Got Problems: Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony1

By SG’s Team Agony feat. Noir and Dorsal

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’m recently divorced (she rediscovered her Christian side after 10+ years, ergo boom!), and I really want to change the relationships in my life (open things, polyamory, etc). The problem is I began going out again with someone 6 months after the divorce, and we spoke very clearly about this being a fling for both of us (me getting back in the game, she coming off a bad relationship). All well and good. But, we lasted a lot longer than expected, more than a year, and she started trying for the whole white picket-fence package. Job loss and my move to Europe intervened. Now I’ve got a chance to get involved with someone else, but the problem is that someone wants to be serious too. My question is: What do I need to change to attract less conventional women? I refuse to play with someone’s feelings (and life plan) just to get my kicks, but I don’t really understand why the only girls I get close to are the traditional type. Thx in advance for the help!

A. I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. What a shock it must have been to invest so much time into your wife only to find out she wasn’t at all who you (or she) thought she was. That would definitely make me think twice before getting too seriously involved with someone new. If you haven’t already, I recommend seeing a therapist about any unresolved feelings surrounding your divorce. Even if you decide that polyamory or other forms of non-traditional relationships are more your style, working with the right therapist will ensure you have the best chance of healing yourself, giving you the best chance for success and happiness in your future relationships.

When choosing a therapist, search for one who specializes in divorce and is open to alternative lifestyles. A quick search on Google led me to Loving More, which has a list of professionals by state who won’t judge you for your lifestyle. Even if you don’t go with any of the people on that website, it might serve as a starting point. Call and talk to therapists who interest you to get a better feel for them and see how you interact. A lot of them will offer free consultations. If a therapist isn’t exactly what you’re looking for – for instance, if you prefer a male therapist to a female one or you want someone closer to you – ask him or her for recommendations for someone who fits your criteria.

Now, for meeting people who are into non-conventional lifestyles:

If you are a member of the site, check out the Poly Group here on SG. The group is a mix of poly-curious folks and people who have lived the lifestyle for years. They have excellent advice for any questions you may have. One particularly relevant thread, Where to meet new people?, offers several suggestions, including the poly section of OKCupid. Craigslist also has subsections in their personals section for “Casual Romance” and “Misc. Romance.” FetLife is a site catering to kinksters of every type. You’d be hard-pressed to not find some like-minded folk there. And finally there’s a great site called Poly-Friendly Professionals, where like-minded souls can meet up. Of course, when meeting anyone off the internet, take precautions and use common sense.

If meeting people over the internet isn’t your thing, try hanging out in places that attract the alternative crowd. Join groups for people who share your hobbies and interests, go to tattoo or comic book conventions, visit gaming stores, hit up the renaissance faire, go to concerts for your favorite bands, etc. Basically, get out there and start meeting people. The more people you meet, the better chance you have of finding the type of person you’re looking for.

If you do decide that non-monogamy is really for you, make sure you aren’t giving the women you are seeing mixed signals. You can say you just want a fling until you’re blue in the face, but if you’re seeing the same woman exclusively for a whole year, your actions aren’t matching your words. People say a lot of things about themselves, but what really matters is what you do. Assess what you’re actually doing, and make sure you’re not leading anyone on through your actions, not just your words. Again, a therapist can really help you in that area.

Finally, some people will take a statement like “I don’t want anything serious” as a challenge. Learn to recognize those people quickly and move on.

Good luck with your new adventures!

Yours in Agony,
Noir

Q: I’m a 38-year old male that spent 16 hard years in the Army as a combat medic. I was involved in an improvised explosive device / rocket-propelled grenade attack back in ’07 and was injured. I ended up with shrapnel in my back, and some major scarring. Every time it seems that I get into a relationship after things have gone great, they become problematic when things turn sexual. It seems like things spiral downwards after my partners feel the scarring on my back. Either during or after sex they start asking what happened to my back, and most of the time I kinda breakdown and try to explain what had happened to me; How my Humvee was blown in half, killing two good friends, me getting thrown 30ft from the vehicle, injured but not knowing it because of shock, and then fighting for my life. What I don’t understand is why when they see the scars, it’s usually the end of the relationship. Am I so broken that I will never find love? What can I do to try and keep someone? I don’t even know if you can help or would want to, I’m just getting fed up with it all and am coming to my wit’s end. I hope that you can help. I just want an honest opinion from a female that won’t judge me for what I’ve done in my life to get hurt.

Thanx & hope to hear from you soon.

A. To start off with, thank you so very much for your service of 16 years. Not only have you sacrificed your life, but also time away from your family to make sure we as Americans were able to sleep safely at night.

If a girl really loves you, and enjoys your company, she wouldn’t care about what type of scars or “imperfections” you may have – no matter how serious they are. And they should feel honored that you feel comfortable enough with them to share your very personal survival story. If they’re put off by the scars or the story, that doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Something is clearly wrong with THEM. If they are so into the vision of perfection, then they will never find true love.

I have noticeable scars on my neck from having tuberculosis as a child. I was on medication for two years of my life, from age 2 to 4 years old, and was cured in 1987. Later on when I was in high school I started to date around, and I became very self-conscious of my scars. I would wear my hair in front of my face, and never had my hair up in a pony tail. I was always trying to hide them. It got me really depressed. People would always ask me what happened to my neck, even make up stories that I was stabbed, tried to kill myself, or was burned in a fire. So when I would start dating a guy I would just tell them about my story before they asked. As I got older, I realized if a person really loves me, they wouldn’t care about my scars. Besides, I want someone to love me for what’s on the inside.

Something that may help you also, is bringing to light your story – and the scars on your back as well – prior to sexual activity. Maybe joke a little about it – you want to compare scars? – so that the mood isn’t so deep, and any revelation is softened. It creates a lighter, more comfortable environment. Maybe the girl might tell you something personal about her that makes her a little self-conscious, and the two of you will end up feeling even closer before the sex happens – which can only be a good thing.

Please don’t lose faith in love. You are not “broken.” Just keep on being the same awesome self that you are. And if girls can’t accept you for who you are, it’s their loss. There IS a girl out there for you. You just haven’t found her yet. Sometimes the best things are worth waiting for. You can always message me on my page if you ever want to vent. I’m always here and am happy to listen:)

Best wishes!

Dorsal

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls crack team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com