Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony1
Posted In All Things SG,Blog,Love,Relationships,Sex,Society
by SG’s Team Agony feat. Bailey, Rashel, and Vanessa
Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.
Q: I recently got out of an abusive relationship and I feel like I still can’t escape it. I moved three states away when everything disintegrated. He broke up with me via text message, in the same apartment, no less. We had lived together for two and a half years, and he was my life. Things got rocky towards the end, but as I was sexually abused and made to feel like my feelings weren’t valid, I came to accept that this was my path.
It’s been four months now. As soon as I moved away it was like a lightbulb came on and I realized that I was one of “those people” who deny and deny the abuse to themselves. It took distance and a broken heart to realize what I had wasn’t a relationship. I don’t know what it was, but it was not a relationship.
I’m glad to say I’m now in a wonderful, healthy relationship with a great guy. He loves me for who I am, and he knows about how my ex treated me and understands my trust issues and reservations. I am head over heels in love with him, and have been focusing all my energy on myself, firstly, and secondly, our relationship. I wasn’t giving my ex a second thought, until tonight.
I found out that my ex has deleted and blocked me from all his social networking sites. This is something I was considering doing myself a few weeks ago but I couldn’t bring myself to click the right buttons. I feel like I’m back at square one. This has made the end more final to me. Why am I upset about this? It’s just Facebook and Twitter –– this shouldn’t bother me at all. Plus, I am ridiculously happy with the man I am with. I definitely don’t want anything to do with my ex. I guess I’m just not okay with him deleting me from his life in such a brusque way, but honestly I wouldn’t want him involved as a friend either.
I’m just struggling with a lot of conflicting emotions right now. Half of me, my sensible side, is telling me to get over it, and it’s better now that there are no more constant reminders of his presence. But my other half, my heart, is telling me to nurse my wounds. Asking myself why he wants to know nothing about my life, why it’s so easy for him to erase me from any associations. Am I so easy to discard?
I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, and I’ve never asked for advice like this before. I’m an internalizer for sure… I guess I’m just seeking some guidance or a helping hand. I’m struggling to understand my own reaction, and that unsettles me.
A: Congratulations on getting out of a shitty relationship and into a great one! Even though you have moved away and moved on externally, the breakup is still only four months old, so it makes sense that your inner wound is still healing. Don’t judge your feelings.
Honestly though, your ex did you a favor. Why would you want any connection with someone who abused you? You were right in wanting to have done the same yourself weeks (if not months) ago. You never followed through. Why is that? Perhaps if you had you’d have felt like you controlled the situation, as it is, this is one last hurt he has done to you, which is perhaps why it still stings. I think you need to focus on YOU, and why YOU couldn’t have hit the ‘block’ buttons yourself.
Take your focus off of HIM, how he blocked you, why he blocked you, and feeling hurt. Take control of your emotions and focus on why you were unable to take him 100% out of your life. This is how you will learn and grow as a person, allowing you to grow and learn in your new relationship.
Good luck and godspeed,
Q: I don’t know what to do. I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years and we now have my 14 year old daughter from my first marriage living with us. We used to bonk like bunnies when we first got together but for the last couple of years our sex life has diminished. It’s not that I don’t enjoy having sex with him, I do, but it feels like that’s all he ever wants from me.
If he’s got a hard on, its time for sex, and if I don’t comply he gets angry and throws a fit. I’m just not in the mood and don’t feel close to him like when we were first together. He’s always working, sleeping or making plans with his friends. I feel like our family is the last thing on his mind. He doesn’t understand we can be intimate in other ways. He doesn’t really try to get me in the mood. I’m tired from working graveyard, being a mom, softball, and all he cares about is sex. It’s a total turn off. What do I do?
A: First of all you should be honest with yourself, do you really need him? It seems that this man doesn’t need you – except for sex. So what’s a problem? It seems that he’s tired of the relationship, takes you for granted, and wants to spend more time on his own and with his friends than with you.
Given his anger when you don’t comply with his sexual demands, I take it talking is not really an option. At this point the relationship seems at the very least verbally abusive, and it could be time to make a break. Try to move somewhere with you daughter for a while. Do you have friends or family you could stay with?
This will give him a chance to reflect on his unacceptable behavior, and decide if he really needs you and is willing to change, be more considerate and spend more time with you. If he’s not, you should move on and find someone better, someone that will take care of you and your daughter and that can make you happy. It will be hard, but, given you daughter’s age, it’s better to make a break with a man who is proving to be a bad father figure now than later. Ultimately it’ll be a change for the better.
Good luck!
Q: I’m 22 years old and a mother of a two and a half year old. I recently got married to my boyfriend of nine years and nine months. He is also the only person I’ve ever had sex with –– I lost my virginity at 17.
So here’s my question: When I started being sexually active up until the time I had our daughter I was basically a nympho. Anywhere, any time, any way. But for roughly the last two years I’ve been totally turned off. Not by anything specific, just completely. I feel really bad because I know he wants/needs it, but I just don’t like it anymore.
Obviously I’ll have sex with him but I don’t enjoy it. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or knows how to fix it. Also I’ve been on the Depo-Provera birth control and was wondering if that could have anything to do with it, or if I’m just broken. I’ve even told him that if he wants it he can find another sex partner. Am I just stressed out and tired from working and being a mom? Am I broken? Is it hormone production, or lack thereof? Or is it something else? I need help.
A: First of all, big hugs to you, sweetie. I think it’s amazing you’ve been with your husband for so long, but that might also be the problem, unfortunately. Things do change over time, and it’s common for desire to wane in long term relationships.
My last boyfriend and I were together for a long time and, like you, I just stopped enjoying sex after a while. At first, we’d have sex up to five times a day. But I’d say about a year down the line, it just became the same old thing over and over again.
It’s really good that you’ve let your partner know about it and you’re not just going along with it and being unhappy inside. Is the sex hurting you? Or is it just boring? Is he doing anything to try and make you enjoy it – going down south, trying some toys, using that KY lube that’s supposed to make your lady parts feel extra tingly? I mean, don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with (I’m down with anything but anal –– a few guys have tried and they’ve been punched in the face!), but trying new things might spice things up again, and, even if it’s only temporary, at least YOU will have some fun as well.
Are you masturbating? Or is that not doing it anymore either? I don’t think you’re “broken” by any means, but having had two children, obviously your body has changed. Also, since you’re now on birth control, that may be affecting your hormone balance. Given your concerns, I definitely think it’s worth discussing them with your doctor. That way you can rule out any underlying medical issues. You should also ask your doc if it’s worth trying an alternative form of birth control, if you feel like the one you are on may be having an adverse affect on your libido.
Once you’re ruled out any physical issues, it then might be worth trying some marriage counseling and/or sex therapy? I think you both would really benefit from that. I’m sure it’s awkward, haha, but it could help to get to the core of why you’re not into sex anymore.
Good luck with everything, love. I’m sure things will be better. Maybe your nympho is just in hiding for a while. Exhaustion alone can do that to a girl.
I just wish I was able to help you more!! <3 Vanessa
Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com
