Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony1

by SG’s Team Agony

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I’m young, 18 years to be exact, and I was hoping that maybe you girls could give me some advice. Here’s the story…Earlier this year, around the middle of February, I started seeing this girl. We’d talked a few times before, and had gotten to know each other pretty well. She started coming over to where I live and we just hung out, played some games, and just bonded.

As you probably already figured out, we had feelings towards each other even though the relationship only lasted a little over a month. I was devastated. I tried to talk her out of it, but I couldn’t. I broke down and though three months passed, the feelings I had for her never left. I tried talking to her in July, only to find out that she hates me. So I stopped talking to her and attempted to block her out of my mind, but I couldn’t get her out of my mind either. These days, I’ve been thinking about her more and more, but she hates me and is now married. What would you do? Some advice would help, if you’re up to it. Sorry it was long and boring.

A. Honey, I know you’re hurtin’ and that she was your one true love, etc., but this is a dead end road. Accept that your relationship with her wasn’t meant to be and find yourself another sweetheart. Knowing that your better half has moved on and found a new object of affection when you haven’t is the worst feeling in the world, but it’s also something most of us have to go through at least one time in our lives. Make the best out of a bad situation by channeling your feelings towards something productive (take up photography, start a band, or whatever will distract you from self-destructive thinking). Rather than wallowing in self-pity, take comfort in the fact that, yes, this too shall pass. Good luck and remember that whoever she is, the girl ain’t worth it!

xoxo
Clio

Q. My wife and I have been married for nearly seven years. The first four and half were completely blissful. We had some challenges mainly around getting to spend enough time together as we both traveled extensively in our careers. Then, 2 1/2 years ago, my wife had an affair, which completely rocked my world. Instead of completely blaming her, I did my best to understand what I might have done that contributed to her infidelity. Not long after this, I lost my job as the economy worsened, but certainly my being uncomfortable with both of us traveling because of my distrust of her contributed to less than optimal work performance. Since then, I can’t seem to get over a grudge that I hold against her for wrecking our marriage. I’ve had two affairs of my own – I know, I know – goose and gander ain’t always right, but for whatever reason we can’t get back on track. I know it will never be the same, but when is it time to fish and when is it time to cut bait? The crazy thing? We still get along well and enjoy each other’s company, even though the spark is way gone. What to do?

A. This sounds like a very difficult crossroads for you. I will do the best I can to advise you, but I cannot tell you whether to stay or go. That is ultimately up to you, as you know yourself better than anyone else. But, hopefully, I can give you some things to consider and think about to help you make your decision.

The thing I strive for in my life is to be happy, whether it be in my career, how I spend my time or whom my partner is. I base my decisions on being happy as a long-term goal. For example, if I am in an unhappy relationship, I look at the distant future. Yes, breaking up will hurt at first and it would be easier to stay in the relationship short-term to avoid the initial pain. But, if I go through the temporary pain of breaking up with a partner, I know one day I will be happier than if I was still in the relationship. Sometimes living for the now doesn’t work and we have to make sacrifices for the bigger picture. Are you happy in this relationship? If not, can you see yourself ever being happy in this relationship again?

The big question is, can you forgive each other? You may want to forgive your wife, but do you think you can? Once trust is broken, respect often goes with it too and it can be hard to get those both back. It is really important to trust, love and respect your partner.

Building up trust again is very hard, and I think you would both need to feel stable to do this – to feel safe. It sounds like being away from each other so frequently may have contributed to the problems you are having. If you decide to keep trying at your relationship with your wife, maybe you could both consider other career options so you aren’t away from each other so frequently?

Is couples counseling or therapy an option? I know it can be expensive, but it’s worth exploring if you are both willing and want to make your relationship healthy again.

You mentioned the spark had gone, but that you get on well. Do you see your wife in a platonic way now? Would you be better suited as friends? Or can you perhaps explore why you have lost those sexual feelings towards her and see if you can work on being a sexual couple again?

In my opinion, if you are in a relationship that makes you unhappy for any reason and you cannot see that changing, I would advise you to make the break. Be single, and get to know and love yourself again. Do the things you enjoy and in time find a partner that will suit the you that you love and feel good about.

It can be very hard to break up with a partner you have been with for a long time, especially if you have made commitments. But we can do it and I would never advise someone to stay in a relationship they are unhappy in. It can sometimes be a huge relief leaving an unhealthy relationship and you may be surprised about how you feel, and wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

Well, whatever happens, I hope that you find happiness within yourself.

Love,
Sharyn
X

Q. I’ve always heard sex is great, girls feel a lot of pleasure and whatnot. But when I have sex all I feel is pain. I thought it might have been because my partner wasn’t doing it right, but I’ve been with several partners now and it still feels the same. I feel no pleasure at all, just pain, and all I want is for it to be over. What’s going on? I’m guessing something’s wrong, I just don’t know what.

A. Sex can be confusing and not as good as advertised for quite a while after you first start your sex life. If you are having sex problems, the first thing to do is to remain calm and optimistic – and go to a gynecologist.

There are a number of very treatable disorders and diseases that could be the cause of your painful sex life. For example, Urinary Tract Infections (they can go undetected for quite some time), Endometriosis (where the cells of the lining of the uterus grow outside the uterus, sometimes causing pelvic pain – and not just during intercourse), Ovarian Cysts (the pressure during sex evokes huge discomfort in women with these), and some STD’s – especially Chlamydia (an easily treatable disease that is just as easy to pick up) which can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (also very treatable).

Some conditions also overlap, going from the physiological to the psychological. Lack of lubrication for example, can be caused by a hormone imbalance or by psychological issues. So if your gynecologist can’t provide the answers you need, you may also want to consider some kind of emotional and/or sex therapy.

However, even if you’re physically and emotionally healthy, sex can be a very stressful event. It’s a strange myth that woman are easy to use. Maybe the movie business is to blame. On film, women always come easily – and always in synch with their partners. There’s little to accommodate real expectations in film or literature.

For many women it takes time and practice to be able to achieve pleasure from intercourse (and bear in mind that most women need additional stimulation to come). To compound the situation we often feel so much pressure to be perfect in the eyes of our partners that we won’t allow for ourselves to see that we are NOT having fun. This is okay too. But at some point we all get bored of games and want to get real in bed. Since it seems like you already at that point, here’s seven essential steps to discovering your own sexual pleasure:

• You have to masturbate. You need to learn how to push your own buttons the right way, before you can expect someone else to.
• Make sure your choice of partner and contraception is a good one. Do you feel safe? Emotionally and physically protected? If you don’t, this could be another source of tension. When you worry about disease, unplanned pregnancy, or whether you can trust the person you’re with, chances are you won’t enjoy the lovemaking at all.
• Life is all about timing. Make sure you’re in the mood, comfortable, not feeling pressured in anyway, and have had enough foreplay.
• Learn to communicate your needs without any shame. Ask your partner to change positions, tempo, ask for an oral sex intermission, ask for more, ask for gentle or harder. If your partner isn’t willing to cooperate with this, then it’s probably an indication that they’re not right for you.
• A little social lubrication goes a long way. Pass the KY.
• Feel the vibe. If intercourse and manual stimulation isn’t doing it for you, try using a Pocket Rocket on your clit while he’s inside you. A non-missionary position such as scissors will help send you both to the moon.
• Finally, chill out. Give yourself time. It you don’t, you’ll end up stressing, you’ll get tense, and it’ll be more likely to hurt.

Best,
Kikka

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls crack team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com