Jennifer Love Hewitt may have starred in my favorite workout video as a child, but she is no friend of mine. I’m going to blame our culture’s frenzy with accessorizing our vaginas on her. Honey, we didn’t need to know that Jamie Kennedy loves your lady bits bedazzled.
We all know that having a vagina gives you power. Not only can it get you penis (or vagina), it can now get you that raise. High five, vagina! But we’re women. Heavens forbid we show up to the same shindig in the same outfit, let alone the same hoohah.
If you’re not current on the vajayjay trends du jour (vajazzling and clitter are so last season) don’t worry: this gal’s got your back. I’m an expert in all things ridiculous and unnecessary. Hopefully, this list caters to both bare and bushy parties.
Vagina Mints – Is your paramour hesitant to go down on you? Well, here’s a product to sweeten the deal. Mints for your vajayjay! (Not baloney-flavored at all! They promise to be minty!) They’ll be all over your juices in no time.
Vagina Dye – Are your lips not as vibrant and rosy as they used to be? We never skip our lips in our morning routine, so don’t forget to indulge your lips below as well. And look at that, My New Pink Button comes in four lovely shades: Marilyn, Ginger, Audrey and Bettie. Who do you want your lady bits channeling today?
Vaginal Rejuvenation – I’m sorry to break it to you, sista, but just like your face, your vagina will age as well. In addition to the wear and tear of certain pastime activities, you may have a whole other human being using your hoohah as an exit! Make sure to have Dr. David Matlock on speed-dial; he’ll tighten you up down below in a jiffy.
Labiaplasty – And for you perfectionists, what’s a snip here or there? After all, we can’t have un-proportional, un-ladylike lips, now can we? It’s a little drastic, but it’s all in the name of beauty!
But what’s the most budget-friendly, personalized way to differentiate your hoohah from all the other hoohahs out there on the market today? The Vattoo!
Move over tramp stamp; temporary tattoos are back in business!
Whether for a partner or for yourself, go show off your proud ‘gina! Oh wait, that’s right, you’re not Brit Brit or LaLaLohan, let’s keep those lady parts away from the front page of a glossy.
