Got Problems: Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Sharyn, Salome, and Rydell

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: Here’s my problem. Hoping for some advice. I’m 28, been out on my own for a while, and never had much problem talking to women in college, or high school. But now I find myself losing my confidence and having trouble speaking to women in general. It’s only started over the last few years.

I can carry on a conversation for a little while, and then I feel like I panic or have an anxiety attack and have to cut and run. Not sure why this is happening, or what could be causing it, but I’d like to see if anyone has any insight before I decide I need to see a therapist or get some anti-anxiety meds.

A: The first thing I do when trying to find the solution to a problem is look at the root cause. That way, when I understand where the problem is coming from, or why it is happening, I can take better informed steps to combat it. Start out by asking yourself the following:

• Does this happen with all women? Relations, elderly, young etc., or just with females that you could potentially have romantic or sexual encounters with?
• Are there any women you do feel comfortable with? Work colleagues, friends, family etc.? If so, why?
• At what point do you get anxious and want to cut and run? When there is a lull in the conversation? Does something happen to make you suddenly feel anxious? What is running through your mind?
• Have you had a bad experience, or several bad experiences when talking to women? What has happened in the past that might have brought this on? Has anyone said anything to you to make you feel anxious in the past?

If you have one of these experiences where you feel anxious when talking to a woman, make a note on paper of about happened (when you next get a chance). Write down who it was, where you were, how you felt, when you became anxious, etc., and see if you can notice any patterns.

Basically, what I am asking you to do is to pay attention to yourself and your thoughts. What is it you are scared of here? Once you realize what your fear is, you can work on confronting it.

I know when I am talking to someone that could be a potential mate I get nervous. I worry about what they think of me, and the way I look. I wonder if they think I’m boring, or they like me etc. Humans are very self-critical beings and we can often be a bit harsh on ourselves, especially after a few bad experiences. We can’t read the other persons mind, so we make assumptions, and often we can make negative assumptions when something doesn’t go as we hope.

Quite often the other person might feel the same.

We often struggle when we don’t feel like we are “good enough” for the other person, and as a result we put ourselves down. We all need to remember, you don’t need to be “as good as someone” to talk to them. And anyway, who is to say you aren’t good enough. We’re all people!

So now I have talked about looking at the problem, analyzing it and working it out, lets look at some steps at combating it.

• Remind yourself, this is just a conversation, and that you are worthy of having a conversation with anyone, including women. This is just a conversation.
• Don’t over analyze what the other person is thinking, because we more often than not guess it wrong. They are probably just enjoying some lighthearted conversation with you.
• Forget the fact that they are a woman, of course they are a woman, but so what? They are also human and equal to you.
• Don’t worry about what one person thinks of you. We don’t all gel and get on with everyone, but it’s okay – that’s life. There are plenty of people out there that will have the same interests as you, and communicate in the way you do. Don’t feel bad about yourself if one person doesn’t appear to appreciate your lifestyle or get you, because someone else will.
• Perhaps have a few conversation fillers up your sleeve, some jokes or interesting current events topics that are non offensive and accessible to all. That way you’ll have something to fall back on if you start to get extra nervous! Something you have recently watched or done perhaps.
• Confide in people you feel safe with and trust, and get some feedback from them. Perhaps they can give you more personal advice. Also, if you feel comfortable, they can practice with you and support you through it.
• Are there any social groups you could join? For a hobby you enjoy for example? If you enjoy films, consider going to a film club to meet like-minded people. That way you’ll all have a safe topic to talk about.

At the end of the day, have some more self worth and give your self some credit! And don’t worry about what others think. It is just conversation and it will pass.

Love,
Sharyn
X

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years. From the very beginning it was a mess. I was in a unhealthy relationship, and I met him when he started working with me. Instantly there were sparks I can’t even explain in words. I was so shocked by feeling those sparks for him that it gave me the guts to pack up and get away from the unhealthy relationship I was in.

I have been considering leaving a lot lately, but I don’t want to. I love him and his whole family out here. Him being upset at me not working is a big problem. He should love me for me, not my income. I would love him if he was a homeless, jobless mess, but he isn’t the same way. I don’t know what I should do. Should I run away now? Or should I stay and fight for us once again? How do I feel that spark again? Or have I just fallen out of love with him? Please help me because as these days wind on, I feel more and more disconnected.

A: You are right, this relationship is a mess. There are too many variables in your long history together for me to say, “Yes, try to save it,” or “No, pack it in.” I can however point out several problems that your letter indicates.

You said your previous relationship was unhealthy and this one doesn’t look a lot better. You can’t control what he does, but you do have the power to examine and change yourself, your attitudes, and your actions so that even if this relationship can’t be saved, the next one is healthier and happier. The red flags I see are: trust, insecurity, poor communication and unrealistic expectations.

Dealing with a lunatic ex is no fun, but if he told her that it’s over, there are two options: trust him and move on, or decide you don’t trust him and leave. This holds true in the past, present and future, by the way. You can’t stay in a relationship with no trust, because that nagging suspicion will never go away. It will eat away at you until your relationship is destroyed. If you felt you had a reason to not trust him, then you needed to address it with him immediately, clearly and honestly. Based on that conversation and his actions afterward, you would be faced with the same choice again: Trust him, or don’t. There’s no in between.

There’s a straightforward reason you always fight on Valentine’s Day. You’ve been with this guy for 4 years, but you’re still comparing yourself to his ex and how they celebrated the day. Yet he didn’t go back to her even when you pushed him. Adults don’t “test” their partners. You may have a reason to feel insecure in this relationship, but that insecurity won’t go away on its own or be solved with a repeat of a passive-aggressive fight you’ve had every year. As with your trust issues, you have to confront the problem head on. Ask him why he doesn’t celebrate the day with you. Maybe his crazy ex made the holiday so unbearable the whole thing left a bad taste in his mouth. There could be perfectly legitimate reasons he doesn’t give you a gift each February, but you’ll never know until you ask. Then you have to trust him, or don’t.

Both of you need to manage your expectations of each other and not set your partner up to fail. It’s unrealistic to buy him a gift, again, only to throw it away, again, and expect a result any different from previous years. Likewise, if you are doing your damnedest to find a job, it’s unrealistic for him to expect you to come up with one today. It’s hard out there.

From what you say it sounds like he’s very hung up on his partner’s employment status, which I don’t understand. There’s something more happening here and you have to find out what it is if you want to try to save your relationship. And if you haven’t yet figured out how I suggest doing that, I’ll lay it out for you: Talk to him – communicate with each other. Nothing else will get fixed if you can’t even be honest and open with each other. This is how you fix the mess, and how you get the spark back.

You’ve got some difficult conversations ahead of you, but if you have them you – and probably your relationship – will be much improved.

Good luck. 🙂

Salome

Q: I work at a homeless shelter as a resident advocate (basically, I walk the floors and try to keep a lid on chaos, help the residents with whatever I can, and dispense care and advice). Our shelter has had a series of different directors lately, and our current interim director is terrible. She’s always been one to enjoy the power her position wields her a little too much, even when she was an R.A. just like me, and now that she has more power than ever, she’s certainly exerting it. Unfortunately, she’s using it in a way that is upsetting everyone – residents and staff alike. Some of the things she’s been doing are borderline criminal, like trying to kick out a mother with an 18-month old baby for getting in a fight when she was in fact trying to walk away from one.

Thanks, Conflicted

A: Having friends in the same industry as yourself and knowing the struggles they have with working 24/7 over time and the stresses it can cause on you, I would say that it is wonderful you want to make the necessary changes to make things better where you are working. But, as you are aware, you need to ask yourself if it is something you can keep up with long term. If not, then maybe you are not suited to that particular position.

Since you don’t see the interim director doing a proper job, try bringing your concerns to the attention of someone above her. Most shelters have strict guidelines in place for how their employees should conduct themselves. Ultimately, disciplinary action may need to be taken. If that’s not an option with your shelter at this point, maybe you can try other ways of helping. Be supportive and don’t try to undermine her, but, when you do witness to some of this stuff, keep a log of it that can be used when it is time to take action.

At the end of the day, you have to put what’s right for you above the needs of your work place. If you feel you are not suited for the shelter manager job, then I say don’t take it on. As much as you want to make change for the better, there are other ways you can help. If an employee isn’t doing a good job eventually it will catch up with them. And if you aren’t taking the job for the right reasons it will catch up with you as well.

If you feel you can keep up and make the changes you want to see happen, then by all means apply for it and do the best job you can possibly do. I’m sure it will be hectic and take a lot of your time, but, if you love what you do, you will find room to squeeze in the other stuff in your life.

Hope that gave you a few things to ponder over.

Good luck!!

Rydell

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls crack team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com