Got Problems: Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From SuicideGirls’ Team Agony3

By SG’s Team Agony

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

[Salome in Pop Art Clash ]

Q. I’m 26, he’s 50. I really like him, he is respectful, thoughtful, humble, smart, funny, and just an overall wonderful person with good energy. We have been seeing another for about 3 months now. I was in a bad living situation, and I just moved in with him over the weekend. We both have every intention of this being temporary. I know my feelings will get stronger, as they already have in the last month. He occasionally makes jokes about our age difference, and I feel that it bothers him. I’ve never dated anyone even close to his age, nor did I ever see myself doing so, but it doesn’t bother me at all. I guess I’m just wonderingly what the chances are of things working out.

A. I’ve actually dated two people significantly older than me (as in 15+ years older) and both times I thought the age difference was much less of a big deal than the people I was dating. It sounds like a patronizing cop-out to say that someone that much older is in a much different place in life, and that their perspective is much different due to their years of life experience, but it’s the truth. Especially if there are factors such as ex-spouses, children, or challenging career paths in the mix, a large age difference may put a damper on how compatible the two of you are. It’s only as I’ve gotten older that I’ve realized how naive I had been to think that the age difference was no big deal.

You also have the added difficulty of living together while the relationship still has that new-car smell. Moving in can be a stressor for any relationship, and you two are still getting to know each other and figuring out your expectations of the relationship and each other. This is a big step, even if it’s temporary, and when you add that to feelings you say are intensifying this sounds like a relationship that’s getting very serious very fast. His jokes could be his way of gently expressing his discomfort without hurting your feelings.

Also – and this is a delicate, embarrassingly Freudian admission – but when you are a young woman dating a much older man there is the risk that the relationship may sometimes tip from strictly romantic into territory that is suspiciously parental. I spent a year and a half with a man 16 years older than me, and he also helped get me out of a bad living situation once. It felt a little like I was a teenager again and my dad was coming to get me out of detention. I was grateful, and uncomfortable.

This is not to say that your relationship is like mine, or that yours is doomed. You say that he is respectful, humble, and generally wonderful. You seem thoughtful and well-spoken. So you two should be able to sit down with each other and talk openly about what’s going on. You don’t necessarily have to sit him down for a State of the Relationship Address (awkward!), but at some point in conversation, maybe next time he jokes about your age difference, ask him to be honest with you about whether the age difference makes him uncomfortable. Be prepared for this conversation to lead to other topics that you need to be honest about, such as expectations. If you’re young enough to be his daughter, does he see a future in his relationship with you? And no matter what his answer is, are you on the same page?

The age difference alone isn’t a surefire relationship killer, but failure to be totally and consistently honest (in a respectful and loving way) is. So check in with him, encourage him to be open with you even on difficult topics and extend him the same courtesy. I hope that the two of you are not only compatible but have the same expectations, and that you find happiness with each other.

Good luck. 🙂

Salome

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[Atlea in Temptation Waits ]

Q. I’m 20 years old and I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’m attracted to everyone: boys, girls, transvestites, transgender, etc., etc. (pansexual). I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, so 20 years without a relationship and someone I can share my life with makes me feel really empty. Do you girls have any suggestions for ways to meet new people? Am I making too big of a deal out of not being in a relationship? I feel like being in a loving relationship would not fix, but improve the way I feel about myself and life in general. Thank you!

A. First off, let me say that it’s great that you are so open, and even greater that you know it. At 20, a lot of men and women are still on the fence about how they feel about themselves, let alone relationships, so knowing that much about yourself is a step in the right direction. It’s the hopeless romantic’s curse to feel like something is missing without a counterpart. It’s okay to feel glum about it sometimes, but it’s important not to let it become an obsession. Feeling like that constantly could hinder your chances of getting serious with someone, because you end up thinking more about the idea of romanticism rather than concentrating on what is actually happening. Relationships take time and they aren’t easy, but when it’s all said and done, they are so much better than a fling because you feel rewarded for the hard work you put in. It’s also very important to go into a relationship feeling confident about yourself. And you should be! You know who you are and what you want, so don’t be afraid to show it off! As for how to meet people, I suggest thinking about things you enjoy because chances are if you love music and meet someone at a show, then they’ll most likely share your interest, and that gives you something to build on. Go to your local SG group outings, maybe there’s someone on your friends list dying to be with you! Love is everywhere, you just have to keep an eye out for it. And remember that being in a relationship can make you feel great, but being comfortable with yourself will make you complete for life.

Atlea

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[Rydell in Changing Seasons]

Q. Hey just wanted to get some advice for a huge problem. I’ve been on and off with my ex of 4 years. We have a 2-year old son together. He recently kicked me and my son out, so I had to move back with my parents who live 9 hours away.

He said that he kicked me out cause this friend of his told him I was prostituting like her – she sleeps with men for money. I know her and I never liked her, but cause it’s a friend of my ex I couldn’t say much. I never did that, but now that I’m gone they are all saying lies about me to him and I’m sure he’s talking crap also with them.

I texted him and told him to leave me alone forever, and that he shouldn’t believe everything they say, but now I’m left with mixed feelings. I still care about him and I’m mad that they have the nerve to talk about me now that I’m gone. When I was there they all kissed my ass. What should I do? I haven’t heard from him at all. It hurts. We have a son together and because of these lies this hoe is saying he has been a total asshole ever since. Please help. I just have no one to turn to. Thank you for reading this. It means a lot more than u could ever know.

A. First off let me start off by saying I’m sorry you have to deal with drama – it’s never easy, especially with a child involved. Now to jump right into it, it ooks like someone is gonna have to be the adult in this situation, and that my dear is you! Seeing how you are bound to this person for the rest of your life because you share a child together, you need to make the best and most mature effort (even if he isn’t) to be a grown up – not to imply you are not being one.

When it comes a situation like yours, there will always be people who feel the need to interject themselves into the relationship, whether it be friends, family or significant others. Some people are just immature and unhappy with themselves and feel the need to bring others down. Sadly some people thrive off this kind of thing – which seems to be the case with this women. As much as you wanna scream at her and call her a Donkey’s Cunt and anything else you can think of, try to rise above it and not stoop to her level ’cause this will only cause strife between you and your son’s father.

It’s hard when people spread a lie or get into your business. That being said, sometimes we have to take a step back; Ask yourself, will what was spitefully said by someone else with the specific intent of hurting you truly matter a month from now? Or 6 months from now? A year from now? And will stressing yourself out over it do you any good? As hard as it is to not feel the anger and resentment towards others, in the end we are really only hurting ourselves by being angry at them or hating them. Truthfully I would feel sorry for her (she probably just has some envy and jealousy issues with regards to you).

As for him, well he needs to grow a pair of balls. If he wants a successful relationship with you or anyone else, he needs to learn how communicate directly with his partner – and to tell others to butt out. If he had a concern about something you did, then he should have asked you about it, rather than dignifying idle gossip by believing it and dealing with it by name-calling. And if he doesn’t have trust in you, you may want to re-evaluate if you want him in your life as a partner. I’m sure you think you miss him, but are you really missing him, or just having someone in your life and the relationship familiarity that you’re used to?

Hopefully, in the end, if you don’t show that it bothers you as much as it may, and if you show him you can be more mature than either of them, then maybe he will pick up on it and realize he is being twat. Mohandas Gandhi said it best: “Be the change that you want to see in the world.”

Hope this helps in some small way 🙂

Rydell

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Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls crack team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com