Just last week, New Jersey state senate candidate Phil Mitsch got in hot water for relegating his Tweet Deck to a Rules-esque motherboard. Forking up some much-needed dating advice to us ladies, he tweeted: “Women, you increase your odds of keeping your men by being faithful, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom.”
Now, people take to their social networks for a plethora of non-job-related things, including break-up announcements, play-by-plays of their nightly bar-hopping, or the new celeb fave –– the topless back shot. (Because I was having trouble sleeping before I knew that Demi Moore’s spine was, in fact, perfectly aligned.) So, in this post-Weiner world of penis-shaped chirps and pep talks like ex-IBM manager Joe Acuri’s alleged “get your boobies out and get sales” good-natured goad, is it surprising that a Republican runner uses his God-given patriarchal right to tweet to remind women that, at the end of the day, we are glorified school girls, maids, and hookers?
Unfortunately, the good girl/bad girl scenario, along with all of its glorious limitations, is still a pervasive tool used to denigrate the fairer sex and control women’s sexual prowess, and essentially, put us on mute.
In his defense, he did give men a similar maxim, offering them advice on how to keep their women by “being faithful, a gentleman in the living room and a stud in the bedroom.” Here’s the issue many women have raised: there really are no male equivalents to the word whore. And here’s why: men’s sexuality is celebrated. Women’s is not.
We are constantly convinced –– by media images, by social banter, by office politics, by government politics, by social politics, by gender politics –– that we are pleasurable tools for the male orgasm. We are pushed around, pleaded with, spread thin, paraded, scrutinized, insulted, disrespected, hushed, ignored, manipulated, blamed and won over because we simply don’t understand what it’s like to be “so horny” all of the time.
Here’s my question: if men have this ridiculous, unquenchable, non-stop, life-assaulting, all-consuming, never-ending sensual drive, need and extra energy –– why isn’t it being spent trying to make our lives easier? Why isn’t it used to arouse us to the level of desire they are living with? Why isn’t it lavished on us so that we can reach daily orgasm? Instead, women are society’s geishas.
For example, if I had an insane day of never-ending phone calls, job assignments, housework, personal preening, fires to put out, etc. and then came home to find that my partner had had a breezier day, wouldn’t it make more sense for him to coddle me versus the other way around? The same can be said of this seemingly invisible sex drive that women are supposedly inflicted with.
Only, we actually have a similar drive for sex. We just happen to be more discerning in wielding it. Plus, we are so sick of religion, patriarchy and men’s judgments that sometimes it’s hard to get it up. (Not to mention, some of us are actually still brain-washed by these factors.) We are so up in our heads about it that sex has become this suppressed, twisty, confusing, numbing, crazy manipulation that we sometimes use against y’all. Or each other. Women –– I’m not counting us out. I’ve never been so judged by anyone than I have been by other women; because really, by society’s standards –– I’m a nymphomaniac. (And proud of it.)
I love sex and sensuality and porn and by-products of estrogen, testosterone, aphrodisiacs and sex-related endorphins so much that, really, some days, it’s all I friggin’ think about. I masturbate three times a day some days. I use dating sites like Facebook. I have at least five guys I can call on any given night to hitch a ride on my shooting star, and leave promptly after. Plus, I’m in my early-30s, and supposedly at my sexual peak. This is my excuse for a high-sex drive. Because, here’s the thing – apparently, I need one.
I need an excuse because I have a vagina.
A few tid-bits about me: I began masturbating at age 9. I realized I was bisexual at 12. I began having fantasies about older men, leather-clad women and bondage and dominance before I took my SAT’s. I have more lingerie and sex toys than a Manhattan hooker.
But, I’m also picky as fuck. I have had half the sex partners of any New York Magazine Sex Diarist. My imagination is my greatest weapon against pregnancy and a loose vag.
And my girl friends? They are amazing. Open-minded, lovely, sexual, fun and cool as long as I don’t talk too loud or too much about being a single, sexy, smart L.A. gal. It’s OK as long as it’s in the front room closet.
Shit I Don’t Understand
While I love the altruism in Mitsch’s age-old adage (who, according to his website, is a “mortgage expert” not Dr. Ruth), the problem herein lies with the complexity of the human condition. Men’s sexuality to be more exact.
While it’s a fact that both women and men cheat, for the sake of this argument, let’s keep the focus on the chaste woman and the free man. Men cheat and oft times it has less to do with how warm his meal is when he gets home. I’m gonna go out on a limb here (and reel me in if I’m bein’ overly-ambitious), but somehow, in our outdated, presumptuous, old-world existence where monogamy is king and keeping women on a string is the norm, I don’t think that men who cheat are doing so in direct response to their wife offering or not offering up an additional hole or a Hot Toddy when he’s sick –– as Mitsch’s idiom suggests.
Is it possible, that he’s doing so because he fucking wants to? Because our puritanical view of sex is something that even he is sick and tired of? That he felt pressured into marriage and a single partner by the same dictating forces that we succumb to daily? That he’s a victim of his own Frankenstein?
Read more next week, when I delve into the other side of the coin –– women proselytizing to other women about whom they should be in the bedroom. And what we sluts can do about it.
Post-feminist sex and sensuality expert Darrah de jour is a freelance journalist who lives in LA with her dog Oscar Wilde. Her writing has appeared in Marie Claire, Esquire and W. In her Red, White and Femme: Strapped With A Brain – And A Vagina columns for SuicideGirls, Darrah will be taking a fresh look at females in America. Visit her blog at Darrahdejour.com/srblog and find her on Facebook.
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