Dear Bunny…0

by Bunny McIntosh

Dear Bunny,

I just went through another breakup, this is my fourth breakup with the same guy in about a year. I know that’s a lot but I just kept hoping it was gonna work out this time and he seemed like he really wanted things to work too. I know it’s bad that I kept letting him come back but I was just so in love with him. It was a lot less traumatic this time…

and that’s no excuse, but anyways, I kinda felt like something was wrong and he was acting a little strange. We had a talk and we came to the conclusion that things just weren’t working out. We really didn’t have anything in common and we barely went out and did anything fun — basically the only thing we had going for us was amazingly hot sex. We agreed that we can still be friends and be able to talk, so that makes this a little easier.

This time was horrible. He showed up at my house at 11:00 at night, made me wake up and come outside and then told me it wasn’t working out and that it was over and he left. I’m just looking for a bit of a pep-talk, and I know that because I’ve let this happen so many times that I probably just need some sense smacked into my head. I feel bad about all this and I’m just looking for some positive words. Please and thank you.

Sincerely,
Doesn’t Know What To Think, MN

[GoGo Suicide in Leon]

My Dear, dear DKWTT,

You, my honey, are suffering. Evolutionarily, people find it difficult to separate. Loneliness in the wilderness used to mean getting eaten by wolves. We, as humans, are programmed to have a hideous reaction to separating from someone who we depend on (sexually, emotionally, to move a heavy dresser, whatever). And this, DKWTT, is why I am here. Allow me to remind you in capital letters:

YOU BROKE UP WITH THIS NO GOOD JOKER FOR A REASON.

Right? Perhaps he was a dullard. Perhaps he had a jacked-up grill and he never made you laugh. Perhaps his mannerisms annoyed you, he whined, he was attracted to Jessica Simpson, and he couldn’t carry a tune. Maybe he was really bad at reading aloud and wore ill-fitting jeans. Maybe he had great taste in music, but was the snob of a life time. Maybe he looked like a schizophrenic when he took cell phone calls on his bluetooth while walking down the street. I don’t know why you didn’t want him to be your man, but you didn’t.

Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling dependent. You shouldn’t feel sad. Remember: it’s just your limbic system reacting to a biological compulsion. Your need to fall back into bed with someone you trust is completely normal. Sex is nice, but not when it’s keeping you from liking your life.

Remind yourself why he’s lame, put on a Kid Sister album, and go out and have fun. You don’t need to be saddled down by some panting bore who barely holds your attention outside of the bedroom. This isn’t going to work out, and you don’t want it to. Feel happy.

Lose the zero, you’re better than that. You’re not going to get eaten by wolves.

ex oh ex,
Bunny Mcintosh

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