Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Jaeci, Yesenia and Fabrizia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’ve been in a relationship for about 3 years now. We had a hard start but things were good for a while. About a year ago, we had our last big fight, which was caused by her jealously.

Any ideas of how to just get things done without any blood?

A: Nothing excuses your cheating. It is the ultimate betrayal of the bond between monogamous lovers. You say you don’t want to hurt her, you don’t want to make things worse – you’ve already done the most hurtful thing you can do; you’ve already shown total disregard for her fragile psychological state. If she were to find out you cheated, I’d bet money she’d be in a worse condition than if you had just broken up in the first place. Incompatibility, irreconcilable differences – these things are normal, natural, not even terribly personal. Being cheated on, however, raises a thousand questions and will put all kind of doubts in her min. Your behavior hasn’t been respectable. You’ve been a coward.

Yea, someone has to say it.

However, what’s done is done. You fucked up. Now it’s time to get out, and stop living this charade. Stop hurting someone you’re pretending you care about, stop living a lie, stop keeping the woman that you do love waiting in the wings.

First of all, you need to approach this breakup in a calm, non-judgmental way. You need to be gracious, courteous, tactful, gentle. Don’t pick her apart, don’t list a litany of mistakes and missteps, or try to apportion blame. Don’t air out your dirty laundry to clear your conscience in any way – you’ve made the nasty choices, and you’ve got to live with those. In this case, I’d advise you to err on the side of caution. When in doubt, hold your tongue.

Does she have a close friend that you also talk to? A reasonable family member, maybe a brother or sister or cousin close in age, who knows of her suicide attempts? Often people with mental health problems, personality disorders, or addictions have some people in their lives that love them unconditionally but DO understand why boyfriends, girlfriends, and plain-old-friends have to detach. If there is someone close you can talk to, you may want to consider reaching out to them. After you’ve broken up, if it seems like she’s very hurt or worked up, tell someone, “We just broke up. I’m not sure she’s taking it so well, but I want to make sure she’s okay. Would you mind giving her a call or stopping in?”

As much as I do not want to give you a get out of jail free card, what happens AFTER your break up is not your responsibility. If you’ve treated her with respect (or at least pretended to; your multiple bouts of infidelity are blatantly disrespectful), if you’ve handled her heart with the best care you can, what she does after you leave is her choice. You cannot stay with her because you are afraid of how she’ll respond.

Arm yourself with a suicide hotline number, and tread carefully. Hopefully she will have better judgment than to cause herself harm over you.

Jaeci

Q: 
So this movie coming out, Friends With Benefits, got me thinking. How can I introduce the idea of sex between my female friend and I? Like the movie No Strings Attached, how can I successfully introduce this concept? 
Understanding that she ultimately makes the rules, such as: no emotions, it’s not about sex all the time, and/or no games like trying to make her jealous. Is it normal or possible for the dude to even bring it up without looking like a jerk? 
I have a couple of friends in mind (they don’t know each other) whom I do care about, but I know we are generally not wanting a serious relationship at this time.

Not Justin Timberlake

A: I will say 9 out of 10 times these situations end badly. Think about what is more important to you – sex or that person’s friendship? I don’t want that to sound rude, because for all I know either of the girls could be bad friends, making sex more appealing (and if that is the case – the sex will be empty and you might as well get a blow up doll). I guess just sit down and think about all the possible outcomes of the situation and make a decision accordingly.

If you do decide to go ahead, remember, the more important the friendship, the more delicately the approach should be taken. First, you need to know if the girl is sexually attracted to you. You can start by doing some random mini-flirty type things, like giving a look or touching her hand briefly. Always be honest – it will only hurt the both of you if you are not. Let her know you are attracted to her, but also state you do not want a relationship.

You may also want to think about what you expect out of the sexual encounters. Are you searching for an emotional feeling or strictly to get off? And bear in mind what the girl is expecting to get out of it. If the two of you are not completely mutual in these feelings, I would abandon ship.

xx Kisses xx

Yesenia

Q: This may sound weird, but my problem is my insane sex drive when it comes to my wife. She’s so hot that she doesn’t even have to do anything to turn me on. We hug and I have an instant erection. Her sex drive is a lot lower than mine though. She says my dick hurts her when we have sex so I just try to double down on licking her so at least she gets to cum sometimes, but she’s rarely in the mood like I am.

I’m nowhere near the point of looking for an affair but I’d love to know if there’s anything I should do for her. She doesn’t communicate sex well either. I was her first BF, and mine was the first penis she’d ever seen, so she’s not as experienced as I am. I think that’s why she doesn’t want to talk about what’s wrong. We also tried getting toys. I’m already pretty kinky so we got stuff like a strap on, cuffs, leg restraints, blindfolds, gags, and a bullet/egg. It works and we do have fun with it, but we still don’t have that much sex even with them. Any advice?

A: It sounds like you need to stop pressing the issue and maybe start asking some different questions: Were things always like this between the two of you? If not, when did it change? Have there been any major life events that may have put a damper on her sex drive?

Sometimes, lack of drive stems from psychological or physical reasons that have little to do with sex itself. However, there are situations where people are just not sexually compatible. I am not sure which one of these is the case for you, but there are ways to find out.

Consider if something has changed, or if it’s always been this way. Maybe you have been trying too hard to change her into a person she is not. Whether or not the two of you have different sex drives is one thing, but it’s an altogether different issue when you bring sexual preferences – likes and dislikes – into the mix.

You’ve done this by trying to introduce sex toys and even suggesting the addition of another partner. But it seems to me that these suggestions are only addressing your needs and not hers. If it hurts her when you have sex, maybe you should try to slow down a little bit and take some of the pressure off her – literally and figuratively!

Since you are the more experienced one in the relationship, you need to approach the situation with a bit more tact and understanding towards her – she’s never been with anyone else and may not really feel comfortable being sexually overt yet.

If you love her, stay the course and try to be understanding that you two might just have different needs. She isn’t broken and doesn’t need to be fixed. You might be making it worse by going over to top with your attempts to change things. If all else fails, hey there’s always masturbation. (You might also want to consider couples counseling too.)

Fabrizia

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com