Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony2

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Atlea and Setsuka

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: So I have a little bit of a dilemma and I’m hoping you girls can help. For starters, I’m a 23-year old lesbian from New Jersey. I have never been in a healthy relationship. I was with a woman, we’ll call her T, from May ‘09 to Jan ‘10. It wasn’t exactly a healthy relationship, but I was in love with her. She treated me like shit. She cheated, lied, and was always out partying. I dealt with it because I didn’t think I could do any better. After she left me we didn’t talk for a while, but she always seemed to find a way back into my life, and me being me, I let her.

This August will be a year since I hurt H, and I have not given up trying to get her back. I have apologized to her so many times I have lost count. I realized I still love H and I would do anything to get her back. Problem is she barely talks to me. I know I hurt her, I know I was wrong, and there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t wish I could change that. She texted me about two weeks ago and said she was bartending at a new bar in my hometown and said she would like to see me. I went and the moment I saw her, my heart dropped. That was the true realization that I still love her. Ladies, please give me some advice. I would do anything for her…

A: Well for starters, congratulations on figuring out that T is no good for you. Whether she has changed or not, from the way she had been when you were together, it takes someone with a complete disregard for anyone else’s feelings to try and get between two people when they have a good thing going –– especially if that person is someone you had history with. It only further proves that that person is aware that they have an emotional hold on you.

This kind of toxic behavior, never works itself out in relationships. I mean sure, I have a few friends who are practically in the same situation as you’ve been, and it can go on like that for an entire lifetime if you let it, but it doesn’t make it right. You owe it to yourself, and to everyone you will be with in the future, to be independent or you’ll eventually drive yourself insane.

First step is admitting to yourself out loud and repeatedly that your brain knows that person is no good for you, even if the heart takes a while to follow. Until you’re capable of fully letting go of someone who is pretty intrusive to your feelings (and your whole being) you won’t be able to love someone else fully (read: properly). I find this is especially true if this T person is someone you’re likely to see at parties or in your neighborhood or something.

Okay so that being out of the way, let’s focus on H. You’ve been apologizing for a year. You seem to understand fully already that it’s not going to be an easy task to get her to trust you. I think T may have played a part in that; it’s funny how we tend to learn a lot from people who treat us badly. So now H decides that she wants to resolve the issue, she sends you a note because she’d like to see you. Obviously this doesn’t necessarily mean that she has forgiven you, but she definitely wants to communicate, and that’s always a step in the right direction.

You’re going to have to work on the basic friendship level before you try to get back to the relationship level. At this point she is giving you a chance to be let in, so you have to take it slow and seriously. You have to show you mean it, and that you deeply care for her. If you’ve had an actual sit down conversation where you apologized for everything, took the time to hear her out, acknowledged how much pain she’s felt because of your actions, and let her know you understand what she’s been put through, then great. A million sorries don’t matter if they’re just thrown left and right. They also tend not to make much sense when they are backed up by excuses and reasons, so be sure to have that one conversation where you can apologize and just listen. Again I’m unsure as to whether this has been done already. If not, you need to do it.

Once that’s past, then move on. You need to make her understand that you regret your decision, but you don’t want a situation where you put yourself at the eternal mercy of H either. The relationship will never thrive if either of you can’t put this past you, it would just keep eating at your relationship over time. She needs time to forgive you, that’s understandable, but it can’t drag forever, and you can’t allow her in the future to keep bringing it up, it would be unfair to you both.

I think that once this is dealt with, you’ll have a clean slate to start afresh with your relationship. Take time, and savor the funnest part. Get to know each other all over, fall in love with all the little things that made you like her in the first place, go on outings and such. Don’t rush anything. If you really care for each other, things will fall into place. And if they don’t end up being romantic, I think H would make an amazing addition to a friends list.

I know what you want with her is love and for her to be your girlfriend, but just think, if you’ve been through such a difficult hurdle together and you’ve managed to work through it, I think she’s a keeper, definitely someone of good influence on you. But I certainly think you girls can make this work, especially if she’s ready to make contact with you. It really shows ambition on her part, and a lot of love and care for you. Take your time ladies, and appreciate each other. Things’ll work out in the end.

Atlea

Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we have a 1-year old baby. The sex is not what a used to be. We used to fuck all over the house and now I have to beg for him to have sex with me –– and he doesn’t even give me a Big O. What should I do? I’m sexually frustrated.

A: In long term relationships it is common to go through “dry” periods and for your sex life to loose a little of the initial passion. And having a baby often changes the nature of a couple’s sex life. It can be hard for men to see the mother of their child the same they did before the baby came along. He may also be worried about your baby hearing or seeing you have sex. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive; having a baby is an amazing and beautiful thing that really changes people and how they see their significant other. I think what you are going through is quite common.

That said, he could also just be tired and stressed out with having a new life to take care of. If he is working as well, he may feel overwhelmed and the last thing on his mind might be sex. I’d suggest seeing if you can get a sitter one night and go out together to reconnect a bit. If the sitter is at home with your baby, you could try having car sex or sex somewhere exciting where you won’t see baby stuff sitting out.

As for him not giving you orgasms, is this something your able to do on your own? If it isn’t, it may not be his fault you aren’t able to orgasm. Your body has undergone a life changing experience and it may take a little time to adjust and for you to be able to orgasm like you used to.

If you are able to orgasm by stimulating yourself, then you need to take charge of your sexuality when the two of you are together. Don’t wait on him to make a move, be empowered. Tell him –– and show him –– what you need. If you do, chances are it’ll turn him on too. If you want great sex and an orgasm, you are going to have to make it happen. Relax, try not to over think it all, and mostly good luck!

Setsuka
xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com