Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony1

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Shaine, Lyxzen and Yulia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have this ex-boyfriend who is a alcoholic and every now and then he’ll calls me drunk and talks about memories of me and him, and tells me he wants to hangout with me. I still have feelings for him, and feel like he still likes me or something. Could I be right? We’ve both moved on and are with other people. What do you suggest I do?

A: Firstly, consider that he’s your ex-boyfriend, meaning you guys broke up for a reason. Remind yourself what this reason is, and if it’s forgivable or changeable. If not, it’s highly unlikely that your relationship now will be different from your relationship in the past.

Secondly, he’s an alcoholic. Is it really such a good idea to get involved with an alcoholic? Is he willing to change his ways, go to AA, and/or admit he has a problem? There is a big difference between having a relationship and caring for an alcoholic that is aware of his problem but doesn’t want to change, having a relationship with someone who is aware of his problem and desires change, and having a relationship with someone that is completely delusional and believes “he can quit when he wants to.”

Thirdly, drunken memories are always a million times better than sober ones. Somehow you only remember 1/4 of the memories that are good and happen to ignore the other 3/4 that are terrible until you re-involve yourself. Does he call you when he’s sober? Do you guys have good and sober conversations? If he is only calling you when he’s drunk, he is going to need to be drunk 100% of the time to be as sweet as he is when he calls you wasted.

Unfortunately, I have no idea who you or your ex are, what your relationship was like, why you broke up, what has happened since then, etc. Therefore it’s a little tough for me to give actual advice, but I’m trying my best, so bear with me.

Who is this person you are with now? Clearly things aren’t going so well with this person if you are considering going back to an alcoholic ex who only has great memories of your relationship when he’s drunk. Are you even sure that he wants to get back together or is he just having moments of uncertainty and calls you to boost his ego?

The more I think about it, the less I think this is a good idea. He’s your ex for a reason, let’s keep it that way.

Sorry lady.

Shaine

Q: First of all, sorry, my English is terrible. I’m Brazilian XD. Hope that you can understand the problem=p

What should I do? Is he telling the truth or is it just small talk to manipulate me so he can take me to bed for a few months more?

A: Love is such a crazy thing, yikes! I’ve been in a similar situation myself, so I know exactly the frustration, confusion, and hurt you’ve been feeling. I also know exactly the excitement and hope that you have, that things will work out in time.

Years ago, I confessed to one of my best friends that I’d had feelings for him since we’d first met. He confessed that he felt the same, and we began hanging out more and more, without ever making things “official.” After a few months of dates and sleepovers, I brought up the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. He spouted off this reason and that for why he wasn’t “ready” for an actual relationship — really, they were so silly and it was so long ago that I can’t even remember what they were.

He still wanted to be friends, and to continue our friends with benefits deal from what I sensed, but I wasn’t about to give him cake and let him eat it too –– if you know what I mean (I hope the expression translates okay, but if not, can you do me a favor and start a trend in Brazil of referring to sex in euphemisms about baked-goods?). Anyhow, we stopped hanging out after we had a serious talk, and eventually both moved on to new relationships. But enough about me and my indecisive boy thing –– we’re here to discuss your issue after all!

Whatever the reason someone gives for not wanting to be in a relationship, it’s them, not you. Whether they’re nervous to commit out of fear of being hurt, or they’re reluctant to settle down thinking they won’t be a good enough partner, or because they’d just rather continue playing the field, that’s something they need to work out for themselves.

Assuming he has been honest with you, it seems to me that in the case of your guy, age is less the issue for him than the previous relationship(s) that have caused him to feel vulnerable and closed-off from pursuing new love interests. The sweet way he tucked you in and confided in you makes me think his feelings for you are true, that he really does have a place for you in his heart. However, and I hate to say this, your instincts may be right. This could also just be his way of convincing you not to cut him off from those great benefits you two had shared. Love is complicated, and friends with benefits situations are even more so! Remember, lovely, whatever reservations he has about himself of the relationship are his, and only his to sort out.

It will be one of the most difficult things you can do, but I think you two need a break. If he’s actually stringing you along for the benefits, insisting that you two spend time apart with give you both a chance to begin moving on to bigger and better things. (My friend ended up getting married to the next girl he started dating just a year or two later, and they’re great together. And after a few more years of dating around and learning more about myself, I’m seeing the guy I think I’m going to marry too!)

However, it could be that he only needs a few weeks or a few months to think about things and find out he’s finally ready to be with you. Either way, he needs to be apart from you to find that out. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? And if you two are meant for one another, what’s a few weeks or months in the grand scheme of things?

Whatever happens, distancing yourself from him for the time being is the best option you have to allow both of you to sort out your feelings. Every situation is different, but whatever happens will be for the best –– I promise you!

Good luck, darling!
xo, Lyxzen

Q: For the first time in 22 years of living I found myself in love. I am a cynic by nature, one that does not fall in love often or very deeply, but this time it was different. It was one of those “we were made for one another” relationships. It wasn’t perfect but it was the first time I felt happy in a relationship.

I know we were sincerely in love and now I feel lost. I have tried my hardest to get over him and the situation but I cannot. I am scared I will be like this forever. I am a writer so I spend most of my time alone, which just gives me more time to think about it. I am unsure where to turn next or what to do.

A: You are in such a difficult situation through no fault of your own and I really feel for you. I have never understood why some parents feel the need to control their adult children. From my experience, watching friends fight to rebel against strict families, these situations rarely end well. At best, the child ends up resenting their family. I hope, for everyone’s sake, that this situation can be resolved amicably.

You have taken the high road by accepting the current reality, and your desire to avoid becoming “the other woman” demonstrates your strength and maturity. Your ex’s accepting his fatherly responsibility demonstrates his. Without knowing more about his ex-love and current wife, I can’t deliberate on why she agreed to marry him despite having fallen out of love, though I wonder if she too caved to parental pressure (whether her own or his).

Let’s look at the practical side first. I know in this economy finding a new job can be extremely difficult, so it’s not surprising that he wants to hold on to what he has, especially given his part ownership of a company. That said, even if he enjoys his work, I fear that his loveless home life will eventually creep into his work life until both are burdens. How can you enjoy a job if that job is preventing you from living the life you want, with the person you want? Since only a few months have passed, he may not be at that stage yet. Of course, if he truly loves his job and wants to continue, perhaps the two of you could quietly look into the legalities of his parents firing him. Since he is an owner, is it even possible to fire him without reaching an agreement, complete with a financial settlement? I can’t pretend to be an expert on corporate law, especially since they differ from place to place, but it’s certainly worth looking into. My best guess is that if the parents were to try and fire him, they would have to buy out his percentage of company ownership, leaving him with at the very least a decent chunk of change to tide him and his children over until he secured new employment.

But before thinking of a job change, what he really needs to do is initiate a serious conversation with his parents about why they insisted on this particular course of action. After all, it’s his life, not theirs! Perhaps they can discuss why, exactly, this marriage was so important, and who actually wanted it, given that neither the bride nor the groom seemed to. You say he has another child — does he have another ex-wife? Did his parents pressure him to marry his first child’s mother too? And if not, why did they do so with the second?

Are they insecure in their own relationship and trying to live vicariously through their son? Are they afraid of the stigma associated with single parents and/or babies born out of wedlock, or do they stigmatize “non-traditional” families themselves? Perhaps he needs to break the situation down to its bare bones: would they rather see their grandchild grow up with divorced parents (which is commonplace these days), or in a house with loveless parents who resent being together? Regardless of how he chooses to approach the initial conversation, your ex absolutely needs to stand up to his parents. Just like they need to realize he is an adult capable of making his own decisions, and is entitled to do so. If he doesn’t, the resentment and unhappiness he surely feels will grow until he can’t keep it hidden any longer.

Meanwhile, you are suffering, an innocent victim of a terrible situation. Depending on what he decides to do, you can either hold on to the relationship you two have and wait until you can be together properly, or move on, heal the heartbreak, and find someone stronger who will not cave to external pressures. Ether way, please be sure to take care of yourself. Love isn’t easy to find and is often even more difficult to get rid of.

You are a writer, so please use your talents to work through what you’re feeling. Don’t be afraid of bringing your emotions to the forefront of your mind when you write. Expressing yourself through art is healthy and a much better way to heal than binging on ice cream, sappy movies, or drugs and alcohol. Plus you’ll end up with a body of work, and no matter what you do with that, you will always have it to look back on as practice, therapy, or even as something that may eventually be published. Don’t worry about whether you’re spending too much time alone, especially if the majority of that time is spent working. Being alone isn’t a problem unless you feel lost and worthless or are unable to function regularly while alone. But be sure to supplement your solo time with social time. Whether it’s with him, friends, or family, regular socializing will keep you in check and grounded.

My heart goes out to you, him, and his children. There are many individuals at stake in this situation and I truly hope the end result involves everyone’s happiness and wellbeing.

Yulia

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com