Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Eevie, Morgan and Fabrizia

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I have a female roommate whom I’ve lived with for a few months shy of 6 years. The kicker is the first two and a half of those years we were dating. Eventually we both realized we weren’t forever and had a very amicable break up. Since neither of us could afford to live alone, and we could obviously tolerate living together – we’re still great friends – we’ve continued being roommates (we even moved once and are planning another). While she’s been dating fairly regularly since our break-up, I’ve just recently started dating again (been working on me stuff). My question is this: when do I bring up the specifics of my living situation? I’ve been pretty open about my roommate being a lady, but can’t decide when it would be best to mention she is also my last girlfriend. Suggestions?

A: Congrats on being back on the market! While your roomie’s role in your past assuredly has some significance to you and her, any new girls that you meet weren’t around to experience this significance firsthand, and therefore the situation probably won’t appear to have as much gravity to them as it does to you. People tend to pick up on others’ vibes, so as long as you keep any conversation regarding your ex and your past relationship casual, a new girl won’t have any reason to have any concerns regarding your living situation. Most people understand that people and feelings change, and the fact that you were able to resolve such a potentially volatile situation so peacefully and rationally shows a lot of stability in your character and your ability to gracefully adapt to these changes.

So basically, if you approach the topic in the right way, girls will perceive your living situation as a testament to your ability to free yourself from baggage. On the other hand, if you approach it as if you feel like it is baggage, or as if you feel like she would be justified in thinking it is baggage, she’ll perceive it as such.

I don’t think there is a specific time that’s best to mention the ex factor. If it comes up in conversation, or a girl asks you specifically, be open about it, but don’t get her too involved in the details. I think that the point at which it becomes your duty to tell a girl about it, unprompted, would be when a new romantic relationship becomes serious. At that point, I feel like it’s important to clear the air, so that the new love interest doesn’t find out about it on her own and potentially become suspicious that you’re keeping secrets from her. Make it clear that you’re telling her this for that exact reason, otherwise your good intentions may be misinterpreted. Until that point, it’s really none of her business, and she isn’t likely to treat it as if it were.

Hope that helped!

Eevie
xoxo

Q: I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since 1991. When younger, I was able to work through it as a Virtual Reality Developer. Problem is the career – job regardless – required me to work 7 days a week, 10-24 hours a day for 8 years. I was treated poorly and not paid salary by one company, ruining my credit to date. After this, I’ve been unemployed since 2002, and have been unable to find a new career I can do with my anxiety, so I’m broke, living with a relative.

I’m now turning 39. I’m a tech geek and gamer. I’ve had one relationship in my life and sex a handful of bad, woman-petrified-or-embarrassed-by-sex times. I’m not well endowed, and there are no safe ways to change size. I have nothing in common with 40ish women. I’m only attracted to women 34ish and under. I also want kids, and don’t want to be a stepfather or adopt.

Right now, I see myself as ending up alone for life – that bad sex in 1997 being the last contact I’ll have with a woman. I don’t think that’s a life worth living. Any hope?

A: Your frustration about your situation is palpable, and as someone who also has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I empathize. It seems as if you do feel that your chances of finding love are hopeless, but I don’t think they are. Here are some suggestions:

1. You say that you have trouble finding ways to meet women. Try to focus more on finding ways to socialize with people in general, keeping in mind that when you do so you might also meet a woman who shares your interests. Now I know this can be very difficult for someone with anxiety issues, believe me. Perhaps you could start out getting involved with online gaming forums or other sites where you’re interested in what people are talking about. From there you could move on to finding IRL groups in which you might meet people. Remember, you don’t have to go to bars, clubs or parties to meet someone. You could join a book club, take a class in something you’ve always wanted to learn about, join a gaming group, or any number of other options. Look for people who share your interests and you just might also find a woman who does as well. If your goal is to socialize in general, that might help to alleviate your anxiety about socializing with women. And when you’re feeling like you’d rather just stay in and not deal with people (and believe me, I understand the feeling) remind yourself that you’re doing this for YOU, to make your life happier and more well-rounded.

2. You mentioned that one of your worries, sex-wise, is that you’re not well-endowed. As a woman who has had frank sex talks with many, many female friends, I can tell you this may feel like it should be an issue, but it really isn’t. If you are caring and attentive to any lover you might have, that’s what’s important. It’s a myth that women always prefer well-endowed men.

3. Beyond the specific size issue, you also seem to have a more general issue with self-esteem, which is reflected in your concerns about your career and limited finances. Remember, many people are in this situation right now, and a good friend or girlfriend will not judge you for it.

4. You also state that you’re working on losing weight, which is not only good for your physical health but may help you feel less depressed. It is also a very fair thing to do, since you mention that you’re not attracted to over-weight women; it shows that you are working to meet the same physical expectations you’d like your partner to meet. However, in dating you will never find the “perfect” person, so keep your options open and don’t limit yourself too much.

5. Most importantly, keep in mind that having a partner will not make your life instantly happy. This may sound counterintuitive because what you’re wanting most right now IS a partner, but it will help you in the long run. If you are aware of this fact, you won’t come off as feeling desperate to find someone or as expecting a partner to solve any issues you might have.

6. Finally, the tone of your letter did make me worry a bit, because I feel like you might be a little bit depressed. If that’s the case, speaking to a professional about this might also be of help. A counselor who works specifically with anxiety disorders can do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence! Many cities have professionals who work on a sliding scale so you don’t need to worry as much about being able to afford it.

Morgan

Q: This is my dilemma: Is love worth the pain or is it supposed to fall into place? I’ve been in love with someone for 4 years, and I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough. He’ll always pick another girl over me until he gets tired of her and keeps coming back to me. What’s hard is, I hear what I’m saying, and the obvious solution would be to do away with him. But he found me, he hunted me down in the beginning of it all, and the things we have in common, the way we think, the way we perceive the world, our heroes, its all the same. I feel like he’s my soul mate, but when is too much pain enough?

When does the nice girl get a nice guy? He blames his lack of commitment for anyone because of what an ex (a girl he cheated on to be with me 4 years ago) put him through, but his actions lately make him look careless and impulsive. Yet the way he defends his actions, he’s very well spoken, he is able to twist it around and make it look like he has a low self-esteem and ultimately make girls swoon over him.

I’m not sure if you are a Nine Inch Nails fan, but the way he acts is exactly the way one would imagine Trent Reznor acts. I mean it’s ridiculous how similar they are. That emotional, dark, mysterious, and quiet persona is one he attains. He draws people in just to drop them. He strings girls along and he gives himself away to anyone that will listen. My heart breaks every time I try to communicate with him, because immediately I realize that time changed him. No longer am I the girl he adores, I’m just the shadow in the corner. So many things are easier said than done, I just can’t seem to piece my future together without him. Am I in love with him or am I in love with the pain of wanting someone so unattainable?

A: I think that deep down, you already know what I am going to tell you, but you are afraid to admit it to yourself. This guy is no good for you. Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is about mutual respect, and from the sound of things you are not getting much of that at all.

You say that he keeps picking other girls over you, and comes back to you when he gets tired of them. How do you know that these girls aren’t getting tired of him? It sounds to me like you are making it way too convenient for him. He is treating you poorly – because you are letting him step all over you. This guy does not have respect for you because you continue to let him back into your life after he continually hurts you.

I also think that the fact that this guy is unattainable creates more of an attraction towards him for you. Ask yourself what it is about this guy that you really love. Are you attracted to him because he seems mysterious, dark and emotional? Or are you romanticizing this guy in order to justify his behavior?

Just think about what you said about him:”He draws people in just to drop them. He strings girls along and he gives himself away to anyone that will listen.” Does that sound like someone that has enough respect for you to even consider wasting your heart on? Do yourself a favor that will save you years of pain and needless suffering – drop him. If he comes running back to you, just remember all of those times that he hurt you.

You deserve someone who will treat you right. Don’t you think that you are worth more than being someone’s doormat? The right guy is out there. You will get over this guy! Trust me, one day, way in the future, you will think back to this and wonder what you were thinking! I know because I was like you, once. After four long, painful years, I did myself a favor and dropped a guy that was treating me like I was invisible. Guess what? I’m getting married in September to the love of my life, who I never would have met if I had stayed in that situation.

I hope you do what’s right for you.

Best of luck, and love.
Fabrizia
xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls crack team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com