Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Dalila, Kraven and Sassie!

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have been married for 4 months and my wife is 7 months pregnant. (We got engaged before pregnancy.) My wife is pretty much turned off to sex at this point. I understand she’s uncomfortable and maybe not in the mood, but she is entirely turned off to the point where we haven’t had relations in 3 weeks, and it was dwindling leading up to the current drought.

I am being shut out on all levels of sexual contact. No old fashioned. No oral favors. Nothing! I’m trying to be supportive of her and not push it but at this point I’m thinking I’m not getting laid till Christmas. Please help! What should I do?

A: First of all, keep in mind that when someone is pregnant, nausea and exhaustion are common symptoms, and are not merely excuses to avoid sex. Added to this, a pregnant woman has all kinds of hormonal highs and lows, plus you’re wife’s physical image is rapidly changing, and maybe she doesn’t feel as beautiful as you think she is. It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re carrying a shit-ton of extra weight. Well maybe shit-ton is not a nice way to refer to a baby bump, but really, I reckon she’s very uncomfortable. And since you’re working this much, I’m guessing you’re rarely home, and when you are, you’re tired and quite grumpy, aren’t you? Well that situation is so not sexy either, so you can’t rally expect life to rain booty anytime soon.

You may have fantasies that when you come home from work, she’ll be waiting for you in Agent Provocateur lingerie, smelling of Chanel No. 5, all hot and bothered and ready to give it a go…Then she lets her silk dressing gown fall on the floor… Well, scratch that! You have to work to put her in the mood. And given your wife’s current condition, your expectations are probably not that realistic.

Instead, be patient and enjoy the life changing experience. Just because she’s not in the mood for sex, doesn’t mean you can’t be intimate, and if you focus on the intimacy, maybe she’ll start to feel comfortable enough to have sex again. Give her a nice back rub using delicate oils, cuddle, take her somewhere fancy. All you need is to take the pressure off and lighten up the mood. Bring a fresh attitude into your life and you both will benefit from it, since, from what I read you are both feeling far from relaxed.

Try to watch a movie with her while cuddling on the couch – but make it an event. Choose the movie wisely, clean the place up a little, keep (nonalcoholic) drinks fresh, buy some chocolates, light some scented candles, make sure she’s comfortable and she’s forgetting about what she has been through lately –– and that you are too. Relax with her, cuddle, give each other back or foot rubs. Kiss, make her feel beautiful and at ease, make it a special night. If all of this leads to sex, then you’ll be happy. If not, you’ll be happy anyways, because you spent an awesome night with your significant other. Maybe that’s all you need.

Still not happy and she’s still not up for it? Well I guess you have hands to use on yourself. In time, better tides will come. Your wife won’t be pregnant forever. However, you should also expect that she’ll need time to get back to her old self after the birth, since that can be physically and emotionally traumatic too. Things change when kids come along. Instead of fighting it, learn to accept and adapt, and appreciate the change of pace and joy that new life can bring.

Dalila

Q: Hey Ladies, I totally admire your art and how you all carry yourselves. I on the other hand have low confidence. I have a cute little body with a side tatt, which isn’t completely done. I recently got married to the man of my dreams, and all I can think about it how much I need to improve how I look to keep him happy.

I used to have the biggest fire inside me that drove everyone wild around me, but since I’ve had a little girl (15 months old now) and a crappy job, I’m plain worn out and saddened with my passion upkeep. I need help keeping my personal flame lit. I need my confidence back so that I can truly keep my man happy and satisfied!

A: Well first off I just want to personally thank you for saying you admire the ladies here at SG. There are some truly beautiful women here –– with all kinds of body shapes and sizes, and from all walks of life –– and I personally find it gratifying to see a site showcasing so many different and unique women.

In regards to your question about how to keep your personal fire lit (which is something you should be doing for yourself as well as your man), I happen to 100% understand where you are coming from and can see why you have lost your spark. When you were a bit younger, you were spunkier. It was easy to be spontaneous, have fun, and be a social bird. But being married and having a kid completely changes one’s lifestyle, however that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

No matter if your lifestyle has changed or not, women need to be socially connected. We thrive off our emotions and interactions, and when you have a child and are no longer going out as often, you begin to feel you are losing connections and friends etc. And because our social life is not as crazy as it use to be, we tend to get depressed and sad that we no longer feel like the same person.

I can relate. I have horrible health issues. I no longer feel like the active social butterfly who everyone used to love anymore. I had to learn that just because I have to live differently –– and therefore view myself differently –– doesn’t mean people see me differently. This is something you have to realize too. People still see the great in you. You just have to find it again.

In terms of a marriage, I often see or hear how one person gets so comfortable with the relationship and their significant other that they let themselves go. Also, when you’re constantly putting your child first, it’s naturally harder to find the time and the energy to look after yourself. Once you get into that cycle, you start losing self-confidence and can get depressed, which makes it all the more harder to be motivated to look after yourself. But I also am glad to hear you make a statement that you know you have a cute little body. So deep down in you somewhere you know you are a beautiful woman.

You have had a lot of stressful, yet amazingly wonderful, life events happen to you recently –– you got married and had a child. It’s not hard to understand why you are burnt out and tired. And exhaustion leads to negativity, which in turn makes you feel less confident than you once were. This really is more about you finding some time to devote to yourself. Go get your hair done and your nails fixed? Spa and hair salon days always make me feel confident and sexy again.

Are you in a relationship where you are able to take adult-only time once in a while? It’d definitely help if the two of you could get a baby-sitter so you can socialize, have fun, and reconnect in a carefree environment outside of the home, where you likely prioritize being good parents above being good partners. That way, he will see you as the girl you once were, and you will too! I know it is hard with a child, but even just one night every other week will allow you to feel like you are not becoming old and boring,

Finally, if you have a hobby or passion you love, pick it up again. When you are passionate and doing things you enjoy and that you are good at, you feel better as a person. When you’re productive in this way, you gain confidence, and will begin to feel whole again.

Do not give up. I really hope this helps! Have some fun!

Kraven

Q: First of all I would like to tell you that I admire you a lot and I love what the SuicideGirls are. Second, my English is very poor because my motherhood language is Spanish, but I will do my best in order to explain my problem.

I appreciate a lot if you can answer me. Thanks in advance for your time and of course for your advice.

A: Thank you, darling! And thank you for writing to us.

You’re 22. You are still very young. I often feel that relationships are over-rated, but it seems that you are not getting what you want out of these casual flings. Where are you finding these rude and disgusting guys? I can tell you right now that meeting guys at bars, or parties is not usually the way to go. I’ve always had the best luck meeting guys through my friends. That way you know they’re good people, and you have your friends to vouch for that. You can also try meeting guys at school, work, or the grocery store –– non-intimidating places, where people aren’t just looking for sex, like they are when they go to the bar. How are you approaching them? Sex should not be one of your first topics of conversation. Try small talk. You need to get to know each other before you can even tell if you want to take it into the relationship phase or not.

Are you really in love with them, or are you in love with idea of being with someone and being in love? Sometimes it’s tough to tell. It’s easy to fall too fast, but you can’t really be in love with someone until you truly know them. How long were you with these guys, and how quickly were you having sex? Maybe let the guy be the first one to say, “I love you”. It’s alright for you to feel the way you feel, but there are other ways of showing it other than just coming right out and saying it. Little surprises, bringing him lunch, giving him a massage –– I’m sure you can think of a billion other ways to show someone you care for them. If you do say the “L” word first and he says he doesn’t care, well there’s your answer right there. Get out. There is no reason for you to stick around with someone that is going to treat you like that. You need to have confidence and respect for yourself, or no one else will. You have to know that you’re better then just a sex object and that you deserve to be loved. Because you do.

Unfortunately there are guys out there that do play games, and will trick you with nice words to get you into bed with them. I don’t really think there is any way to tell one from the other. All I can say is be careful, listen to your gut, and don’t jump in bed with any guy that gives you the time of day. Not that you are! I think you are on the right track when you said that you are going to be nice and sweet in the hopes that he will realize that he likes you. If he’s giving you those same vibes back, then maybe its time to take it to the next level.

Take things slow. If someone really cares about you, they won’t mind if you choose not to have sex right away. I know that love exists, but you have to be patient. Like I said before, you’re still very young. You can’t rush these kind of things. When it’s meant to be it will happen for you.

Good luck with everything, sweetie.

<3 Sassie!

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com