Dear Bunny: Relationship Advice From A Young, Mentally Deficient Dear Abby3

by Bunny McIntosh

Questions this week! Here we go, from you, the viewer…

Dear Bunny,
True story: I had a girlfriend. Girlfriend got cancer. She died.
Before shuffling off we had a few talks about what was to become of me
should she take the most dire turn. She had a fantastic sense of humor
and was serious when she told me I could use her demise as a sympathy
card to play when I felt like dating again. I personally have no
problem doing this. It seems a way still goofing off with my deceased
loved one, as well as ushering in a way to move on. But what of the
ladies’ who would/could be on the receiving end of this? In what way
should I consider them?
Ghost Girlfriend
NY, NY

GG,

I think you shouldn’t bother judging a woman who is on the receiving
end of your cosmic joke. If you get to know a new lady by using wacky
manipulation tactics and she falls into bed with you for it, consider
yourself lucky. Be nice to her, don’t string her along, and try to be
honest with the fact that you haven’t moved on.
Once you do get past the initial hurdle of intimacy with another
woman, back off with these tactics. They may be what you need at
first, but it’s unfair for your next potential girlfriend to be
competing with a ghost.

Just a reminder, SSRIs can be life-changing during a tragedy, and I am
a fan. If you feel hideously blue, run to your doctor as quickly as
possible.
Stay strong, and I’m really sorry for your loss.

ex oh ex,
Bunny

Dear Bunny,

I am in an open relationship. I currently have 2 boyfriends and they
are in the know about each other. I love them both very much, but in
very different ways. I am in romantic love with a man called Matt*. He
is the love of my life. Matt’s job requires that he be gone for long
periods of time, and he is ok with my relationship with my second
boyfriend Joe. Joe is a friend from college and I am extremely
comfortable with him and trust him deeply. Recently, Matt has
requested that I refrain from anal intercourse with Joe, as he wants
that to be something that I reserve for him and him alone. The problem
is that Joe and I have already had anal intercourse and it’s his
favorite. What should I do? I hate to be disappointing to either of my
men and I love Matt more than anything, but Joe keeps me from dying of
loneliness when Matt is away.

Sincerely,
Asstastic

A,
Hey hey hey: congratulations to you for being freaky deaky lady who is
honest about her sexual escapades. I hope you’re insistent upon safe
sex, but I’m not going to lecture you.
Logistically, unless Matt has a mini penis or something, anal sex will
probably feel the same for him no matter who you are doing it with.
The physicality is not the issue. Matt wants to feel special. He wants
something with you that Joe doesn’t get. Perhaps he is not all that
jazzed he’s sharing you with a man you admittedly love. Your actions
in the bed room with another man are probably speaking louder than
your words when you’re telling him he’s the man of your dreams.
I’d talk to Matt candidly about why you’re having sex with two people,
and consider whether or not you want to be. If Matt is not really all
that cool with it, I’d try to get to the bottom of that sooner rather
than later. He may worry he’s going to lose you if he demands you stay
faithful. Maybe he just needs emotional reassurance. You need to ask
him, because THIS broad doesn’t know.
If your relationship with Joe is purely a physical thing to satiate
some monster sexual appetite, then you shouldn’t care about
disappointing Joe in the sack. You’re not. He gets to have sex with a
wild woman who he is friends with and who he doesn’t have to be
committed to. Good for Joe.
The thing that strikes me most about this question is that you never
say what you want. You “hate to be disappointing” to either of them,
and anal sex is “Joe’s favorite.” What’s your favorite? Do you like
sleeping with Joe better than Matt? Do you even like anal sex? You
need to be a little selfish and stop worrying about who you will
disappoint in bed. Take care of your head and your heart first, and
your elegant bits second.

ex oh ex,
Bunny

If you need relationship advice, please write to me at meltingdolls@gmail.com. I will respond here to the best of my ability. I will keep all of your information anonymous and try to offer you a sincere and straight forward response. I might mock you if you’re a tool, but I will do so with a good, friendly nature.

And If I fail to relay something decent, don’t blame me, hot shot — you’re the one writing to the SuicideGirls for relationship advice…