Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0
Posted In All Things SG,Blog,Love,Relationships,Sex,Society
by SG’s Team Agony feat. Charley, Fabrizia, and Morgan
Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.
Q: I met a wonderful woman and love her very much. But, at the time of our meeting and for the first few years of our relationship, I was dealing with feelings of worthlessness, which led to a type of sexual addiction. I realize now because of all the sex addiction reality shows. I basically kept seeking sexual conquests to prove my own self worth. Never really realizing sex didn’t make you valuable to anyone. I wasn’t loyal. And she caught me in video chat mutual masturbation with an ex-girl friend during her pregnancy.
A year ago she decided to end our engagement and take our now 2-year old son, using the sins of my past, 4 years earlier as an excuse. She did this while I was in hospital suffering a Multiple Sclerosis exacerbation and using the last of my savings to keep our apartment. This caused a lot of ill will with my family.
We agreed on joint custody, 3.5 days each, and entered a purely sexual relationship. After nine months of this arrangement and being told over and over again that I should find someone, I did. When she found out she became enraged, and during a drunken night of sex she called the new girl and had her listen to us having sex, ending the new relationship. She claimed that I betrayed her again, although for 9 months she had told me to pursue other women. When I mentioned this, her response was that we were still having sex. Yes, but she was telling me to pursue a real relationship with someone else at the same time.
We continued to have sex on days when our son was with his grandparents, and purchased several sex toys and videos for our entertainment. I am on permanent Social Security Disability, so these purchases where a slight economic burden, but I wanted to maintain some relationship with her. I still really do love her, and I wish I had been able to see my problems before we met. I blame myself for what happened. I want to know if I should still pursue relations with her in hopes that we will reconcile – or if this is a fool’s dream?
Our son is almost 3 now, and I don’t want him to be the silent victim of his messed up parents.
A: You say you blame yourself for what happened between you and this woman, but your remorse doesn’t come across maybe as much as you would like. There is an undercurrent of blame being directed at your ex partner, for leaving you, for making you have to buy expensive sex toys (I’m sorry but that’s kind of ridiculous), and for her part in finishing what sounds like another unhealthy relationship.
You seem surprised that she left you in the first place, but time does not heal all wounds and it sounds like your inability to be loyal carried over into your next relationship and wasn’t just part of what you have with the mother of your child. The fact that she was your ex does not make it somehow exempt from being infidelity, obviously this other woman agreed! Your issues with sex – and sex addiction – are not in the past, they are very much active. Have you sought professional help for this? Sex Addicts Anonymous could be a good place to start. When any addiction gets to the stage where it’s ruining your life, and the lives of those around you, it’s time to seek help.
I’m sorry you have health problems and issues with your self-esteem. You seem aware that this whole scenario is wrong and unhealthy, especially for your child. I just wonder if you’re really taking responsibility for your own actions? Self-examination is horrible, but in order to really get past this you need to take full responsibility for every aspect of your life. Both of you need to move forward and get help, whether that’s together or separately.
It does sound like, at this stage, the blame and game-playing cycle will be hard to break. It’s up to you both to consider your child and act as parents, together, to protect him from this destructive pattern you are both locked into. Putting him above your own needs should be your priority, no matter how hard that is. Maybe with help you can work on having a healthier relationship and be a family.
Best of luck.
Q: Recently I have found myself in a comfortable relationship with someone who I’m close to trusting. However, when we went to have sex (numerous times), it wouldn’t fit. I have nothing wrong with me psychically, so it must be psychological. I must be subconsciously tensing. It’s really, really annoying because I so actually really want to have sex with him.
This has been just another symptom in a long line of being uncomfortable with my sexuality. I’ve always been open minded about sex, and sexual activities, however after every sexual act I have preformed/taken part in I’ve felt guilty and shamed. I feel even more ashamed when I’m the receiver or when I achieve orgasm. I don’t think it’s because I’m ashamed of sex, or sexual acts, I think it’s more to do with me being ashamed of myself. I also hate being naked and feel so trapped in my own skin so I’m unable to let loose when it comes to anything sexual. I want to be more free and accepting of my sexuality instead of ashamed.
Is there any way I can become more comfortable with myself and with my sexuality? I know it’s not a problem that can get solved overnight, but I don’t know where to start.
A: First of all, I want to extend my deepest sympathies to you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, and I hope I can help. It takes a lot of guts to come forward and ask for help – especially concerning such a deeply personal issue. Congratulations on taking a step in the right direction.
Sexual issues can be complicated. It sounds like you realize that your problems are psychologically rooted. Your body image and self-esteem seem to be the biggest contributing factors here. You deserve to experience a fulfilling, enjoyable sex life. I think that self-acceptance and self-love will play a major role in changing things for you. You should never feel guilty about experiencing pleasure, or feel bad about who you are.
Here are some questions you might want to ask yourself. When did you first feel ashamed of your body? What was your introduction to sex? Were your parents open and approachable when it came to body issues and talking about sex, or were you raised in a very strict household? Many times, a traumatic or embarrassing moment in your life can cause you to put your defenses up in order to avoid getting hurt or humiliated. It isn’t your fault. Perhaps figuring out how this began will lead you towards a better outlook.
Have you discussed these problems with your partner? My advice to you is to have an honest conversation about it. Also, be patient with yourself. You should not pressure yourself to change overnight, or be someone you’re not. You’re not a light switch! Give yourself a break and just practice being in the moment. This might sound silly, but try being naked in front of a mirror when you’re alone. Also try pleasuring yourself (either with your hands or a vibrator) on your own. Get used to your body and how it works, and enjoy it. Getting acquainted and comfortable with yourself is important if you’re going to be comfortable with anyone else.
Another tip: when you are with your partner, don’t try. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. I suspect that when you’re feeling out of control that it makes you panic, and you shut down. Finally, realize that if your partner is enjoying your body, that you should be proud and enjoy it too! Oh, and if your partner is not being supportive, then ditch them and find someone better!
I wish the best for you and want you to know that you deserve happiness!
With love,
Fabrizia
Q: Nine months ago I moved to a new country for school. After just a month into this new life, I met my neighbor at a gig and pretty much fell for him in a few minutes. We started dating the next day and things got pretty serious quite quickly, although I knew from the beginning that he was coming from a five-year relationship and a broken (by him) engagement. After the whole break up deal, he had gotten into some sort of life crisis and started questioning his sexual orientation, among other things.
I knew all these details and some more from the very beginning, but decided to go for it anyway. Things were good for the first month but then he suddenly confessed that his sexual confusion was still bothering him on a daily basis, especially at work. It was quite tough on me, and also hard to understand since our sex life had been just fine after an awkward (but quite normal) start. I convinced myself that his problems were not that bad, and that I could deal with them, and decided against ending the relationship.
Since then he has been through some weird episodes and there have been occasions when I have seriously questioned his mental health and urged him to seek professional help. He has seen some sort of therapist, but not a highly professional one (in my opinion). He’s not abusive or anything like that, he just freaks out and gets really anxious or paranoid in some situations, though I often succeed in snapping him out of it.
I am younger than him and in a quite different phase of my life, and, as much as I like him, I know that there is something unhealthy about me putting up with his behavior. Sometimes I feel extremely consumed by this relationship and think that my presence in his life is probably preventing him from dealing with his own issues. I also realize how I have been perhaps using him to avoid facing up to the challenge of getting accustomed to a new place and situation.
Some of my friends think I should run away from him as fast as I can, while others find his quirks entertaining. He’s really sweet and caring, and we mostly enjoy our time together, but still I feel quite worn out by the space his issues take up in this relationship. I think I am probably far too young to deal with this situation, but my old soul kind of enjoys a challenge.
Some days I feel trapped and say to myself that I can’t take it anymore, while other days I think of it as something that will eventually end, but not just yet.
Any thoughts or suggestions?
Cheers, G.
A: I empathized with you reading this letter. It sounds like your boyfriend, while a good partner, deals with a lot of anxiety.
I am someone who deals with anxiety myself, and I know it isn’t easy to be the partner of someone with anxiety issues. It sounds like you’re struggling trying to figure out whether or not you want to stay in this relationship, and it’s completely valid that this situation is stressful for you. While I can’t tell you whether or not you should stay or go, I can give you some suggestions.
First and most importantly, tell your boyfriend how you feel and what you need from this relationship. Don’t phrase this as a criticism of him or as an ultimatum. Try using “I” statements (for example, “I feel _____ when ____ happens”) and tell him pretty much what you wrote in this letter: that you really care about him, but that his anxiety/paranoia can be very stressful for you too.
If you want to maintain this relationship, you can simply tell him that you’re having a talk with him because you want things to work between you, and that you feel that if these issues were dealt with you would both be happier. Trust me, if his current therapy for anxiety isn’t working, he wants it to get better too!
There are two things I would suggest you should avoid mentioning during this conversation however: your feeling that his therapist isn’t professional, and his sexuality. Since you aren’t the one talking to his therapist, you really can’t know how it’s working for him, though you can certainly ask him whether he feels it’s going well. As for his sexuality, I’d basically not bring it up with regards to this greater issue, because honestly it does not seem to be the most relevant piece of the puzzle for you.
It might also be helpful for you to search for some resources for yourself. Look online for a place to vent, or maybe even find a counselor of your own. Couples counseling could also be a great help, providing a safe place to talk through your issues with someone who’s trained as a mediator.
This is all assuming you want to stay in the relationship. If you feel that you aren’t happy in this relationship, or that it just isn’t worth it to you, you’d be doing your boyfriend a favor by breaking it off with him. Don’t stay just because you feel you should, or if you feel you just aren’t ready to deal with this right now!
Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com
