Jul 2013 27

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I am a hopeless romantic that cares more than most, but one-sided relationships have taken a toll on me. I have been emotionally abused in my past four long-term relationships and I’m tired. I need to bring that spark back into my life. Having so much to give and nothing in return has been my curse.

I enjoy spoiling and tending to the needs of the one I love. However, it seems as though I find women who are negative, abusive or unfaithful. Why do women take my kindness for weakness? What does a man have to do to be happy and find the missing piece to his puzzle?

A. I once fell into the categories of ‘under-appreciated’ and ‘doormat’ until I read Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. While I don’t have a men’s version to recommend to you, I can tell you the basic premise: Take care of yourself first.

More specifically:

1. Don’t always be available. Don’t always pick up your phone when she calls or text her back right away. Don’t agree to meet up with her last minute. You’ll become her back up plan if you’re at her beck and call for when she has nothing else to do.

2. Don’t neglect yourself or your friends to meet up with her. If you’re in the middle of fixing a shelf or watching football or whatever guys do when they’re single, or if you made plans to go out with the boys or help your friend move, and she calls you to go out, tell her you’d love to but you’re very busy and give her a couple of other days and times that would work and let her pick one.

3. Have a life! Have interests of your own. Go out with friends. Pick up some hobbies. Don’t you find it attractive when someone has passions and interests and activities? Yes, you do. So be one of those people.

4. Don’t act like every woman is The One. Not every relationship is going to work out. Don’t hang onto her because she’s filling a void. Fill that void by having a life, and if she’s not fitting into it, don’t be afraid to leave.

5. I know I just said it, but DON’T BE AFRAID TO LEAVE. Remember how I said you need to take care of yourself first? If it’s not working for whatever reason, breaking it off is doing just that.

6. Be good company when in her presence, and have minimal contact outside of that. Give her the space to show you who she really is. Will she treat you and your time with respect? Will she be okay with you having friends and interests outside of her? Does she have friends and interests of her own? Not smothering her will allow her to show you her best self.

7. Did I say don’t be afraid to leave? I did? Well, let me say it one more time. If she shows that she is lacking in any of the areas above, cut her loose. If she wants to monopolize your time when things first get going, imagine how crazy she’ll become once things get serious. Does she have a problem with your female friends? That doesn’t just go away with time. Does she expect you to drop everything and drive to see her at a moment’s notice all the time? You are her backup plan. Don’t try to convince her that you’re the one for her. Don’t tell her she should spend more time with you. Don’t do more things for her to make her like you more and show her how much you reward her for mistreating you. Cut off contact and carry on with your life. Don’t settle. You teach people how to treat you.

I highly recommend finding a book for men along the same lines. You don’t have to play games or be conniving. You have to take care of yourself and give her the opportunity to show you who is she and how she’ll treat you. Do that, and you’ll start attracting the right women while the wrong ones weed themselves out for you.

Yours in Agony,
A Mystery Suicide Girl


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Apr 2013 03

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Clio

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Clio in Born Into A Light]

Q: My name is Giusuno Cornetto [real name redacted – continue on to understand why!] and if the name doesn’t say it then I’ll tell you; I’m a 100% bona-fide Italian from a large Italian family. I’m a 100% bona-fide Italian from a large Italian family. I don’t discriminate and I love all women, but if I could marry an Italian and have little Italian babies it would be awesome.

Recently I began dating an au pair from Tuscany. She couldn’t be more perfect. She has beautiful tan skin, great looks from her face to her toes, and, most of all, she adores me. She is different from my usual type, which is someone like myself, tattoos, piercings, and dreadlocks, but it’s great that she is not like that because most of the girls I’ve dated are either too immature, too wild, or are not on the same page. However, there is one problem in the bedroom and it’s a big one. Her vagina is rank.

I’m sorry there’s no other way to say it, but it’s out of control even for a free spirit like myself. I loved my hippies, as in just a natural scent – sweaty, salty, with no desire to shave the kitty ¬ it turns me on. I don’t know what to do or how to break the news to her. I love putting my mouth on everything especially her pussy, and without being able to lick her off the relationship has little hope. When she gets wet I can smell her even more and the worse part about it is she doesn’t notice anything wrong which can only mean that she is used to it. What do I do?

A: Thanks for sharing this delicate dilemma. I hope your girlfriend/potential bambini-maker isn’t a member of SuicideGirls and doesn’t decide to Google your name because she’s not going to be a happy signorina when she reads this about her farfallina. But anyway, from what you wrote it sounds like either she just has a very strong natural scent, or she could have a vaginal infection that’s causing a funky odor.

If she has a vaginal infection she should see a medical specialist pronto! If that’s not the case I suggest trying to get her fragrant figa under control by adopting a more serious approach to feminine hygiene. There’s a lot of info about that online so I’m not going to bore you with details about how to keep your patatina clean.

However, you probably could use some advice on how to break the news to her that you’d rather eat a moldy cannoli than munch on her box. I would tell her delicately (do not use the word ‘rank’ unless you wanna get slapped) that her natural scent is a bit strong and that maybe she could wash before you engage in sexual activity. If you think that’s too direct, you can suggest taking a shower together before having sex and see if that makes going down on her more palatable.

In bocca al lupo!



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Feb 2013 10

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rin

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Rin in Voyeur]

Q: Recently I’ve been dating this girl who I thought was the girl of my dreams. She drinks, plays games, is great with kids and her family, and loves me, or I thought she did.

A couple of weeks ago we spent one of the best days together that we ever had, but since that day all those weeks ago she started ignoring me, dodging messages, and when she went on a trip out of the country she wouldn’t answer any of my text or calls.

When she returned she didn’t even tell me she was back. I asked her about what happened to us over the internet and she responded back in a tone that had no sympathy for me at all and sounded like I was dating Spock from Star Trek. I guess what I’m wondering is what should I do when I approach her about it online. We got into a fight and she told me that I wasn’t really long-term type but only short term. To tell the truth I’ve done everything to be there for her and now i have no clue what to do.

A: Well, to be perfectly frank, if she was really the girl of your dreams, she wouldn’t have ditched out on you like that. My best guess is that things got too intense for her and she ran. Intensity can be so overwhelming!! Because she started avoiding you after one of your ‘best days together’ it seems likely to me that she got scared.

Saying you’re “short term and not long term” seems like kind of a cop out on her part, but this girl doesn’t sound like she has any interest in discussing her emotions or giving you any reasons. There’s probably nothing you can do about that. It sucks, it’s unfair to the emotional commitment that you put in, and it’s not the way a caring person deserves to be treated. But sometimes that is just the way shit falls apart and there’s nothing to be done.

My advice is to approach an online discussion not expecting anything.
She’s shown you that she doesn’t want to talk about what happened, and you can’t force her to justify dropping you/giving you the cold shoulder. It’s so shitty, but showing her that you care and you want to be there for her is unlikely to change her mind. This girl has already decided she doesn’t want what you have to offer. She probably has issues with intimacy, long-term dating, or something similar, and she will only deal with that stuff on her own time.

The best thing you can do is pick up your heart, work on healing from this ordeal, and do things that make you happy. Work on being the best you that you can be, so that you when run into a dream girl who is the real deal, you will be ready to be an awesome partner to her.



Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to:

Nov 2012 26

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Salome

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Dexter in Pop Art Clash]

Q:I have been married for almost three years, and I do love my wife very much. I have multiple fantasies where I’m having threesomes or four-ways with groups of men and women or both. I have tried numerous times to explain this to my wife but she wants NO part of it. 
I want more not only for myself sexually but more for our relationship. 
How can I get my point across to her? Should I leave her and explore my options on my own? Or should I just forget about these fantasies?
Sexually Confused in the South

A:Dear Sexually Confused in the South,

You say you love your wife very much and want more for your relationship, but I am skeptical. You are asking for advice on how to press your wife into something that, right now, she has made it clear she does not want to do.

I hear a lot about you and what you want in your question, but nothing about what your wife wants. If you are approaching this as “Honey, this is what I want, give me permission and let me drag you along,” then of course she’s going to be resistant. Sex is something you share with your partner and anything new you try should be something you explore together as equals.

Try initiating a conversation with her about what SHE wants. Don’t use it as a jumping off point to try talking her into your desires again; just ask questions and then listen to the answers. Ask her what she likes in your sex life now, and what she’d like more of, or less of. Ask her if there’s anything she’d ever wanted to try or wondered about doing, but hasn’t brought up to you. If you do this respectfully and honestly, she may surprise you. You may get some of the variety you need in your sex life, she gets to explore her own fantasies, and hopefully you will make her feel safe and secure in the idea of exploring new sexual territory with you.

However, this doesn’t mean you should jump right to “we did what you wanted, now I get an orgy.” Introducing additional partners into a relationship can be an incredible experience, but it can be extremely complicated to pull off. The relationship dynamics have to be right, there has to be total trust, honest and constant communication, pre-established ground rules, and a way for either partner to end the encounter or situation quickly and without fear of judgment or bad feelings. Group sex, swinging, polyamory, open relationships, or any other shade of non-monogamy are not for everyone. It would be unfair of you to demand this of your wife if it is truly not for her, or if she might be up for it but you are unwilling to put the effort into building a strong, loving and trusting relationship that will not be damaged by opening it up.

Before you can think about taking a step as huge as having sex with other people, you need to make sure your relationship is as strong as you can make it – and even then non-monogamy may not be the right choice for the two of you. Only at that point is your choice actually between subsuming your fantasies out of love for your wife or pursuing your fantasies in a life without her.



Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to:

Nov 2012 19

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Dexter

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Dexter in Black Rose]

Q: I was dating this girl that I had met at a friend’s event. We started dating/seeing each other for about 2-3 months, against my friend’s wishes (we share the same mutual friend). I traveled to her, about a hour away, and slept over her place and vise versa. We really only saw each other from Saturday night into Sunday afternoon because she works 6 days a week. I know I didn’t do well with texting her, I only really texted her Thursday, Friday, and Saturday to plan out if we were going to hang out and what we should do.

We did this for about 2-3 months and I thought things were going well between us, until suddenly I texted her to see if she wanted to hang out like I normally did. She told me she couldn’t due to her having to be at a bridal shower for a wedding that she is part of. Then she blindsided me by saying that we shouldn’t see each other anymore and that things weren’t working out.

She gave me the reasons that I lived to far away, I didn’t text her so she assumed that I didn’t care anymore, and that the relationship was over, that we had different interests, and other BS excuses. I just asked her if she was seeing another guy, but she ignored that text. I wasn’t going to be hurt if she met another guy, that’s part of dating, but I just couldn’t get over the reasons of why we shouldn’t see each other anymore. It didn’t make sense because we had been doing this for a couple months and she didn’t say anything to me about there being any problems.

I also asked her why she didn’t text me during the times that I didn’t text her and why she assumed what she assumed and just ended everything. I just hate being lied to and eventually she told me she was seeing another guy. But I don’t understand why she acted like a child and ignored me, lied, and assumed all this about me and our relationship. I liked the girl and want to try to be friends but I just can’t get over how she went about things. I guess I would like your opinion on this whole situation, the girl, and what maybe I should do…

A: First of all, let’s start with this; you mentioned that dating this girl was done against your mutual friend’s wishes. Maybe that friend was trying to save you a whole lot of grief! This girl sounds shady, plain and simple. I can guarantee that she didn’t have much of a problem with the weekend hang out/booty call with minimal strings. She obviously enjoyed it since it went on for a few months.

It seems likely to me that she met someone new, someone local probably. Having someone new is exciting, and it’s pretty damn convenient if that someone new lives only ten minutes away. This gave her an excuse to start using the “lack” of text messages and the distance as an easy way out. Using excuses is much easier than admitting you fucked up. It’s also much easier than telling the truth.

It’s not because she didn’t think YOU could handle it; it’s because SHE couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t handle telling the truth, or being the bad guy in the relationship, so she made up excuses.

If you can accept that she’s a shady kinda girl, then it should make it easy to be just friends with her with no romantic interest. But do you really want shady friends in your circle?

Best Wishes! 



Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to:

Nov 2012 12

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Jaeci

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Jaeci in Be My Lover]

Q: I have fallen in love with my best guy friend. When it started, I didn’t even realize it since I was with my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with the ex five months ago after being with him for over two years because he made me feel bad about myself and guilty for all the things that went wrong in our relationship. He didn’t even take care of me when I started to get drunk on my 21st birthday! Instead, my best friend did, while the ex got drunk and more upset that he didn’t step up. It only took me the weekend to get over him because I fell out of love with him six months before.

My best friend was there for me a lot and, before I knew it, he was all I thought about. We went out for about a month and then out of nowhere he tells me, “I had fun with you but I’m sorry you are in my friend zone” –– after we had shared everything together.

I am not an easy girl at all. It’s been two months since then and somehow when it’s just the two of us we get lost in our conversations. If anyone ever met him they would see how great of a guy he is and not be able to believe he pulled such an asshole move. This past weekend he and I had another heart to heart and he said he was sorry. I confessed how much I loved him and how lucky he was that it was me and not just some other girl because she probably would have left and /or made his life miserable.

I know he says we should just stay friends and he doesn’t want to lose me, but we’ve already passed the point of being ‘just friends.’ I also don’t believe him because of the way he looks at me and knows what I’m thinking. He also acts like he has a school yard crush by teasing me a lot too.

Next week, he, our two friends who are a couple, and me are going beach camping. I have to share a tent with him for a night, and I have no idea how to go about this. What should I do?

Thank you for your time. I love you girls!

A: The short answer: You are going to bring your own sleeping bag or blankets and you are not going to insist on spooning him. It shouldn’t matter that the friends you are going with are a couple –– there are two of you, platonic or romantic, so no one is a third wheel. You’ll have a great time. If something happens, so be it. If not –– c’est la vie.

The long answer: When he apologized for trying to be with you then cutting it short for friendship’s sake, did he say he was sorry because he didn’t want to be with you in the first place/led you on, or did he say he was sorry because he was too concerned about the preservation of your friendship to stay with you? Did he give you any indication of his motivation?

Sometimes, best friends precisely the people you can’t date, even if they seem like exactly who you wish you could. One of my best gals tried dating her bff. They had a magical connection at first because of how intense their relationship had always been, how close they feel, how much they have been through, how he knows her inside and out. The sex was apparently awesome. But, despite everything, she too was friend-zoned. They ultimately parted ways, albeit after much more of a lengthy and heart-wrenching game.

Reality bites, eh.

When someone says, “You’re in my friend zone” for them it generally means, uh, “You’re in my friend zone.” It usually doesn’t mean, “I’m secretly in love with you –– no, really!” Strong feelings of any kind are easy to get lost in. Everything seems more intense when you love someone –– even if you aren’t in love with them. You can definitely mistake platonic love and a surprising, but probably fleeting, physical attraction for “OH MY GOD WEDDING BELLLLSSSS!” Maybe he felt a little spark, you showed you wanted him, it seemed like a great idea until it was totally not a great idea. Also, not everyone associates sex with love and the physical connection you may have had in that month you were together does not necessarily have anything to do with romantic affection.

Please be careful not to project your feelings onto him. It’s easy to see only what you want to see. To me, it sounds a lot like he cares, and not so much like he wants to be with you. Don’t get crushed by deciding you ought to be together when it isn’t what both people want.

If there’s no click this weekend – and don’t spend the whole camping trip waiting for it, wanting it, expecting it, or asking for it – set your sights elsewhere and put him back in the friend zone he has for so long inhabited. Don’t set yourself up for heartbreak. There are plenty of people out there who would love you to be in their girlfriend zone and he can, hopefully, go back to being the best buddy that he was before.


Auntie Jaeci


Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to:

Nov 2012 05

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Lexie

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Lexie in Speres]

Q: I can’t seem to make the leap from friend-zone to boyfriend-zone. Everyone I ask advise from says “just be yourself.” I be myself and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Is it that girls just don’t want me?

A: Oh, boy. The dreaded friend-zone! First off, sure being yourself can work, but only to a certain degree. It can be a terribly slippery slope to make that climb from just friends to something more. Get the wrong footing off the bat and you’re a goner for sure.

You have to remember one important fact, not everyone is going to be in to you the way you are into them. Some people you’re just destined to be friends with. If I could give you a few pointers on trying to stay out of that zone, they’d be this.

Don’t be too nice/accommodating/helpful. If there’s one thing that screams friendship to me it’s having someone all too eager to lend a hand. This applies mainly at the start of building something, once you’ve moved into almost boyfriend-zone, crank up the helpful/sweet notch. Just make sure it’s not too soon or she’ll rely on you for little things and see you as that guy friend that’s so helpful. Be a little aloof/hard to reach. The more you step back the more she’ll want you.

Treat her well but know when not to push it. Take her out to a nice dinner, movie, concert, but afterwards send her on her way. Even though you want to take her to your place and bend her over that futon, don’t push it. Remember the whole hard to reach aspect? Play it up.

Don’t be whiney or complain. Nothing says unattractive like a whiney person. Especially if you throw in desperate and needy, you’ll automatically get thrown into the no boyfriend-zone.

Have something in common with her – I know this seems like a given, but I think it’s really overlooked. I get it, you want that hot bartender at your local bar, but if you just want to talk about Skyrim and the new Batman movie when clearly her eyes are glazing over, it might not work. When someone talks to me about things I have no real interest in, I tend to get instantly turned off.

Hopefully some of these pointers will get you in the right direction. Be yourself, and apply these and it might get you somewhere.



Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: