Dear Bunny: Relationship Advice From A Young, Mentally Deficient Dear Abby0

by Bunny McIntosh

These days, I fancy myself a young, mentally deficient Dear Abby. If you need relationship advice, please write to me at meltingdolls@gmail.com. I will respond here to the best of my ability. I will keep all of your information anonymous and try to offer you a sincere and straight forward response. I might mock you if you’re a tool, but I will do so with a good, friendly nature.

And If I fail to relay something decent, don’t blame me, hot shot — you’re the one writing to the SuicideGirls for relationship advice…

Now let’s ignore that fact and get on with it!

Dear Bunny,

I live in a kind of one-horse hick town in the middle of nowhere, and good men are hard to come by. A few months ago while I was out with some girlfriends, I was totally bored (as usual) and not very drunk (slightly less usual) and I started talking to a much older gentleman who turned out to be very interesting. I mean, this guy is OLD. But he was nice and talented and generally wonderful, and he didn’t try to hit on me. In fact, that night he confided in me that it was hard to meet intelligent women his own age around town, and we discussed the fact that my recently-single mother might be a great match for him. Of course, the reality is that my mom lives out of town so it’s not a very practical match, but in the meantime I have made friends with this man. AND I DON’T HAVE MANY FRIENDS IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN TOWN.

The problem is that recently he has been calling and texting me a lot more often, and dropping hints about how he likes much, much younger women. Even though I’m single, I am NOT interested in dating him. He could practically be my GRANDfather. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable! What’s a girl to do???

Signed,
Young and Uninterested

Dear YU,

Maybe he’s a hideous letch, but maybe he’s just pushing the boundaries of your friendship because he’s optimistic and you’ve inadvertently sparked his imagination. Be kind, but for God’s sake, be direct with this man. People are often so desperately polite that they’ll let any hideous action happen to avoid confrontation. You don’t need to be hateful or cruel, but next time he acts a little too comfortable with you, just say “I’m sorry this is about to be awkward, but you’re going to have to treat me like a man if you want to be my friend. I’m not interested in flirting.” Then be cool, honey bunny, and see if he respects you enough to quit with the Don Juan-ing. If he does, super. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t get to be your friend any more because it’s probably going to get awkward fast.

I’m not of the mentality that men and women can’t be friends – I think they can, but you can’t be naive or unwilling to stand up for yourself. People often want to push the limits of a friendship, and that’s human. We are usually looking for similar qualities in lovers and friends, so it’s your job to be crystal clear.

As for living in a one-horse hick town in the middle of nowhere with no friends, oh honey. If you can’t afford to move, I hope you find Mr. Right on the fantastic interwebs. If you want, you can always come stay at my house and we can stay up all night painting each other’s nails and lighting shit on fire.

ex oh ex,
Bunny