Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk – Sexual Intercourse (And Doing It For The First Time)3

by Blogbot

Described as “the most irresponsible book written on the subject of sexuality since The Berenstain Bears Host a Key Party” by late night icon Conan O’Brien, Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk is arguably one of the most unhelpful sex manuals on the market today. Authored by The Association for the Betterment of Sex (which is comprised of a gaggle of current and former Daily Show, Conan O’Brien, Vanity Fair, and Onion writers), it features at best plain bad advice and at worst utterly inaccurate facts. On the plus side, the 232 page compendium of copulation disinformation is as amusing as it is misleading.

In an effort to perpetuate their procreation propaganda The Association for the Betterment of Sex and Broadway Books have kindly allowed us to reprint the excerpt below. Please note: SuicideGirls will not take responsibility for unwanted pregnancies that may result from following any of the instructions below.

SEXUAL INTERCORSE (AND DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME)

You’ve fulfilled your unspoken and contractual obligation to engage in foreplay. Now as you and your partner stare at each other’s open, glistening nakedness and prepare for the beautiful act of coitus, you both wonder: What next? Do we just run at each other from opposite sides at full speed and violently collide in the act of lovemaking? Yes. In essence, that is it. (Please consult our previous self- published book, Advanced Sexual Positions, as Developed by Leading Military Experts in the Fields of Extraction and Rendition, Poolesville Press, 2006.)”

THAT FIRST TIME:
A NIGHT, AFTERNOON, OR CAR WASH TO REMEMBER

The memories that last, the ones that stay with us even when we’re elderly and not sure if the fork we’re holding is real or something in our dead cat’s dream, often involve significant firsts. A lot becomes fuzzy over the years, but nobody who’s old enough will ever forget where they were when they saw Neil Armstrong walk on the moon or what exactly they were doing when President George W. Bush wasn’t shot. Why? Because that first time changes you.

Even if your first time was not among the tens of thousands recorded each year by ABS drone planes, it’s safe to say that if you’re reading this you’re probably no longer a virgin. However, a few of you are holding out for that perfect soul mate or just someone who’s able to endure three or four thrusts’ worth of whatever it is you secrete from your pores when nervous. Or maybe you’re just a bit confused, and, as we’ve all learned, it can be frustrating receiving five different answers to your highly personal virginity questions at five different post-office windows. So let’s start at the beginning.

What is virginity, and what does it mean to lose it? The answer might seem obvious, yet 3 percent of people who think they’re losing their virginity are actually knitting or getting a haircut. So, for the record: Conventionally speaking, to lose one’s virginity is to engage in sexual intercourse for the first time. In cultures where a woman’s virginity is considered a prize, the presence or absence of a membrane over the opening of the vagina is often used as an indicator. It can be misleading, as this thin lining (the hymen) can be perforated by such everyday activities as riding a bicycle or masturbating with a decorative candlestick. The virgin penis, of course, is easy to identify by the hard outer casing that encloses it like an oyster shell and that eventually dissolves. (To see this process up close, please buy or rent the 1964 nudist film But Charlie, I Don’t Play Volleyball.)

Now that you understand the mechanics, let’s talk about getting that initial sex act right. To begin with, please realize that your first partner probably won’t be the person you’ll eventually marry. Rather, he or she might “attend” college in a faraway state or only sleep with you as a test of willpower akin to not pulling one’s hand away from an open flame. Also, be sure that the setting is conducive to lovemaking. No matter whom you’re with, you’ll never have fond memories of the event if you’re getting frisky somewhere PETA was gathering clandestine video footage just two hours earlier.

Something to consider: You won’t always know when the magical moment is upon you, so it’s a good idea to carry a blanket, a pillow, sheets, and a box of smelling salts (optional). These items can turn any ten-meter diving platform into an on-the-go honeymoon suite. And be sure the location is at least reasonably private. Look around before you begin. Is there a good chance you’ll be interrupted by passers-by on the beach or by the other Stonehenge tourists? Are there any stowaways on the catamaran you just made off with? There’s more to the first experience, of course. Have you thought about the musical choices? Mood music is extremely important and can be very, very helpful, especially when the music is coming from the stereo and not from blowing trumpet noises into your tightly clenched fist.

Consider the following listening selections above all others:

SONGS TO POP YOUR CHERRY TO

• “This Jesus Must Die,” Jesus Christ Superstar Soundtrack
• A Pink Floyd song with sound effects of a World War II plane bursting into flames
• Audiobook of Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers
• “My Mummy’s Dead,” John Lennon
• “Catchin’ Beavers by the Misty Bayou,” Lynyrd Skynyrd
• Terry Gross on NPR (gotta be played loud!)
• Kaddish, the Jewish prayer for the deceased
• The opera Mozart wrote about the cuckoo bird
• The opera Beethoven wrote about his border collie
• “I Felt Like Smashing My Face in a Clear Glass
  Window,” Yoko Ono
• “Theme to Roots,” Doc Severinsen
• “Where Is My Home?” Czech Republic national anthem
• Anything by Mandy Patinkin (recommended: “Brother,
  Can You Spare a Dime?”)
• “How’d You Like to Marry a Man with No Feet?”
  traditional, banjo

Excerpt from Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk by The Association for the Betterment of Sex (Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, and Ted Travelstead). Reprinted by kind permission of Broadway Books, (c) 2010.