Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Tekky, Perdita, and Leandra

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have been on and off with this guy for 10 months now. We haven’t really been in an actual relationship. I moved in with him once to try things out, but he basically broke that off on Valentine’s Day. Now we have more of this friends with benefits thing going. But we fight. We fight for about a week, then for two weeks we are okay and together. I have to see him almost everyday. I really care for him. I’m also hurt at the same time. What should I do?

A: Wow! Remember when I mentioned my last Team Agony question was something I was familiar with? This one hits home in an admittedly humbling way. I feel like I’m reading my own story. It’s a very tricky situation you’re in, and usually in your position it takes a lot of thinking and re-thinking to find out what you really want (and need) to do in order to be happy.

The main thing I would suggest is that you should sit down and have a talk with him. He clearly knows how you feel, but there is a chance he sees you sticking around and continuing your physical relationship as a sign that you’re okay with things the way they are – which you aren’t. Asking where you stand is perfectly acceptable, especially when your feelings are being jeopardized. If this guy is even slightly decent, he will be honest with you and let you know what’s up.

Friends with benefits is sometimes totally possible. The thing is, it often ends up in hurtful territory because someone involved develops feelings for the other, and when they aren’t returned things can get ugly. You said you care for this guy a lot. Are you staying in the situation in the hopes it will become something more? If you fight as often as you do, you need to think about the reasons you fight. Do they stem from your feelings – or his lack thereof?

You’ve had more negative things to say about this guy than positive, and that’s usually not a good thing. Sometimes we can care about someone so much that we put aside all the bad aspects, and focus on the less prominent good ones.

What advice would you give a friend if she was in your shoes? I was in a very similar situation recently, but realized that if someone I cared about was in my place, I would have told her to ditch the guy ages ago. And yet, there I was, making excuses for his behavior, and hanging onto the times when things were good between us, when the fact of the matter was I was intentionally dismissing the bad parts because I liked him so much and wanted him in my life. In the end, I forced myself to cut ties, and I recently met someone who treats me better than the other guy ever did. It’s a great feeling, and you deserve that feeling too.

Why do you have to see him every day? Try going to different places, hanging out with different people. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break from your usual haunts if it means less stress on your end.

Bottom line: this guy doesn’t seem to be right for you. The fighting, the not wanting to be in a relationship, and the fact that you are hurt – all red flags. Talk to him, and find out where you stand, but remember, YOUR feelings are what you need to worry about. Relationships shouldn’t hurt. You deserve a guy who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, and a guy who makes you happy ALL the time – not just every few weeks. It’s hard to let someone go that you care about – but as the saying goes, “there’s plenty of fish in the sea.” There’s a totally hot boy fish out there who wants you all to himself. Go catch him!

Tekky

Q: I have problems with paranoia and lack of trust in other people. I also have image issues – constantly feeling like my body isn’t good enough then going through phases of going to the gym and doing circuits. I also tend to bicker with my parents who say I’m lazy even though I work all week – I guess I don’t do enough chores? This causes a feeling of anger that other people who live off the state have easier and less stressful lives and get everything paid for.

I don’t have many friends locally so maybe this is contributing to me over-thinking things? Can you help me?

A: Allow me to be blunt for a moment: it is very easy to project frustration and blame others for what are ultimately our own shortcomings. It is equally easy to believe that others have it easy, when often times this is hardly the case. In other words: stop blaming, and start fixing.

Self-confidence and body image issues are completely common, and it can be a very easy fix. Start going to the gym and tell yourself that you are strong, capable and totally kick-ass! Studies have shown that it takes 21 days for good habits to develop and stick, but you should also keep in mind a couple more things:

1. You can’t change everything at once.
2. Change isn’t automatic.

Set some reasonable expectations for going to the gym, and stick to them. Thanks to the wonders of endorphins, the more you work out, the better you will feel and the easier working out will get – and the more you go to the gym, the more accomplished you will feel. It’s an awesome upward cycle, you just have to get it rolling!

As to the internal struggles you are facing, I can assure you that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Writing can be very therapeutic to address how you feel, and can help you stop focusing on internalizing and hyper-focusing on things, since once you’ve written them down you can then put them aside.

Make sure you take note of your accomplishments; it’s very difficult to improve your outlook if you are always down on yourself. I’m not saying you have to be super happy all the time, but it is important to understand how powerful of an impact negative behavior can have on your general well being. And as far as that creeping feeling that the past is sneaking up on you – don’t sweat it. You are only ever in the present, and if something from your past does come back, you can deal with it when the time comes.

Perdita

Q: I was in a 21-year marriage. When we broke up, my wife blamed me for all the problems in her life. Several years went by and I met someone else, and a year later the same thing happened. I don’t do drugs, maybe have one beer a week, smoke maybe a pack a day – usually at work or home. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong!?!?!?!?

A: Firstly, please stop blaming yourself! Secondly, stop blaming yourself! 21-years of marriage is a long time, so you must be doing something right. It’s very easy for people who are not happy with their lives to blame someone else, especially someone close to them. I don’t believe you can be the reason for all the problems in your ex-wife’s life. Same goes for this other woman you met. Even if you were drinking more or smoking more than you do, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or falling short in the marriage.

Did you ever ask these women where they thought you might be going wrong? If you are unknowingly affecting your relationships negatively in some way, they would be able to help out with the specifics far more than I can. Perhaps reach out to them for answers? They may also have a clearer perspective on the relationship now that they are out of it.

It’s so easy for us to take the blame. I think we have all been in that situation at some point. Most of us have had failed relationships, sometimes repeatedly, and we wonder what’s going wrong, and, mostly, what is wrong with us? I know it’s hard not to ask yourself that question. But the best, most positive way to move forward is to figure out what you’re doing right, and do more of it.

I hope you start to feel better about things soon. Thank you for writing!

Leandra
xxx

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com