Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0

By SG’s Team Agony

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. A few months ago I had a boyfriend. We had a long distance relationship for eight months. I went to his country to meet up with him twice, and he promised me he’d come visit me this year. However, a month after I got back from seeing him, he stopped sending emails and answering the phone, and so on. It was like he died. After I spoke with his friends, he sent an email saying, “I’m sorry but I like anther person and I cannot be with you like before.” I asked him to explain and said I wanted to be his friend, but this was in July and he still hasn’t responded. It makes me very sad. I write emails to him and try to find out how he’s doing, but he won’t communicate with me. I understand that love can die, but what is his problem with being friends? I think he is wonderful person and I still love him a lot. I only wanna be his friend.

I feel alone and sad. I don’t love myself a lot, but he made me feel good. I try to work and study a lot, but I cry everyday. I wanna cry in class and I don’t know what I should do. How I can talk with him? And how can I feel good about myself again? What I can do?

A. This sounds like an incredibly frustrating situation. You’ve lost a relationship that was very important to you and you’re unable to get any closure on it. It’s completely reasonable for you to want to understand why he ended your romantic relationship, and to ask for an explanation. However, it seems that despite your best efforts, he has chosen to cut off contact, at least for now. You can’t force him into a friendship or even into explaining anything. After all, if you have to force someone into being your friend, it wont be a healthy relationship for either of you, and you may actually do further damage to your self-esteem, which you already describe as being shaky. Unfortunately, you may have to accept that he doesn’t want to be a part of your life right now, and you can’t make him change his mind.

That being said, I have two major suggestions. First, try to keep in mind that his non-responsiveness may not have anything to do with you. Perhaps he is uncomfortable with being friends with exes in general. Perhaps his new love interest is jealous. There are thousands of reasons why, and dwelling on the “why” of the situation will do more harm than good.

Focus on what I believe is the all-important background issue here: how you feel about yourself. You say that you do not love yourself a lot, and the first step towards being healthy and happy in general is trying to learn to love yourself. Have you spoken to friends about this, or perhaps even a professional? I can say as someone who has self-esteem issues of my own that talking through it can be a tremendous help, and that loving yourself makes it easier to accept the bad things life might throw at you. In the end, as sad as it may be to lose someone you cared about, you do not need his friendship to be happy. What any person needs to be happy is the ability to be kind to themselves, and to love themselves.

Morgan

Q. So I’m gonna drop some knowledge on ya. Please tell me what fuck I’m supposed to do cuz I’m lost. There are so many things wrong with the situation it’s ridiculous. I fell in love with a woman at work. At the time she was just a co-worker. But after the turn of unfortunate events, I got demoted and she became my boss. Now at this time we had been talkin, fuckin and fallin for about four months. Not only was she now my boss, but she is also involved with another guy at work who is her babydaddy whom she also lives with. So obviously we know nothing good can come of this situation, but we can’t seem to stop seeing each other. We tried and it lasted for all of a week before she was at my doorstep confessing how much she loves me and misses me. I am completely in love with this woman. I was so stoked that I made such an impact on her – that I actually had a woman love me as much as I loved her. A first for me.

I still work with them, see them both everyday, and nuthin is said. Then, one day, I get a Facebook message from her. It simply says “Hey.” I knew this was a spark. I havn’t been able to stop thinking about her since I first walked away. I know you always want what you can’t have, but I wanted her when I had her, and I still do – and still would if I had her. We’ve been talking everyday. She secretly texts me, and always makes sure she catches my eye, but never for more than four seconds. She drives me insane. I know I can’t have her, but I deeply love her. I want to move on, but then I don’t. I wanna hold onto the love I have for her, cuz its special even if I can’t have her. But then I wanna get rid of it cuz it hurts. So tell me what u got for me.

A. The mind and the heart are often at odds in situations like these. You are in a highly emotional state that prevents you from using sound judgment to make a rational decision. You know that your actions could have dire consequences for both of you, for your job security and possibly for your safety – yet you are compelled to continue playing with fire. The situation requires that you separate emotion from fact. That’s easier said than done however, but I think that I can shed some light on your situation. Here are some points that I would strongly suggest you give serious thought to:

1. Her child’s father will never be out of the picture. Even if, by some chance, the two of you got together, the relationship between the two of them will always exist, and it will most likely cause peril to your relationship with her due to the manner in which this affair was started.

2. You could lose your job if the situation gets ugly or goes public. The dynamic between you and your lover/boss alone is enough of an issue by itself! Add her baby’s father – who now knows you are sleeping with his “wife” and is also part of the workforce. This has the potential to become a scandal that could leave you all jobless.

3. It sounds like you have been hurt a lot in the past. I have a feeling that the danger, forbidden nature and excitement of this relationship, paired with the feeling of being wanted and loved appeals to you because of your previous experiences. Are you afraid to let this go because you do not think you can find love again? Your previous relationships in which you were cheated on may have left you feeling hurt and confused. This often affects a person’s self-esteem. Perhaps this is why you are clinging to such a negative situation?

4. You say you’re “completely in love with this woman.” But what do you love about this woman specifically? Are your feelings for her based on how she feels about you? Feeling important and loved by someone feels good. So does the initial passion felt between two new lovers – especially when you cannot have each other. Do not confuse this drama and excitement with being in love.

5. Does she truly love you? From the information you have given me, it sounds as if she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She lives with her baby’s father because it is a secure and stable situation, but continues to enjoy the excitement that comes from secretly flirting and communicating with you. This behavior is immature and does not reflect that of a person that knows what she wants.

My advice to you is to separate yourself from her physically as much as possible. Then you will have an easier time doing so emotionally. It sounds like you were already doing this until she resumed contact, which set you back, and into a whirlwind of emotion all over again. The affair you had with her may have been passionate, exciting and it obviously temporarily made you feel good about yourself, but when you look at the foundation it was built upon, coupled with her inability to separate herself from her baby’s father, there is little hope that anything good can come from it.

You deserve better. I wish you the very best in finding true love and that you make the right decision!

Fabrizia

Q. My girl is giving me a choice: get more ink or we’re through. I like her, but should do this? (From someone who thinks Radio is gorgeous.)

A. Firstly, no one should ever be able to dictate what you should or shouldn’t do – let alone when it involves YOUR body. As you are probably well aware, a tattoo is for life; the fact that she’s given you such an ultimatum to begin with should show you that she probably isn’t the one for you. Sorry mate!

Now, I understand you like her – well I guess you’d have to since you’re entertaining the idea of complying with her demand. However, I’m sure alarm bells are ringing somewhere. Listen to them. Being tattooed should be YOUR choice and your choice alone.

Furthermore, you should be with someone for who they are, and not try and change them in any way, shape or form. Lastly, walk into any tattoo studio and ask them the same question; I guarantee you’d be shown the door faster than you can say “flash art.”

Hope this helps you make the right choice!

Koshil
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Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls crack team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com