Sex, Lies, Republicans, and Zombies0

by Nicole Breanne

So, Herman Cain, the latest opinion polls show Cain, the former chief executive of a chain of pizza restaurants, running about even with former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who had been the front-runner. Cain appeals to some conservatives because he is a political outsider at a time of anti-Washington sentiment that could help the Republicans challenge Democratic President Barack Obama in 2012.

Except he doesn’t have the cash for a campaign, and the fact that he’s an idiot, but the Republican’s don’t care about that. First he stated in a PBS interview earlier in the week that China had indicated it is “trying to develop nuclear capability” even though their nuclear weapons testing dates back to the 1960s! 1960, 2011 what the big difference? China sucks according to Cain.

But his lack of knowledge on foreign affairs isn’t what this blog is about; it’s about Herman Cain being down to fuck anyone but his wife (and zombies, but we’ll get to them later).

So about ten years ago, when Herman was the head of the trade group of the National Restaurant Association he got a little “inappropriate” with some ladies…and paid them off. WHAT?!?!? A SEX SCANDAL!?!? HOW DARE HE! WHY I NEVER!!!

Fucking, duh! Of course a sex scandal was gonna come out, this one is pretty tame, mostly because the women involved can’t speak about it, cause they took hush money.

So how is Herman handling this? Well, he started his day off in Virginia with a speech to doctors about his health care agenda (or lack thereof), and said, “Don’t even bother asking me all of these other questions that you all are curious about, okay? Don’t even bother.” But us journalists are just so nosey on account of the fact that that’s what we’re paid to be, so of course someone brought it up ,and Herman went all Ike Turner, “What did I say? Excuse me. Excuse me!” I kept waiting for him to say, “The name stays home!!” then slap a Tina Turner impersonator. Of course, his Campaign Manager said he felt it was an appropriate response. But really what’s he going to say, “My candidate is a mess”? The dude wants a job after this.

Joel P. Bennett, the lawyer for one of two women, said in interviews Tuesday that he had asked the trade group to waive an agreement and allow her to talk openly about her allegations and to respond to Cain’s claims that the complaints were “totally baseless and totally false.”

“I know her very well,” he told CNN late Tuesday, “and I’m sure she would not make a false complaint.” Again, what the fuck is a lawyer going to say? “My client is batshit crazy but I like the publicity”? He’s not a Kardashian, he hides his fame whoring!

Back to Herman, he has admitted he knew of one agreement between the restaurant association and a woman who accused him of sexual harassment. He has said the woman initially asked for a large financial settlement but ultimately received two to three months’ pay as part of a separation agreement. Nothing fishy there right? He also acknowledged remembering one of the woman’s accusations against him, saying he stepped close to her to make a reference to her height, and told her she was the same height as his wife. That’s not sexual harassment, but once again what is he going to say, “I went up to her and asked if she’d get on her knees for me”? No, no, no! But then he denied knowing of agreements/settlements with any other women (please let there be more women!).

Now let’s get down to brass tacks, The New York Times reported Tuesday night that the trade group gave a female employee a year’s salary in severance pay after she said an encounter with Cain made her uncomfortable working there. This is absurd. If you make a formal complaint about someone sexually harassing you they do not straight up offer you severance pay. They put you both in a room, you watch an after school special video, you take a mini test, and you talk to HR, that’s it. If it happens again maybe the dude gets fired, or you get transferred, but they are not coughing up a year’s salary for you to fuck off to Vegas, or Tahoe, or wherever cause some dude invaded your personal space. If that was proper etiquette do you know how many chicks would be collecting severance?

Herman, knock it off! Just come clean. Why doesn’t he just do an interview like, “Look, I’m a man, a god-damn man! I got needs! She’s was lookin’ all fine, and me and the Mrs. hadn’t gotten it on in a while, so I flirted, I crossed a line, I pushed a boundary, I’m sorry if she felt uncomfortable but the real victim here is my wife” (totally said in an Ike Turner tone and accent). I’d get behind that statement, because it’s the truth (and I love the movie What’s Love Got To Do With It but he’d have to say it like Ike!). A lot of men are fucking dicks, and they don’t care about the girl they have at home, they care about the girl in front of them. Poor Gloria Cain, I’ve never even seen her but now her dirty laundry is all out in the open, which is to be expected when your husband runs for office I get that, but I feel for her.

There’s no classy way out of this. Take Jackie O, her husband, JFK, young, good looking, powerful family, President, he fucked Marilyn Monroe, an icon, sex symbol, movie star, and he probably did whole bunch of other top notch broads too. Jackie took it on the chin, and I think most women would be like, “Well, it is Marilyn Monroe…” but this…this is some chick that worked at a pizza restaurant chain, and this isn’t a young, good looking, powerful President, this is the owner of a pizza restaurant chain, that sings about pizza, if that song wasn’t embarrassment enough. I feel for you Gloria Cain.

I can’t tell you how many times friends have cheated on their girls, or crossed lines with lesser models, and I just want to grab them and smack them with a newspaper and rub their nose in the skank they cheated with. They need to learn! I mean really? This? This low life coke-whore, with the body of a 10-year old boy, and flat lifeless hair?? What are you thinking?!!? I’m sorry, but if you can’t pick a better chick to go down on you, then you can’t choose my legislation! Oh, before anyone brings up, “Monica Lewinsky wasn’t top notch” I know that, but that chick was a pro at dropping, and Bill Clinton closed the deal. Herman Cain can’t even close the deal!! HERMAN CAIN YOU’RE RUNNING FOR OFFICE FOR PETE’S SAKE!

I was so upset that after all this came out, all his nonsense, his 9-9-9, his sex scandal, his misstep on China, his running around on CNN screaming about how Rick Perry lives on N***erhead Ranch, that maybe, just maybe someone would be like, “Ok Hermy, enough, you’re done. We need a serious candidate.” But no, nobody stepped up. It’s a sideshow, and I threw my hands up, I didn’t know what to do, I got really depressed, you guys. So I went to the internet for a solution. I found one.

Who ya gonna call?? REPUBLICAN ZOMBIE DEFENSE! This video, as silly as it is makes so much sense. Seriously, we need a Southern boy with a sense of politics, a cheerleader with a stance on gay marriage, a sister that loves the system, and a Latino that hugs trees. I think this could work, cause we’ve tried reasoning, we’ve tried spelling it out, we’ve tried talking to them like they’re a bunch of 5 year olds, nope….nothing. Still got Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Ron Paul as candidates. This has got to work you guys….because I don’t have Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harrold Remis, or Ernie Hudson’s phone numbers. But I’m working on it.