Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Yulia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I guess this isn’t a major thing or whatever, but at the moment it is to me. In my head I imagine the things couples do, simple things like going on a walk or a picnic, going out to dinner and then to the cinema, but these are probably more like what happens in movies than in real life – or at least I haven’t done these with my girlfriend and we’ve been going out 8 months now. I really want to spend time and go out and do these things with her. I’m only 19 and this is the second and longest relationship I have been in, so I’m not sure how these things go or whatever.

I guess my first question is: In movies and on TV shows you see/hear of people having “the conversation.” Do people actually do this? Is it important to have the conversation?

The main thing is, my girlfriend works all the time, and I mean literally all the time. She’s working 12-hour shits, and double shifts one after the other – sometimes without a break – so she can afford to live where she recently moved to. This means that we don’t see each other that often and when we do it’s usually not for long. I pop in to her work to see her on my way from college to work or if I’m in town, and occasionally I spend the night at hers but then she has to leave early in the morning for work. I want to cook her pancakes for breakfast and have breakfast in bed or something to be romantic, but she doesn’t eat breakfast and is always rushing off to work. I feel that whenever we have longer to spend with each other, I go round her flat and it’s always the same. We watch TV for a bit, maybe while we’re eating lunch or something, then we go to her bedroom to snuggle which always turns into a bit more and then she’s off to work like as soon as we’re done. I don’t mind what we do, it’s just her leaving at the end. It’s all a bit rushed when really all I want to do is spend time with her.

Recently I’ve been feeling down and have been in weird moods, and it’s because I keep thinking about this and I don’t know what to do. I’m happy with her and I love her, I just don’t know whether to tell her or not. I guess, I don’t want it to ruin our relationship, but also I don’t really want to be hiding how I feel from her.

I guess my second question is: Do I tell her how I’m currently feeling or just be patient and glad of every opportunity we get to spend together? I know she has to work, I just wish I could spend more time with her. I just don’t know how. I don’t know what to do any more.

Sincerely,

Quite a bit confused in the UK

A: It definitely sounds like you could both use a change of scenery! I can relate to both of you. I live in an expensive city with ridiculous rental rates but what you’re describing as the ideal is exactly what I hope for in relationships too. On that note, I wouldn’t be surprised if your girlfriend felt the same way you do about wanting a richer “dating” life, but she may feel powerless and at a loss as to how to change anything. She may not want to bring up the problem without having a solution.

If “the conversation” is about where you each stand and where the relationship is going, yes, people do talk about these things. But I don’t find these conversations are pre-planned or even announced most of the time; instead, they just happen. You’re walking somewhere together and something you said makes her ask, “So am I your girlfriend?” or something like that, or vice versa. Obviously you two are pretty comfortable together by now, since 8 months have passed, but these future-oriented talks can still be awkward. Wait until the moment feels right, no one is stressed or rushed (at least not immediately), and do tell her how you feel and ask how she feels too. I’ve known more relationships to end because the couple couldn’t talk to each other openly than those that ended because they could. Tell her how much you like/love her, and then tell her that because you feel this way you want a bit more.

Nothing has to change drastically, unless your girlfriend wins a lottery and can cut back on work. You could suggest simple things to change up your routine and refresh your relationship that wouldn’t take much extra time, such as having lunch on a balcony or in a nearby park instead of in front of the TV. Play cards or Scrabble for entertainment. Meet at a museum or gallery instead of her apartment. Go see a matinee; it’s not quite a dinner date, but if the schedule allows… If you’re up for a goofier idea, suggest a throwback to middle school with Truth or Dare — if this is appealing and you both are into it, you might be able to start that conversation quite appropriately. I don’t doubt that your girlfriend is chronically exhausted from overwork, so I wouldn’t recommend trying anything too exerting until she has some time off.

Good luck! You’re an amazing person for wanting to get out and have fun with your lady. I’m sure deep down she appreciates it and is utterly grateful to have you in her life.

Yulia

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com