by Scott Rothman and Mike Sacks
$1,000 wk/8BR – Come enjoy beautiful East Hampton this summer! Awesome beach house just steps from ocean, with fabulous views throughout. New Weber grill. Plenty of rooms to sob in. Totally did not just rent this and hope I could find 7 other people to spend the summer with me. Tennis nearby. Minutes from town. Jacuzzi. Newly installed phone for late-night therapist and ambulance dialing. New bedding. Bedbug issue semi resolved.
Other amenities include laundry room, weight room, a guy looking to meet some cool buds, wrap-around deck where the seeds of new friendships can be planted, showers no one has rigged to look at you naked, etc.
No smokers! Fresh ocean breezes and a kickin’ stereo that will continuously blast bluegrass covers of Pink Floyd classics. There is also a white-noise machine
to cancel out all sounds of real waves and children’s laughter.
Free on-site parking, but you must be willing to drive me to bars and restaurants if you’re headed there. FiOS, Bluetooth and Internet included-there are no filters, except when Googling my name. Just unpack and relax. Seriously. Almost like a cottage.
Fully stocked kitchen, but no tempting knives. I have a 25-foot boat, perfect for throwing parties and chillin’. Or just showing the locals that I do have friends. Library stocked with used self-help books that work with varying results.
Central air. Pets negotiable! Not negotiable: willingness to play board games. Also: a willingness to wear jammies and to sprinkle rainbow jimmies on everything!
Compulsory Goofy Golf championship held every third night. Winners must strut around porch with a homemade coconut trophy. Obligatory participation in nightly naked trust falls (or clothed, whatevs). Again, absolutely no smoking! But if you must, that’s okay, too.
Very few rules! That said, if you do disobey the rules you will have to partake in impromptu tickling contests. RESERVE NOW! This one is too good to pass up!
To reiterate: you will NOT be disappointed with this house! Billy Joel’s uncle once took a bowel movement in the bathroom. Hardwood floors throughout. Very effective vacuum cleaner. I am a great listener. Must be an expert at that Israeli paddle game and willing to teach me how to play. May take hours. May take days. May take all summer. Patience is a virtue. How can you resist?! Heated hot tub! 65-inch, black-and-white plasma TV! Must adore the movies of Meg Ryan- played at ear-deafening levels!
Lavish furnishings. House decorated in warm, natural beach tones. The recurring theme is that of being stuck on a desert island, with an ever-decreasing supply of water and sanity. Outdoor shower. Homemade soaps and shampoos available for purchase. Cash only. Leather-and-suede “L”-shaped couch, perfect for charades and heavy petting (or more), if everyone’s comfortable and the mood is right. You’ve found heaven! SEARCH NO FURTHER!
Six Flags just 326 miles away.
Renters (new pals) only pay for electric, plumbing, cable, gas, as well as installation of solar panels to be attached to aforementioned jacuzzi. Refrigerator covered with “Wizard of Id” comics. Beach tags included-but required only inside house.
Must sneeze into the crook of your elbow. No shirt, no shoes, no underwear, no problem! No need to bring a large Betty Boop “Surf’s Up” flag-I already have one. You know those extremely loud capiz-shell windsocks everyone hates? Have three of those. Enjoy your time fishing, crabbing, kayaking, Jet Skiing, or simply watching super-8 movies of me watching you sleep!
Beach chairs provided. Must be willing to assemble fifteen IKEA POÄNG beach chairs. Hey, folks! This house is one sweet, neat, complete retreat! Come and enjoy the windswept charm! Bike rack. Bocce equipment. Bring your own CPR kit. Just kick back, relax, and help me cover myself in Noxzema. In the evening, the sunsets will turn the sky pink, and our thoughts will turn to mandatory skit night (last weekend in August). Winner gets unlimited Eskimo kisses and alone time with owner.
Flexible check-in/check-out dates: June 3 before 9:00 AM, out on September 4 before 9:00 AM. Low $200 security deposit returned ASAP, on the compulsory condition that we have become inseparable.
So if you’re looking for a fun vacation, close to the beach, with a guy with extraordinarily high expectations of what he needs from others, you’ve come to the perfect spot! What R U waiting for? Seriously. What? Contact owner for more information or just to say hi. Photos okay. Actually, photos would be great! Yeah! PHOTOS A MUST!
Mike Sacks has written for Vanity Fair, Esquire, GQ, The New Yorker, Time, MAD, Vice, Maxim, Women’s Health, and Salon, among others. He has worked at The Washington Post, and is currently on the editorial staff of Vanity Fair. His first book, And Here’s the Kicker: Conversations with 21 Top Humor Writers on their Craft, was published in 2009. He followed it up with the 2010 compendium of copulation disinformation Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk, which he co-wrote with a group of comedians otherwise known as the Pleasure Syndicate.
The above piece is taken from Sacks’ most recent book, Your Wildest Dreams, Within Reason, which contains 54 short humor pieces originally written for The New Yorker, Esquire, Time, Vanity Fair, and McSweeney’s, among others. Reprinted by kind permission of Tin House, (c) 2011.
