DISCUSSION THREAD: Most threads are pretty mellow but the ‘Ok [Stupid] Cupid‘ thread has a lot of bad date venting that is always entertaining!

WHO’S WELCOME TO JOIN?: The name says it all, gay girls only!


Jul 2012 05

by Laurelin

I enter this week with a heavy heart. Usually I have something to look forward to, some great event that with the passing of each shift at work I can say that I’m one day closer to. I enter this week with a heavy heart because I have no one, no increased heartbeat when my cell phone lights up on the end of the bar because it might be him. There is no him. I enter this week with a heavy heart because when I look ahead I see only the same thing day after day; I see only what I feel the majority of the world sees: plain and boring monotony. My heart is heavy, and it’s crushing me.

This week is my chance to shine at work. With my boss on vacation for one week I am the next in line, so this building and everyone in it is mine to run. My walls, my liquor, my beer taps and kegs, my neon lights and my whole staff. Seven straight days of bartending to make sure nothing goes wrong, to make sure this place looks better than when it was left this past Monday. But with no days off to look forward to I can’t help but feel like I’m in a war zone. No Boston waterfront for the fourth of July, no sunshine in my face at the beach, my tan lines fade and my eyes lose their spark as I adjust to sixty-three hours indoors. Even breathing becomes boring.

I fight the sinking realization that this means for one week I am left alone with my own head, my own abilities or inabilities. I have no time to drink with friends until it’s all numb, until I can only laugh about everything that right now seems so overwhelming. I have only time to wonder if I am really upset about working so much, or if I am upset about being able to drink too little. I know it’s only one week; after this weekend my schedule is back to normal, but for some reason the days seep by slowly like spilled molasses.

To make a change one must desire change and create change. I desire change. I also desire sunshine. I desire men, and I desire sangria. Instead, this week, I get sixty-three hours. This week I get discipline, ruling others, and myself. This week I bitch slap my liver and other neglected body parts so they don’t fall into misuse. This week, it will take everything in me not to fade to dust…


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Jul 2012 02

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rin

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Rin in Voyeur]

Q: I recently ended the second relationship in a row with what can most appropriately be called a psycho. I know that I am not the root cause as others around me can confirm that she was indeed off her rocker. I am thoroughly fed up with being with women who have a loose grip on reality at best and I would like to figure out what it is about me that is either attracted to this type of woman initially or what attracts them to me. I like women with a strong will and personality but that has been translating into absolutely crazy women not strong willed women. If there is someway you can help me separate these to qualities I would forever be in your debt.

A: I can totally understand why this problem would be vexing you! Dating patterns can be kind of difficult to get to the bottom of.

A good way to find out if a person is insane is to take time getting to know them. Don’t jump straight to dating. Spending time getting to know a woman will let you see different facets of her personality. See how she deals with problems. When issues arise, does she take responsibility for her own actions, and admit when she has acted wrongly? Does she have many long-term friends? Does she blame other people for all the bad things in her life?

Once you figure out how she reacts in all these different situations, you will have a good idea if she is batshit insane or a tough woman who knows how to take care of herself. When you meet someone you’re attracted to, it’s tempting to pursue it immediately, but if you want to break your psycho-cycle it’s best to take things a bit more slowly.

I can’t speak to what in you might be attracted to crazy women – do you like drama? Do you like having someone to take care of? Does your mother have a strong grip on sanity? Are you afraid of having a serious relationship, so you unconsciously seek out situations that will self-destruct? Sometimes like attracts like – maybe you have some of your own issues to deal with before you will be a really stable boyfriend. It’s worth examining your own motives in this context to see how you might be drawn to these women.



Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to:

Jul 2012 02

by Daniel Robert Epstein

’”It’s not a movie about pornography but how our individual sensibilities get formed.”
– Brian Grazer

I was very excited to talk to Brian Grazer. Not only has he worked on some of my favorite films such as Night Shift, Armed and Dangerous and Bowfinger, it’’s just so rare to get to talk to a person that only produces. I get to talk to actors, writers and directors everyday but a powerful producer on par with Joel Silver and Jerry Bruckheimer, almost never.

It’’s to be expected that Grazer would come out to promote the documentary Inside Deep Throat because it’s been a passion project of his for many years. In fact at one point he had the rights to do a biopic on Linda Lovelace, but that didn’t work out.

Read our exclusive interview with Brian Grazer on

Jun 2012 25

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Jeckyl

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Jeckyl in Abnormal Behavior]

Q: Ok, so I have this problem. I am friends with this girl who I now have a lot of feelings for. I would like to take our relationship to the next level and try dating. I have asked her about it and she says that she doesn’t want to mess up our friendship right now. When we are hanging out with my friends and her friends, they all tell me that she really likes me. I don’t know what to do about it.

A: Well, maybe you don’t need to do anything about it. Remember she said she doesn’t want to mess up your friendship “right now” – this doesn’t mean that a relationship is completely out of the question. Just not a likelihood at this point. She knows that you have feelings for her, and you know that she has feelings for you. You’ve obviously discussed this and she’s given you her opinion. With everything out in the open, all there’s really left to do is wait.

The basis of any great relationship is the ability to put the other person’s feelings above your own, so I think it’d be wise to respect her decision. If both parties or one party aren’t ready for the next step, pushing it only leads to resentment in the long run.

Instead, right now focus on nurturing what you already have. If more comes of it, great but, if not, that’s fine too. Take the time to really consider what it is that you want. A good friendship doesn’t necessarily translate into a good relationship. Dating is a completely different ballgame.

Also consider the effect it’ll have on your friendship if this relationship goes south. Make sure it’s worth the risk.
You’d be very wise to consider all the implications of your choices before you make them because there’s really no going back.

Dating your friend is sometimes a lot harder than dating a stranger. You don’t get a clean slate and you only get one shot. Make sure that, when the time comes, you’re ready and you do it right. Love is hard to find and you don’t want to ruin something that had the potential to be amazing.

Best of luck, whatever your final decision may be. I wish you both all the happiness in the world.



Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to:

Jun 2012 23

by Blogbot

This Sunday (June 24th at 10 PM PST) on SuicideGirls Radio, in celebration of Pride month we welcome three guests who have enlightened views on what it means to love. Filmmaker Cassie Jaye (Daddy I Do and Right To Love) and inspirational speaker and lifestyle coach Jesse Brune will be joining SG radio host Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Ed) and co-hosts Darrah de jour (SG’s Red, White & Femme post-feminist sex & sensuality columnist) and Moxie Suicide (SG model and self proclaimed sexpert) live in studio. Acclaimed author Inga Muscio (Rose: Llove in Violent Times and Cunt: A Declaration of Independence) will also be joining us by phone.

Listen to the world’s leading naked radio show live on Sunday nights from 10 PM til Midnight on
(Hit the top right “listen Live” button!)

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