By Malloreigh

Dating is immeasurably frustrating. It’s not like the dating pool is huge to begin with – sure, there are lots of people out there, but we all have our tastes, our proclivities, our peculiarities. Sometimes we fall in lust with someone totally unavailable; sometimes the opposite happens; sometimes we like someone enough to date them and only find out after we’ve given away our hearts that they are fake poser liar cheating assholes. Ahem. Sorry, it’s not like I’m speaking from personal experience…

So imagine dating; imagine how difficult, how awkward, how soul-killing it is. Now, throw being a vegan into the mix. I’ve been on a few dates with people who chose to be totally offensive and disrespectful of my eating preferences. That, my friends, is a dealbreaker – so the next time you’re on a date with a vegan, don’t make any of those tacky jokes, and don’t try to feed your restricted-diet potential lover a bite of your steak at dinner – it’s just rude.

But wait, it gets better. Some vegans choose not to sleep with meat-eaters altogether. Some vegans go so far as to only sleep with other vegans. It’s a phenomenon called “vegansexuality” – and I think it’d be more common among vegans if it weren’t so damn hard to find other eligible, attractive vegans. But despite the extra effort involved – a vegan-only dating diet can be worth it in more ways than one. See, when your diet is poor – and this includes not only meat, but soda, alcohol, cigarettes – it affects your health, which in turn – pay attention! – affects the way you smell and taste. (Sometimes, it also affects your asshole factor. See above.)

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By Malloreigh

If you’ve chosen not to eat animal products, what’s the point in making “fake” versions of them? I get this question all the time. A lot of people don’t seem to understand why vegans and vegetarians find it necessary to make faux meats and cheeses, or construct veg versions of meaty, dairy-filled foods.

Every culture has its own food and its own customs surrounding meals – even if you’ve never left your white bread suburb, you’ve probably encountered ethnic food of some kind. Food, and the experience of eating it, is a spiritual practice; it’s an instrument of cultural cohesion that binds people together despite long distances and changing religions. From holiday feasts with your family to business meetings over lunch, food has always, and will always, function as a centerpiece for cultural events and ritual. It’s also rich to our senses – both taste and smell – and therefore is strongly linked to memory.

There’s a reason we haven’t adopted the common sci-fi prophecy of eschewing the time-consuming process of cooking and eating in favor of nutrition pills. Food is enjoyable, important, and culturally meaningful, and it is for this reason that vegetarians make “faux” versions of omnivorous meals.

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