Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Salome

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: About two years ago my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. Looking back, I realize that it wasn’t really a sudden breakup but a long-drawn out one (the last time I was at her apartment, about a month before she ended it, the sex was un-enthusiastic and she didn’t really initiate any cuddling). For about 3 months after the breakup I was in a pretty dark place, made worse by the fact that she didn’t want anything to do with me – odd because it wasn’t a bad breakup, just tough.

Thanks.

A: I am really sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds like she was an incredibly important person to you and the breakup affected you really badly. That kind of heartbreak is terrible for anyone to go through, and you have my sympathy for that.

However, I think that the solution to your problem does not involve contacting her. In fact, not only do I think you should eschew contacting her, but I think you should proceed with your life as if she has fallen off the planet forever and ever. Much like she did after you broke up, actually, and in a minute I’ll get to why that was a very good thing.

It sounds to me like a part of you has never given up hope that you’ll get back together. Maybe you don’t even realize this is what you ache for, and that’s why she stalks your dreams. You may think you want to get in touch with her to get some closure, or so that you can be “friends,” but it really seems like you just long to hear from her again, period. Honestly, why would she care what you’ve been up to since the breakup? What purpose would telling her this serve?

It’s been two years, and you haven’t done anything more than hug another girl! You can’t live in this purgatory anymore. You HAVE to let go of her. You need to tell yourself that you will never see her again, never hear from her again, and that you must reconstruct your life wholly and completely without her in it. And then you need to do exactly that. Contacting her would simply reopen the wounds that have never fully closed, and dreaming of what you would say to her when you see her again is what’s keeping them open. Let her go. Delete her from Facebook and Twitter, move all your pictures of her to an external hard drive then bury it in the back of a closet. She moved to Mars and there’s no wi-fi there.

You never made a clean break from her and this is why you have been unable to move on. This is why she “wanted nothing to do with you” after you broke up. She needed space to figure out how to live her life as an independent and healthy person, and she couldn’t do that with you, or reminders of you, or daily texts from you around to prevent that, especially if you still wanted her back. It wasn’t “odd” – it was exactly the right thing to do.

I’m not saying you can’t ever be friends in the future. Maybe you can. But in order for that to happen you have to become a strong, healthy, whole person in your own right again, and that includes not clinging to the hope that you might somehow work her back into your life. You need to do this for yourself and for your future relationships. Two years is a long time and it will probably be hard to undo these destructive ways of thinking on your own. I strongly recommended finding a therapist who can help you imagine a fulfilling life without your ex.

I understand how scary it can be to imagine life without someone you loved so much. My wife left five months ago and some days it feels like my heart will never be whole again. But it will, and yours will too. You just have to let it.

Good luck.

Salome

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com