Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0
Posted In All Things SG,Blog,Love,Relationships,Sex,Society
by SG’s Team Agony feat. Aadie and Lexie
Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.
Q: Got a problem that’s been on my mind for a while. I’ve been married for the past 8 years, and my partner has never been quite a partner in the sense of taking on or handling the usually shared responsibilities: paying bills, cleaning, parenting, etc., etc. I feel as if I’m constantly putting out fires started by her — without the help of a partner. Being the dedicated person I like to be, I always muscled on — I hate quitting.
So anyways, about 18 months ago I found out that she had an on going affair with my best friend. I was pretty shattered. I left with my son and broke ties with my ex-best friend. After 7 months I decided to try to repair the relationship for the sake of my son, and to help with her father since he was living with us and was fighting cancer. Also, I felt like I wanted to try again, so I moved back in. The disease eventually took its course, and her dad passed. I was glad to be around.
Now, 6 months have passed and I feel like I’m back where I started. I can’t seem to find a way to love her like I did before. I love her as a person and the mother of my child, BUT I feel like I’m just playing a part in a movie, living a lie. We have little in common anymore. She hates all my friends, she aspires to do nothing more than sleep, read, and smoke pot, criticizes my family, and the list goes on. I’m scared to leave because I’ll want custody of my son, and around here moms always win.
My head is just about to spin off my body. Any advise?
Anon-o-moose!
A: So I am a very firm believer in the sacredness of one’s happiness. I think that what you have tried to accomplish in spite of your issues is absolutely beautiful. You’re a good dad!
But, and don’t get me wrong here, for yourself that is not enough, nor is it for the child. It is frustrating growing up in a ‘loveless home.’ I have empathy for your fear of your wife receiving full custody. That alone is a massive drive to continue on, though you need to take a second to look at this whole situation. Your heart is entirely in the right place, ENTIRELY. But is it at all possible to sit down with your wife and discuss what you feel emotionally?
Though this is easier said than done, honesty in the end should never be a variable and it is always a beacon of the highest value. Usually, even if there is an upset, your genuine honestly is appreciated in the end. I want to tell you that she will be ok with this and that the two of you will work it out like adults in regards to the custody of your son, but I can’t unfortunately. Ultimately the decision resides with you as to what you think is the best course of action to take, I can only offer a blind and untainted opinion.
From where I am though, and the experience I have had in relationships, I feel moved to tell you that this is not good. But you know it’s not good. That’s why you’re writing us. It is possible that you could fall back in love with her and live happily ever after, but that outcome seems unlikely. The other is that you continue to force yourself to stay wrapped up in something/someone where the magic and lust has faltered and gone. I would not want that for anyone. Plus, are you completely sure that she is happy now either? She was, after all, participating in an affair!
The child does make this an incredibly emotionally charged and tricky situation, but do you really want your son growing up in a household where dad is suffocated and/or just stuck there? Emotionally stunted possibly? That is potentially what he’ll be exposed too, and those are not lessons we would want taught to our children.
Sticking it out is one thing, but consider this; Two separate happy households can be just as good, if not better than one. The key is getting her to cooperate (would couples counseling as you approach a split help?). I believe you have already determined in your gut what needs to be done –– taking the first step is the issue. Good luck.
Q: I have a problem, both of my best friends that are guys have feelings for me. I don’t, so I tell them I’m a lesbian. I just want to be friends. I don’t want to lose them, but yet they keep telling me how they want to be more than friends. I keep telling them that I just like girls but feel that they don’t listen. I don’t know what else to do or say to them. I’ve known them about 5 years now. Please help.
A: While I can understand how emotionally taxing it can be to have a close friend want more from you, and even more so when its two close friends, not being honest with yourself and your friends is doing more damage than good. If they are your close friends you should be able to be completely honest with them and not hide behind the facade of being someone you are not.
It may seem like a good idea at the time to just tell them you’re a lesbian to get away from the pressures of their feelings for you, but they aren’t taking seriously your attempt to mask not wanting a relationship with them by claiming a preference for the same sex. Isn’t that obvious if they won’t quit it?
Best friends can be honest with one another, even if the truth does hurt. It’s better to have all the cards out on the table and take a true stand about how you feel. If you keep masking behind being a lesbian, you aren’t being true to yourself, –– and worse, you are helping add to the stigmas people in the LGBT community already face. Lesbians have a hard enough time in modern society being taken seriously when you have so many lesbanes seeking out male attention by claiming they like other women. Your average heterosexual male has had a fantasy, or two, involving lesbians. I’m sure they even believe they can snag you and another girl to fulfill this fantasy they have. Your little lie to get out of a tough situation, is just forcing you into a tougher one.
Come clean, and be honest. You’ll feel better about yourself in the long run. And if they are your true best friends, they may be heartbroken, but they should understand and be able to move on.
Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com
