I took a week off from this blog because politics was a bit slow, and the only story was about Ron Paul – and I didn’t want to write about Ron Paul. This is a blog, not a democracy and I’ll write what I want (and what my editor will print!). But now I’m forced back to work to write about someone even worse. Not that Ron Paul is bad – he’s just nuts and I feel like if I write about him I’ll fall down a rabbit hole of crazy. Like I’ll be transported into a David Lynch film where nothing really makes sense, and then Robert Blake shows up – and shit, I’m not mentally stable enough for that right now! Although, I have always wanted to be Patricia Arquette. See, right now I’m just procrastinating, I’m bringing up random things I could write about for days (David Lynch, Rabbit Holes) because I don’t want to be writing about Newt Gingrich…did I mention I’m listening to Tom Waits…I really love him…I feel he’s not recognized enough as an artist and more people should get down with Tom Waits on, don’t you?
FINE! OKAY! I’LL DO IT! I’LL TALK ABOUT NEWT GINGRICH! JESUS CHRIST! So first off, Newt Gingrich is still alive and feels as though he’s relevant in politics. Someone needs to send him that memo about how he’s not (relevant, sadly he’s still alive – though some may argue he’s as good as brain dead). And while we’re at it, can we send it to all the idiots that are giving him a 24% approval rating! 24%?!?!!? GUYS, COME THE FUCK ON! HIS NAME IS NEWT!
I know, I’m just being petty, but I really don’t like this guy. One of the major reasons is because of something he did this week. Newt came under fire for stupid remarks he made that his party didn’t like; he advocated humane immigration policies. Yeah, the Republican’s aren’t gonna dig anything that’s humane when it comes to minorities. I bet you they’re puppy kickers too. Now, I’m not mad that he took a humane stance on immigration. I’ll back him on that. I am mad that he called it “the heart position.” Shut the fuck up Newt!
Moving on…So not only did he give his stance a girly name – when he came under fire for it HE THREW SOMEONE ELSE UNDER THE BUS. When the Republican’s were like “Newt…,” (and I’m paraphrasing here, I wasn’t actually at this meeting of the Republican Party, I had a prior engagement with Pitt-Bulls and Parolees on Animal Planet) “You can’t go on TV and say you don’t want to throw illegals out of the country – that’s what we do!,” Newt didn’t defend his position. He didn’t say, “Look, back in 1986 when Reagan was in office, and milk was a quarter, I voted for a bill that granted amnesty!” He didn’t even restate what he said to Wolf Blizter during the debate which was, “If you’ve come here recently, you have no ties to this country, you ought to go home. Period. If you’ve been here 25 years and you got three kids and two grandkids, you’ve been paying taxes and obeying the law, you belong to a local church, I don’t think we’re going to separate you from your family, uproot you forcefully and kick you out.” (Which by the way is a good stance that the Republican’s STILL don’t like. They’re all “I don’t care how many roots you set down here…get the fuck out!”) No, he didn’t say any of that. What Newt did say was, “Romney said it first.” Yup, he tattled!
Romney made some remarks on NBC’s Meet the Press and these remarks were circulated by Newt’s campaign the day after he spoke his heart position! Tuesday he said it, by Wednesday he was reduced to pointing fingers at Romney. Now, Newt said this crap on Tuesday – TUESDAY 2011. Romney said it in 2007 (I’m unsure of the day of the week). Romney said “that those people who had come here illegally and are in this country, the 12 million or so that are here illegally, should be able to sign up for permanent residency or citizenship.”
Romney has since flipped his stance on so many things, so many times, who gives a fuck what he said in 2007? I can’t handle going back that far in time and cross checking his facts. Romeny’s people came out and said Newt took the quote out of context, and now he’s saying amnesty would make the problem worse, blah blah blah. But since a little mudslinging is part of politics, no one usually takes this kind of kerfuffle to heart. But Newt took it one step further, he wanted people to know he was serious. So he did what any respectable man of his age would do, he took it to Twitter. The former Speaker of the House twatted (yes, I said twatted instead of tweeted because I am sorry Newt is acting like an insufferable twat)
Take a look at what he twatted:
The link he posted takes you to this YouTube clip:
Ooooooh @newtgingrich put those claws away!!!!
Now, lets look at Newt’s Twitter. His bio reads: “Husband, father, grandfather, citizen, small businessman, author, former Speaker. I’m running for president to offer leadership to solve America’s challenges.”
“Citizen” – really? You had to put in your bio that you are a citizen of this country? “Small Businessman” – dude you’re a fucking millionaire…MUTLI-MILLIONAIRE. You are in the one percent. Nothing about your business is small. “Offer leadership to solve American’s challenges,” okay, let me break this down a bit more, ‘cause this is a writer’s trick!
“Offer leadership,” that’s a play on words, he’s not offering anything, he’s begging for a job. We’re not running to Newt saying “America is in trouble please help us!!” And he’s not going, “Ugh, alright, I’ll bail you out this once.” He is spending a fortune, and minding his Ps & Qs, working his dick off for this job. HE WANTS THIS JOB!! Do not tell me you’re “offering,” ‘cause what you’re offering I AIN’T BUYING. SO TAKE YOUR OFFER BACK TO YOUR SMALL BUSINESS!
Next, “to solve America’s challenges,” look you can thesaurus this all you want, but America doesn’t have “challenges.” This bitch has PROBLEMS. We have MAJOR PROBLEMS, don’t offer leadership to fix challenges, offer to get up there and fix the problems. Bottom line these candidates need to grow a set of balls.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go get ready, there’s a beautiful woman with huge tits waiting for me to interview her. God Bless America!!!
