by Dr. Grimes
Dr. Grimes Presents: A Guide To Life, The Universe & You’re Welcome
Unlicensed Dr. Grimes presents to you an illustrated, unlicensed doctoral review of hot button topics facing our universe which will be presented to you in a stunning, HD format.*
Dr. Grimes presently holds unlicensed doctorates in almost everything (everything except Sleestaks, which he loathes and fears), supplying unto you, his loyal readers, groundbreaking answers to the topical universal questions that plague us all.
And as always, dear readers, please watch out for poorly marked ground wells.
– Dr. Grimes
*HD presentation dependent upon individual reader’s eyesight
***
This Week Dr. Grimes Saves America
Alright gang. There has been a lot of talk and speculation about America falling behind the curve these days. And I’m not going to stir the pot or kick the hornet’s nest (or stir the pot full of hornets, creating a hornet allemande sauce to be drizzled over sautéed hornets, served with a generous side portion of hornet), by saying that these speculations are in any way incorrect. But instead of pretending that we have a chance in hell of catching up to these fitter, prettier nations taking the lead, we can at least hope to gain an edge by taking a page from the gossip celebrity magazines and do the next best thing – get drunk, be belligerent, and steal the limelight.
“Alright China, I see you way up there. Yeah, go ahead South Korea. Germany, England, France, Sweden, Denmark, Canada…keep walking. I’m looking at YOU, Egypt. You think you can hog the headlines with a simple Government overthrow? Ha! Done. We can do that. Piece of cake. And our upheaval will be prettier, shinier, grander, explodier, and cryier than yours!”
OK, you say? What now Dr. Grimes? Are you going to tell us how to overthrow our own government?
Yes.
Grab your pecorn, popnuts, chewing can and gumdy, citizens. It’s about to get real overthrowy in here.
You see, all the attempts over the years (sans our own civil war) to insight rage by pointing out governmental flaws have worked very well – in creating protests, demonstrations, and even new political parties – but they’ve fallen short. It’s a numbers game. And it’s so hard to get the numbers needed for real action. How can you get everybody under one cause when we are all so torn on every issue we face? How do we even start!?
Here’s how. We make fun of Colorado. And I’m not talking about the off-handed colorful remarks that made Family Circus a comic staple for so many years. I am talking about belligerent, inappropriate, offence lambastings with smatterings of insults geared towards their state flag and state animals sprinkled in for good measure*. And specifically – we need LOS ANGELES to be the one do it! That’s right LA, it all starts with YOU. You are our Cairo, City of Angels. We’re going to need your ugliest insults poised at the ready and your middle fingers extended and waiving brazenly due northeast**. And for good measure, you may want to send TMZ up there to follow the whole state around.
And that’s all we really need. The chain of events will speak for themselves. After Colorado’s “Quit It’s” and “Hey, Cut It Out’s” are blatantly ignored, they’ll finally just utter a few “Alright Then’s” and “You Asked For It’s” and take action. They’ll stop sending LA their delicious delicious water.
This will have no impact whatsoever on LA’s drinking supply, as most of its consumed water is bottled and shipped from Fiji, Lake Arrowhead, and some magical watery land called Aquafina. No, more importantly, LA will realize its imported labor can no longer water their lawns. LA’s neighborhoods will cease to look like neighborhoods of the central and eastern states where almost the entirety of its population migrated from and will face the realization their land is, in fact, a desert. As misters fail to cool its zoo, ballpark, and amusement park attendees, and hoses fail to clean driveways, the people will become something worse than thirsty. They’ll become sweaty. And LA will begin to create it finest and greatest locally produced signature staple – RIOTS.
With all the local businesses, educational institutions, and oriental cartoon-cute yogurt shops burned to the ground, the studios will be next. And without a make-believe America to come home to and watch every night, and after about a week of watching only the news and saying, “Wait, this can’t be right,” America will be faced to draw the blinds and actually take a look at the nation – for reals. And it won’t be pretty folks. As soon as this place realizes it doesn’t have David Carusso to take off his sunglasses, tilt his head, and solve all of its problems, shit’s gonna get real ***.
And there you have it. Take that, Egypt! If we can’t climb the rungs legitimately, we still know how to get our face in the paper. And if television has proven anything else as of late, it’s that America knows how to take existing ideas and make them, if not better, at least bigger, more HD’ier and more…America’ier.
Dr. Grimes.
* Maybe start with, “Hey Colorado, your flag looks like the Commodore 64 logo. And bit like the Chicago Cubs’ emblem. Way to be a sucky, pixilated, out-dated gaming system and an unfortunately non-winning-the-world-series-in-quite-a-good-while baseball team!” And “The Lark Buntuing? Really? The Lark Bunting?! Wow. Did you guys have to pick last?”
** If you need more insult help, just call any major Talent Agency and tell them you’re from out of town, just arrived, and would like to be represented by them. Keep a pen and paper handy.
And for those of you who don’t know which direction northeast is, imagine you’ve just walked out of the Hollywood Katsuya and you want to throw your leftover rainbow roll at a homeless man out in front of the Pantages Theater. Bam.
*** My advice to Vermont: kick back guys. Throw a few lawn chairs out front, crack a few frosty ones, fire a couple of shots into the fracas to stir the pot of hornet allemande, and have a few chuckles. VT will be it’s own country again soon anyway.
SuicideGirls cannot be held liable for any loss, injury, death or bad breath that may be caused as a result of following Dr. Grimes advice. If you’re stupid enough to do so, you A. do it at your own risk, B. (for readers living in California-only) should consult your horoscope first, and C. probably should seek immediate psychiatric help.
