Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony2
Posted In All Things SG,Blog,Love,Relationships,Sex,Society
by SG’s Team Agony feat. Smythe and Casca
Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.
Q: There’s this guy that I’ve been into since I meet him. After I broke up with my BF we started to fool around but haven’t kissed or fucked. I thought he was into me and so did everyone else, so I finally told him I liked him. He said that he wasn’t interested in me like that. It’s been about a month since I told him I liked him, and I’m not over it. I don’t even understand why I liked him in the first place, or why he showed that he was into me but said differently. Could you please help make sense of all this? I would like to move on but it seems like I can’t.
A: Ugh! It is the worst when you’re thinking someone is into you, but no one has actually made the big step of clearly stating feelings. And then when you muster up the strength to do it you find that, despite contradictory actions, the person doesn’t feel the same way. It’s hard not to feel hurt by it. Anytime you open up to someone and they’re not into it, it’s a bruise to the ego. Especially when you think you have every reason to believe that things would work out for you.
As for your attraction to the guy, I wouldn’t be too worried over it. Everyone is attracted to someone that isn’t good for them at some point or another. The heart isn’t very logical. I know that I’ve found a person attractive due to one particular quality, despite a mountain of reasons that getting with the person would be a bad idea. The dichotomy between his feelings and actions could have nothing to do with you. It could be him having a hard time figuring things out for himself, or not being ready to get involved in a relationship. People sometimes get really nervous when they feel themselves falling for someone and begin to back pedal and say the opposite of how they are feeling. Also, there was a recent study that said when guys flirt at work, it’s not always because they’re into you, they may just be bored –– yeah, really!!! It’s a sad fact, but some guys flirt not because they want a relationship, but ’cause they need an ego boost to make themselves feel better –– but that’s their bad and not yours.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You’re guilty of nothing besides expressing your feelings. Everyone has feelings, but not everyone knows how to express them. You also just got out of a relationship, so you were used to having someone around to love and to love you. It’s totally not uncommon to try and redirect your feelings onto someone new. Give it some time. Figure out what you want and need before getting back into the game.
Smythe
Xoxox
Q: Until three months ago I was engaged. From when I proposed to a few months before she called it off all was well. However, eventually she became – and in hindsight I realize – very withdrawn emotionally and physically abusive. (A weekend wouldn’t go by where I didn’t end up covered in bruises – all I could do was do my best to restrain her.) She was very jealous and demanded an unreasonable amount of my time (to the point where she was guilt-tripping me so I would skip weeks of work to be with her), and was generally manipulative.
Eventually things got so bad that I was always nervous around her – as if I was constantly walking on eggshells – which she sensed. This made things even worse. I might add here that I am under no misapprehension that I was an ideal fiancé. I was very absorbed in my research and am quite bipolar, though, to my memory, I never took it out on her physically. We finally got to the point where we hardly talked. It wasn’t long after this that she left me, saying that she wasn’t ready for an engagement or to be in any sort of relationship at all.
Over time I got over the loss, but there have been some niggling issues plaguing me. Since all of this, I’ve been out on casual dates with a few girls, some of whom I think honestly liked me, but I can’t seem to shake off this massive distrust for others I seem to have developed. I’ve barely even been able to give my friends hugs, much less deal with extended physical proximity to someone with whom I might have a relationship, platonic or otherwise.
I suppose my question comes at this point: do you have any advice for coping mechanisms or for getting over past abuse so I can possibly have a real and fulfilling relationship with someone in the future? I realize that there are no promises, but I’m just looking for anything I can do so that the possibility can exist again.
A: First I’d like to say I’m sorry to hear of what happened to you with your past partner. I feel very strongly that no one should have to put up with physical violence, whether it is from a man or a woman, and I’m not surprised that you are having issues with trusting people. I have witnessed this sort of emotional and physical abuse from a few angles, with past partners and in the family, so I really do know how you feel. From what you have described, it sounds like your ex has got some issues of her own, most likely from before you met her, so it is important for you to remember that you did not cause what happened.
You mentioned that you are bipolar, and for some this can cause stresses in a relationship. If your ex was battling her own demons she might have found it difficult staying on top of your ups and downs. Again, this does not mean that it is your fault and that it will happen again in another relationship – some people just find it hard to juggle all the stuff that is going on in their head.
Although it might take time, you will be able to trust again. You have some deep wounds that need healing, but little by little they will. I think a good place to start would be with your close friends, people who you know will support you. Try slowly opening up and never be afraid to ask for a bit of reassurance. If your friends really are friends they will help you. SG also has a group for survivors of abusive relationships –– if you’re a member you might also want to look for support and advice there.
Don’t try rushing in to another long term relationship at this stage, just work on getting closer to people, so that when you do find the right person you won’t have as many barriers.
One thing you can do at this stage however is perhaps work to regulate your bipolar symptoms. If you’re seeing a doctor or therapist about it, try talking to them about how it’s affecting you and your relationships. They might be able to help you resolve some of the emotional pain you experience that can feel a bit overwhelming when you are going through a depressive phase.
Take care, and remember don’t push yourself too hard. You will get there when you’re ready.
Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com
