Got Problems? Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony0
Posted In All Things SG,Blog,Love,Relationships,Sex,Society
by SG’s Team Agony feat. Perdita
Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.
Q. I’m 27, and I haven’t had sex. Apparently, this is noteworthy and some kind of BFD. I’m not religious. I’m not waiting for marriage. I just haven’t found someone I like and trust enough. When I was younger, my first serious boyfriend did not treat me well, which included some incidents that, looking back, were assaults, though not rape. So I think it’s understandable that after that, I’m not looking to care about someone, have sex with them, and then be treated badly. I’d rather get to know someone first, before getting naked and making myself even more vulnerable. I’d rather feel safe that that isn’t going to happen again.
I’d actually really like to be having sex, and I’ve wanted to for some time. But I can’t seem to find anyone I’m attracted to, who is also attracted to me, who’s cool with not stripping down immediately. I’ve dated several guys in the last couple of years, but when they want to have sex and I say I’d like to wait, they lose interest. No, I don’t explain my past experience, because I don’t believe I am obligated to give a good enough reason to postpone sex. A good enough reason should be, “I don’t want to yet.” I also shouldn’t have to fall all over myself reassuring them that yes, I will have sex with them at some point in the future, as if they’d otherwise be wasting their time dating me.
I haven’t had success meeting anyone at work or in my grad school classes, or anywhere else. I’ve asked friends, and no one knows anyone to set me up with. So my dating has primarily been guys I meet on online dating websites. Is there some hidden, untapped market for non-religious, smart, funny, feminist guys who don’t think you’re a nutjob if you don’t want bone them before you even know them very well? If so, please share, or tell me what the heck I’m doing wrong here.
Signed,
Ladypants.
A: Hi Ladypants,
First of all, I’m so sorry to hear you are a victim of assault; it’s a terrible ordeal that no one should have to go through once, let alone multiple times. Given your past experiences I understand why you are so cautious of trusting others, and you have every right to feel this way.
However communication is key in building a strong, trusting relationship, and it has to go both ways. Your personal information is your business, but I think it will be healthier for everyone involved if you are a little more forward in regards to your expectations of the relationship from the beginning. It’s possible to say: “I’m very interested in you, I would like to get to know you more, and I’m definitely physically attracted to you. But due to some past negative experiences, I would like to wait to have sex.” Be direct and honest, because a little bit of honesty and openness goes a long way towards building trust.
And while you shouldn’t fall all over yourself to reassure someone, I don’t think it’s unfair to have multiple discussions on the topic, because you’re not the only person in the relationship. It’s important to for the other person to respect your feelings, but you also need to remember to respect their feelings as well.
As for the sex issue, if you want to wait for the “perfect moment” that’s totally cool, but sometimes you can miss quite a few good opportunities that way. Ultimately you need to take your time, and do what’s right for you. Just remember that communication is key, and that it takes two people to make a relationship successful.
Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com
