Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony2

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Smythe, Leandra, and Casca

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have a hell of an issue. I am engaged to be married in June of next year. I love my fiancé and he’s my best friend, but I have some internal conflicts that are itching at me.

Second, I do not consider myself straight. I am sexually attracted to women too, but I am not interested in looking for relationships with women. I’ve had urges to go to gay clubs and enjoy myself and meet some females. My fiancé knows this and wants me to do what makes me happy, but to me this is cheating, even when this is approved by him. Is it bad to want to want to drift to the opposite sex for a fun time and then return back home for comfort and love? How do I satisfy him and myself?

A: You’ve definitely got more than one problem to tackle, but the heart of your issue lies with the confusion you have surrounding your ideas about fidelity, cheating, honesty and how to be faithful.

First and foremost, you’ve got to be faithful to yourself. Two years is a long time to feel that you’re not getting what you need. Your fiancé knows you need more than he can give you right now. You allude to the possibility that getting with a woman might be what you need to get your desire back, but there is a fear that you can’t do that. Is there a reason you feel that way? I look at cheating as lying, but if he knows and is okay with it, then there’s no dishonesty in play.

As with anything, there is more than one way to look at a situation. One school of thought sys that sexual monogamy is the only way a couple can be faithful to one another. Others consider that sexual and emotional monogamy do not equate to fidelity. Every relationship is different, so you and your fiancé need to figure out where your boundaries are. It’s not that uncommon for one partner to see other people, while the other does not.

A good sex life is an important part of a relationship. Look at the last two years you’ve spent together; has your relationship been all rainbows and daisies, or has it been a little shitty? Good sex makes a good relationship awesome, no sex makes a good relationship alright and a bad one utterly untenable.

You also need to figure out how much the lack of sex is affecting you as an individual, since it seems to be causing you to be depressed. Depression, in turn, is hard on relationships, especially if the relationship is at the root of it.

Sometimes best friends simply don’t make the best husbands. Own up to your own desires and have an honest conversation with your partner about it. Determine what you both are comfortable with and move on or move out.

Smythe

Q: I have a problem with depression and also have self-esteem issues. I used to cut my problems away, but now I drink to drown my thoughts of the family problems that consume my life – that’s when I’m not working or stressing over school. I feel fat and hideous every time I look in the mirror, and it gets so bad that I don’t even do my make up or wear cute clothes because I don’t want to see disappointment staring at me.

A: It sounds like you’re in an emotionally and mentally bad place right now, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You’re not alone in feeling like this however – please remember that!

I also used to try and cut my problems away. I look at self-harm as an addiction. One of the reasons I haven’t done it in so long is admitting that that is the case, using will power to stop myself, and seeking professional help. It feels like such a taboo subject and can be hard to talk about openly. I wish more people would speak up about depression, self-harm and mental illness.

Now it appears your addictive tendencies have moved on from cutting to alcohol instead, but I think it needs to be treated the same way. You need to get to the core of what is affecting you so negatively, where the problem lies. You mention issues with family, school, and your appearance/weight, which all need to be explored and understood before you can move onwards and upwards..

I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad about yourself. Please remember you’re beautiful. Everyone is beautiful in some way, I really believe that. The best and only real advice I can give you is to seek help. Please. Going to see a therapist is a great start. There are also many support groups not only for those who have problems with drinking, but that will also specifically help with your body dismorphia and compulsions to self harm. I know a lot of people, including myself, who have found it extremely helpful to talk to someone non-judgmental who can help you figure out your emotions and thoughts.

I hope you start to feel better about things soon!

Leandra
xxx

Q: My best friend is female, as are the majority of friends I have. On a social level, talking to women, being around them, relating with them is not a problem at all. When it comes to dating and romance I’m really “old school” about it. It’s been amazingly difficult to find a women interested in even a simple date because, with the way things have moved on, EVERYONE is looking for only physical relationships.

I’m not sure if I’ve just been living in the wrong parts of the world or if I’m behind on the times. It just seems like my idea of how to be successful in finding and keeping a relationship is still stuck in the 1920s. Should I be looking for more physical relationships now, and not an emotional connection, or is there a certain country, state, or city out there I should be moving to where my methods would be more sought out and appreciated? I’m 22, a few months to 23, but I’d think by now I should at least see some glimmer of where I should be romance-wise.

A: First off I’d like to say that I think it is great that you are looking for a fulfilling relationship rather than just pulling someone in a club for a one night stand (not that there is anything wrong with that).

Without having more information, I think that you might have better luck meeting women in a different environment. Are there any activities you are interested in like art, music or wine tasting? Try to find somewhere where you can meet women in a slower paced environment. I say this because meeting someone in a setting where you can take your time to talk to them, see them on a regular basis, and really get to know them might help a relationship blossom, and you could get to the going out for a meal and a movie part as the relationship progresses.

I think something you also have to consider is that most women your age tend to be quite fun loving and independent, so you might find it hard to find someone who wants to be courted first. I’m sure that there are lots of women out there though who are looking for some romance. Sometimes you find love in the most random of places, like in the library, or, like in my case, on an art course.

Please don’t give up and good luck.

Casca
xx

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ crack team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com