Sep 2010 13

by AJ Focht

School is back in session and this is your chance to grab that nerdy guy (or geeky girl) that you missed out on last year. But before you rush in head first there are a few things you should know.

While Bob Suicide has been helping all you geeks get down with the right look (and smell!), I thought I would go a step further and offer tips for those of you who are perhaps contemplating dating a nerd for the first time. First of all, bear in mind the rules and rituals of geek bonding are very different from those that apply when you’re dating a member of the general population. Nerds tend to be a bit more, let’s admit it, eccentric than, well, normal people. What makes us nerds so great is that we fully commit ourselves to a project, or video game, or whatever – in the extreme. This can also be a drawback if you are not well versed in the ways of nerdom. Some of our habits, hobbies, and even speech can come off wrong if you are not privy to the way of the nerd.

Here are five helpful tips to make sure that you and your nerd don’t have an epic fail:

First and foremost I warn you of 1337. Most everyone is versed in the basics of 1337 sp34k (pronounced leet speak), knowing things like: g2g, brb, afk, ttyl, etc. Nerds take 1337 to a whole new level. We punch in acronyms for everything and use Lol Catz speak as well. If you don’t understand what we are saying it can be a huge turn off. I personally know a female nerd who refused a second date when the guy asked what she meant by, “Halo thar.”

The second thing you must know is, our princess is in another castle.

This is just one of millions of quotes that your nerd may drop on you from out of no where. Nerds love there quotes and will use them whenever they feel the situation is right. Your nerd may yell out, “Nuke ’em Rico!” in the middle of the mall, be assured that this is not abnormal – unless it happens more than ten times a day (then you might have a case of geek Tourettes on your hands!). You will also be expected to know these seemingly random quotes and where they come from. If you don’t, they will end up keeping a running list of movies to show you and games you need to play.

[Yulia Suicide in Don’t Panic]

Just for caution sake never ask them any favor starting with: “Will you kindly…” and, don’t panic, but don’t forget the cake is always a lie.

Another thing to be cautious of is invisible trophies; by which I of course mean achievements. If your nerd is a gamer, which not all nerds are, they are likely an achievement whore (though they may never admit to it). We all get a sick sense of satisfaction when we get an achievement. Achievement scores are becoming more common on every platform. Just think of it as our way of showing off how much of a nerd we are. Whatever you do, don’t question our sanity if we spend two hours reloading the same save to complete the near impossible (this is actually perfectly normal – and acceptable – geek behavior).

I would recommend practicing staying up late on occasion. You don’t need to be up till 4:00 AM all the time (although your nerd might be), but you should be able to do it at least once a month. The reason being, nerds love midnight releases. The average person might catch a big blockbuster film at midnight but a nerd will catch that and five more before the next big opening night. We want to buy our movies, games, and books at midnight release parties. Most importantly, we will want to bring you with us. We also like to stay out after these midnight releases, typically to go grab late-night breakfast. If you can make these events it will make us all that happier (and more obliged to do “civilian” things with you).

I also feel the need to warn you, virtually all nerds are well versed in the ways of the Zombie Apocalypse. It would not be unusual for your nerd to ask you what your ZA escape plan is at any given moment. We want to know that you are ready to survive with us through the ZA. Also keep in mind, in the event of the ZA we will not hesitate to put a bullet between your eyes if you are bitten. It is our way of saying “I love you.”

Speaking of “I love you.” “I know,” is a perfectly legitimate response to, “I love you.” Han Solo used it and who are we to argue with Han Solo.

-So long, and thanks for all the fish.