Every day I’m surrounded by goddamn vegetables. You see, I’m in charge of quality control at a major West Coast vegetable processing plant. Sort of like my own personal hell really. Why, just yesterday I was overseeing the processing of around forty ton an hour of Oregon’s best field-fresh green beans for eight hours plus. That’s a fuck-ton (an arseload in metric for all you Euro folk) surrounding me every moment of the day; dripping their juices on me from weird white whirling belts, stinking up the place with goodness, and generally just being too goddamn healthy. Surrounding me also, is a sea of tiny immigrant laborers like underpaid Oompa-Loompas with no health plan making this bizzaro Willy Wonka- world factory hum and whistle. They are also heavily involved with the weird white whirling belts, but for the most part none have dripped their juices on me.
By the end of an eight-hour shift I need something shitty after being surrounded by a vegan’s wet dream for such an unbearable amount of time. Not only must it be shitty, but it must be greasy and hopefully processed beyond reproach and recognition. Luckily the strange smelling ultra-cheap grocery store was open at midnight and I found these little beauties tucked in between the frozen cow knuckles and the recently expired Banquet Salisbury Steaks.
I love things that taste like other things. Such as, oh, mayo that tastes like bacon. Or when something purple actually tastes like grape. In this case, these evil little nuggets are obviously Totino’s Pizza Rolls that taste like tacos. As a precaution I opted to consume the Imodium A-D before I even opened the bag.
Taco seasoning topping? What the fuck is that exactly? And how is it a topping when clearly it’s inside the roll? I prefer much less ambiguous terms when it comes to what I plan to ingest and poop within the next eight to twelve hours. Well, perhaps three in this case. Let’s see here; contains chicken and beef. Can’t be that bad if I get to eat two animals at once, right?
Oh sweet, mechanically separated meat! And as much as I’d like to imagine some sort of butcher-programmed version of Johnny 5 whipping me up some vittles while he screams “input,” I know it’s pretty much the other side of the equation. Fuck, just Google it. Even more horrifying than Steve Guttenberg’s career, eh?
So here they are splayed out in all their pale glory on my ancient pizza pan carefully seasoned from the fiery sacrifice of many a cheap, frozen pizza and store brand breaded chicken strip. Lightly oiled of course, as sacrifices can stick like a pissah. Ask Mola Ram about his Pam bill.
And here they are fresh from the oven on what is obviously my “company china,” reserved for visiting dignitaries, heads-of-state, the reanimated corpse of Johnny Cash, and you folks. Best served with a hot sauce of your choice; I prefer Secret Aardvark, but Tapatio will do in a pinch. Ranch is also an option if you’d like to make them unhealthier or just cover up the taste of bile in your throat.
These fuckers have a tendency to be boiling hot inside. Really goddamn hot. If we still had castles, guys on the walls in metal hats would be slicing these open and pouring the contents down on the legions below, savoring the pained wails of those sent screaming and screeching into the filthy moats for relief from the hellish torment that is piping hot mozzarella cheese substitute. And making it worse, they sort of ejaculate their meaty/cheesy sauce load onto you in a totally non-consenting manner when you nom them. Assholes, I hate skin grafts. Almost as much as skim milk, Casey Anthony, and that cheap store-brand sliced cheese that just sweats like Louie Anderson instead of melting on your microwave burrito.
So all in all these things have more fake shit in them then Heidi Montag. Yes, I’m counting Spencer Pratt. And they shoot through your system like the goddamn bullet train trying to make up for lost time. But they don’t taste as awful as I expected, just that generic sort of taco flavor that shitty food tastes like. Fake cheesy flavor? Check! Ambiguous meat flavor? Yessir! Weird taco-chili flavor? In spades! As such I recommend them best served with a fine American malt liquor and, if available, a strain of marijuana that has a name with both a letter and a number in it. If the aforementioned is unavailable, a rag soaked in nail polish remover or a can of Endust will also work in a pinch.
4/10 flushes
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