Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0
Posted In All Things SG,Blog,Love,Relationships,Sex,Society
by SG’s Team Agony feat. Salome, Dorsal, and Morgan
Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.
Q: I am 25 years of age. When I was 18 I used to be the kid that played every sport you can imagine. I was not a jock though. I never made fun of kids. In fact I would get along with everyone – skaters, stoners, gangbangers, etc. At 18 I had a chance to play college basketball and I went to get a physical. I complained I had a little pain in my back when I ran and so forth, so the doctor suggested I get an X-ray. I come to found out I have Scheuermann’s disease and spinal stenosis. The first thing I said was, “Can I still play ball?” The doctor said “no” because if I took too hard of a hit I could get paralyzed. I said, “Well shit you that just ruined my life.” The doctor also told me he couldn’t perform surgery because it would just make it worse.
I had to start taking pain meds, and they seemed to mess up my system. I won’t go into detail because it’s not very fun to be honest, and I do not want to gross you out. Let’s be honest, me telling this story is kinda hard…My point is, I ended up having a surgery where I have a bag on my stomach. Now the real question is this: How the hell am I going to get a girl with this on me?
I have not taken a date in over a year. I have had no sex in over a year, just for the fact I don’t want to make a girl uncomfortable. I know I could be the greedy guy and not tell her at all and just pray she doesn’t notice in the dark, but I am really not like that. The other question is, should I just be upfront with the girl on the first date and tell her all this? If I do, it seems like too much info. But then after the first date, what happens if we really hit it off? I’d feel like I would be letting her down if I told her on the second date and she wasn’t chill with it.
I’m in a catch 22 here ladies. I have thought about this for a long time. Hope you can go ahead and give me an answer. I really want a girl’s point of view.
A: First off, I am really sorry to hear about your health issues and I hope that you are doing as well as you possibly could be. It must have been devastating to learn that you could no longer do sports, which played a big role in your life and made up a large part of your identity. It sounds like you also had severe complications from the pain medication, which left you with what seems like irreversible damage.
If it makes you feel any better, I can understand a little bit of where you’re coming from: Late last year I also had some medical complications that left me with an external drain in my abdomen, though mine was temporary. I don’t know about you, but I felt like Frankenstein with that damned thing hanging out of me. I think I can understand why you feel so doomed dating wise, because something like that is not pretty or fun, and it’s so alien and bizarre it’s always at the forefront of your consciousness. But I want you to know that your medical condition does not mean the death of your love life.
Your mom has said it, your dad has said it, your friends have all said it, but it’s true so I’m going to say it again: Any girl who won’t date you JUST because of this bag on your stomach is a shitty person and not worth dating. Let’s just take that as a given.
When you tell a girl about the bag (and the rest of your medical condition) depends on a couple of things. You are right that you can’t get a girl in the sack and hope she doesn’t notice: A) she’ll notice, and B) even if you’re looking for a one night stand a sexual partner deserves your candor.
How are you meeting these girls? If you meet them through friends I’d suspect they would have prepped the girl already. But let’s say for the sake of argument that you’re meeting them at a bar or from a dating site and they know hardly anything about you before you meet them for your first date. At some logical point in the conversation, mention that you have a permanent medical condition. For example if she mentions sports, you could say you used to play but you had to stop because of a degenerative spinal condition. You don’t have to spill every gory detail up front, but answer any questions she asks honestly even if you feel like it’s “too much” on the first date. Personally, I’d rather find out “too much” on the first date than later feel like I’ve been misled or lied to.
It’s possible she may say nothing to that. Don’t necessarily take it as a sign of rejection. She may be afraid that asking questions will come off as nosy, prying or insensitive. Move on to a different subject and bring the topic up again another time. However, this subject should definitely be broached long before you start to think about getting any action.
More important than her attitude with regards to the bag is YOUR attitude towards it. If you don’t make a huge deal about the bag, she won’t either. Really, this isn’t about what exactly you say about the bag and when exactly you say it. You are more than the bag. You are more than a-guy-who-used-to-play-sports-but-doesn’t-anymore-because-of-this-freakish-appendage, and you should show your dates that.
If you define yourself by the bag, then you give yourself nothing to be happy about, nothing to offer a potential partner. I’d venture to guess that a woman worth dating isn’t interested in perfect health or looks from a partner, but rather someone comfortable in himself that’s fun to be around.
What have you been up to since your diagnosis and surgery? What have you been doing for work, if you can work, or for fun? Can you still involve yourself in sports in some way, perhaps by coaching or assistant coaching, writing about sports for your local or college paper, or something of that sort? Your condition doesn’t have to kill your old life, everything you were and everything you loved to do. If you show her what a great guy you are, your bag will hardly matter.
I wish you good health and the best of luck. 🙂
Q: I broke with my boyfriend a week ago. He was not committed to anything and I wanted to test him. He became so angry that he got a new girlfriend to make me angry too. Now he’s asking for forgiveness and tells me he wants me back. It’s stupid, I know, but I love him. We began our relationship when I was five months pregnant. He has been a very special person in my life. What should I do? I’m so depressed that I do not see things in perspective.
A: If you feel he isn’t ready to commit to a relationship you should take some time apart and truly think about what you want in life. You’ve not only got to think of yourself now, but your child as well. Do what you feel is best for your child. If he is wanting to get revenge by getting a new girlfriend, that’s an environment you probably wouldn’t want your baby being exposed to. I don’t know how far you are in your pregnancy now, or if you have already given birth, or if he is the father of your child. But my best advice is to put your baby first.
Take a break so you can get yourself together. If he is truly sorry, he will wait. Right now, if he wants to be in both of your lives, he has to really prove himself to you, and some time apart will give him the opportunity to do this. There comes a time when games get old, and he needs to learn he has to stop all that nonsense. You can love a person as much as you want, and if he feels the same way then true love waits. Focus on your baby for now and you will be just fine.
Best of luck!
Q: First of all I wanted to thank you for Suicide Girls. I just love you and hope to be part of you someday soon. On the other hand, there are two issues I wanted you to advise me on:
1. Most of the times when I go to bed to sleep at night I get insomnia and my genitals start hurting asking for sex, so I have to take out my vibrator and start masturbating. (I live with my mom so having sex with my boyfriend isn’t an option.) For this one, I just want to know why it happens? Is it a common issue in women? I’m not a nymphomaniac either. I mean, I really love having sex, and sex with my boyfriend is the best ever – and we have sex as often as we can! Anyway, this keeps happening almost every night.
2. I really fantasize about having a threesome with my boyfriend and another girl. I consider myself as bicurious. When I masturbate I always think about girls or a three-way. My boyfriend is up to try it — well he would love to do it too. Our only problem is that we really don’t know how or where to get a girl who wants to join us. I have no female friends and neither does he. How could we make our fantasy come true?
XOXO
A: I’m curious as to what you mean when you say your genitals start hurting. If that hurting is just an ache or deep urge to have sex or have an orgasm, your nightly visits with your vibrator sound perfectly normal! Even if you enjoy sex with your boyfriend and have lots of it with him, that doesn’t mean it’s strange at all to feel the urge to get yourself off often as well. It’s also a pretty common way for people with insomnia issues to help themselves fall asleep. However, if you’re experiencing actual pain, you should probably go see a doctor about it ASAP.
As far as threesomes go, you’ve got several options for finding a woman who is willing to play with you and your boyfriend. Online websites like AdultFriendFinder.com or Nerve.com would be a good place for you two to make a couples’ profile. You could also try to meet women as friends first and eventually suss out whether a threesome might be a possibility. The important thing here is not to be creepy and not to use someone, the same way you would if you were single and looking for someone to hook up with. Treat people with respect, and don’t push the issue if a woman isn’t interested. Also, if you do find a willing third, know what your boundaries are as a couple before getting it on! [Tera Patrick actually offered up some great advice on this specific subject in an SG/MissTruth column a couple of years ago – it’s worth giving it a read before you proceed.]
Good luck!
Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com
