By Malloreigh
Dating is immeasurably frustrating. It’s not like the dating pool is huge to begin with – sure, there are lots of people out there, but we all have our tastes, our proclivities, our peculiarities. Sometimes we fall in lust with someone totally unavailable; sometimes the opposite happens; sometimes we like someone enough to date them and only find out after we’ve given away our hearts that they are fake poser liar cheating assholes. Ahem. Sorry, it’s not like I’m speaking from personal experience…
So imagine dating; imagine how difficult, how awkward, how soul-killing it is. Now, throw being a vegan into the mix. I’ve been on a few dates with people who chose to be totally offensive and disrespectful of my eating preferences. That, my friends, is a dealbreaker – so the next time you’re on a date with a vegan, don’t make any of those tacky jokes, and don’t try to feed your restricted-diet potential lover a bite of your steak at dinner – it’s just rude.
But wait, it gets better. Some vegans choose not to sleep with meat-eaters altogether. Some vegans go so far as to only sleep with other vegans. It’s a phenomenon called “vegansexuality” – and I think it’d be more common among vegans if it weren’t so damn hard to find other eligible, attractive vegans. But despite the extra effort involved – a vegan-only dating diet can be worth it in more ways than one. See, when your diet is poor – and this includes not only meat, but soda, alcohol, cigarettes – it affects your health, which in turn – pay attention! – affects the way you smell and taste. (Sometimes, it also affects your asshole factor. See above.)
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By Malloreigh
If you’ve chosen not to eat animal products, what’s the point in making “fake” versions of them? I get this question all the time. A lot of people don’t seem to understand why vegans and vegetarians find it necessary to make faux meats and cheeses, or construct veg versions of meaty, dairy-filled foods.
Every culture has its own food and its own customs surrounding meals – even if you’ve never left your white bread suburb, you’ve probably encountered ethnic food of some kind. Food, and the experience of eating it, is a spiritual practice; it’s an instrument of cultural cohesion that binds people together despite long distances and changing religions. From holiday feasts with your family to business meetings over lunch, food has always, and will always, function as a centerpiece for cultural events and ritual. It’s also rich to our senses – both taste and smell – and therefore is strongly linked to memory.
There’s a reason we haven’t adopted the common sci-fi prophecy of eschewing the time-consuming process of cooking and eating in favor of nutrition pills. Food is enjoyable, important, and culturally meaningful, and it is for this reason that vegetarians make “faux” versions of omnivorous meals.
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by SnakePlissken
Growing up as a forced Catholic really fucking sucked. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to make a butt-fucking joke right? Nope. I was going to make a “getting up early on a Sunday” joke. It’s really the only thing worse than forced sodomy. But what those early Sundays were great for was shit booze. A little hit of something cheap and sweet when you’re half-awake really goes well with a slice o’ Christ. To this day I still don’t mind hitting the sauce a little early on the Day of Rest. Today I choose something cheap and purple. A little something called Four Loko Uva.
According to the webshite, Four Loko Uva (a.k.a. headache in a can), is named after a Brazilian berry of the same name. I’m guessing the berry doesn’t also contain taurine, guarana, caffeine, and 12 % ABV though. Yep, this shit has all that peppy stuff blended right in, not only making the drinker asshole-loud, but not able to pass out. Great.
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by Tara Diane
I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with a fricking amazing, super simple macaroni and cheese recipe. I thought I had it perfected last year, but recent revisions have proven otherwise. So, I am sharing with you, because I love you so much, my favorite artery hardening formula for cheesy pasta fatty goodness.
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by Tara Diane
I was supposed to go to this dinky little local amusement park tonight, but things didn’t exactly work out. In an effort to hinder my depression, I felt like some fatty fair food was in order. I don’t need your Ferris wheel to enjoy myself, bitches! I remember going to the boardwalk in Santa Cruz when I was in high school. We would usually go down to the caves and take an educational tour of the local vegetation, then go pig out on funnel cakes. So let’s make some fricking funnel cakes!
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