Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony1

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Bailey and Tekky

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: Last year I was sexually assaulted on a date. I really want to start dating again but I’m so scared that it is going to happen again. This fear has kept me from dating, yet alone spending any alone time the opposite sex. And to make this whole thing worse, I was never sexually active before I was assaulted and now I just don’t know what to do. I would some advice, thanks.

A: I am sorry such a horrible thing happened to you. I think that it’s great you are ready and want to start dating again. The most important thing for you to do right now is to see a trauma counselor or therapist to help you deal with the feelings and emotions surrounding your sexual assault. You may be feeling strong and ready to begin dating again, but the effects of such traumas have a sneaky way of showing themselves weeks, months, and years after the initial assault. Since I do not know what country you are living in, the best advice I can give you if you need help finding someone to talk with is to make an appointment with your doctor and ask for him/her to recommend someone to you. Counselors and therapist are trained in dealing with these issues, your friends are not. While your friends know you well and can talk with you about this, it is CRITICAL for you speak with a professional. Please, please, please.

As for the dating, do everything you would normally do, but slower and safer while getting to know each other. Have your dates in public places, with lots of people around. Meet your date at the location, and leave your date there. Limit your drinking, so you can make the best decisions. With this being said, not every person you date is going to sexually assault you. These steps are to insure that you are comfortable with your date before you are alone with them. Listen to your gut. If you are feeling intimidated with someone after several dates, you will be less likely to speak up for yourself when you are uncomfortable. You said you haven’t been spending time alone with the opposite sex, so try to do some of that too. Pick a friend you trust, and do some solid hang out time. A strong, safe and fun opposite sex influence in your life will help you to get past this, and you will get past this.

Good luck and Godspeed.

Bailey

Q: Hey, I need some advice. I am really very depressed lately. Nothing seems to work out. Everything just is messed up and I feel like it’s hopeless. I even feel like giving up. Can you give me some advice on how to not be so depressed or any tips that could motivate me to be strong?

A: Hey there, I’m actually really glad I was chosen to answer your letter, since this is something that hits close to home with me. I have been in your position before – and, trust me, A LOT of people have. It’s very easy to think that you’re stuck, lost, or alone. People don’t understand what real depression is unless they’ve experienced it firsthand – and unfortunately it’s not something that people are generally excited to share stories about.

First off, I want to tell you that if you get anything at all out of this, let it be to NEVER GIVE UP. Never, ever. Even when it seems like you fell off the “my-life-is-bullshit” tree, hit every branch on the way down, and then landed in a giant pile of fail. There is never a reason to pick up the Life board, throw it against the wall, and scream “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!” See where I’m going with this?

In my own experience, the best thing I have found to pick me up when I’m down is to surround myself with my favorite “little things.” Throw on your favorite movie from when you were little. Listen to a band you were totally nuts over in high school. Go to the supermarket and pick out your ultimate junk food craving. Even watch videos of babies laughing on YouTube! When you immerse yourself in things that make you happy that you have control over, the things you can’t control won’t seem so overwhelming.

The big trick is to change your focus. What sounds like a better idea if you’re bummed out over something: sitting alone in your room, dwelling over it, or throwing on a cute outfit and going for a walk to soak up some of that “outside” everyone keeps talking about? A simple walk down the street can do wonders for your mood. It clears your mind, and allows you to think more rationally.

Of course another great help is friends. In person, on the phone, online, BFFs, or random internet strangers…just talking to someone about what’s bothering you helps. More often than not, an outsider’s point of view might give you an entirely different outlook on the problem! There is even a group on SG focused solely on depression, where members share their stories, and help one another. It’s a great group, and I highly recommend checking it out if you’re a member. If you aren’t, there are literally dozens of online forums and groups filled with people who want to share and help out when someone is feeling helpless.

I strongly believe that everything DOES happen for a reason. Get fired? You’ll end up with an even better job. Get dumped? The perfect guy has been waiting for you to become available. Even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time (and it rarely does), bad things happen to us to give us the opportunity to overcome it and be stronger for whatever comes at us in the future.

If none of the above works, seeking a professional to talk to isn’t nearly as weird or scary as people might think. They’re professionals for a reason, and millions have been helped.

Things never magically improve overnight, but if you work at being happy with yourself (you wonderful thing, you) despite all the crap that’s being thrown at you, and believe that you’ll come out the other end better than ever, you completely 100% will! The best part is, when you’re rocking your new awesome view of the world, you’ll look back and wonder what the big deal was.

I genuinely hope you found some of this advice helpful. Everything I’ve mentioned is tried, tested and true, firsthand! One last thing: go look in the mirror, and smile. You’ll be okay. I promise 🙂

~Tekky

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com