Teledildonics: The Future of Sex by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist0

When SuicideGilrs last spoke with The Daily Show’s Senior Women’s Issues Commentator, Kristen Schaal, she was in the process of doing exhaustive research for a sex guide she was penning with her boyfriend, Daily Show staff writer Rich Blomquist. Two years later, after much sweat, tears, soiled sheets and general stickiness – their rigorously field-tested manual, The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex, is in stores. In this excerpt, Schaal and Blomquist take a peak through a Glory Wormhole to give us an incite into the future of sex.

In the future, you’ll be having the best sex of your life, and your partner won’t even be there. No, you won’t be masturbating (at least not every time). You’ll be fucking each other thousands of miles apart with the help of remote stimulation devices known as teledildos.

A technology still in its infancy, teledildonics combines the latest advances in communication with the crude vibrating, sucking, and “massaging” mechanisms we’ve used in sex toys for the past hundred years. The result: no longer is your distance from your lover during sex limited to the length of the penis. Now, you can be literally millions of penises away and still fuck each other’s brains out-just don’t expect any cuddling afterward.

What does it all mean? It means that in the future, the dorky kid who claims to have a girlfriend in Canada may not only be telling the truth, but also getting more action than you, teledildonically.

Here are just a few forms this genital-exciting new technology could take:

oPHONES

Let’s face it: so-called phone sex isn’t sex. It’s masturbating with a phone in your hand. And if your phone-a-friend-with-benefits isn’t good at talking dirty, you’re tempted to call 911 and report a violent crime: your genitals being bored to death.

Thankfully, teledildonic telephones, or dildophones, will change all that. Featuring either a penile antenna or a vaginal input port, these kinky communicators will boast a vibrate mode five hundred times more powerful than anything on the market today. Meaning that your future lover may be whispering sweet nothings, but you’ll definitely be feeling some sweet somethings . . . and they will rattle your astro-fillings with ecstasy.

Yet for all its promise, dildophone technology faces three major obstacles:

• Dropped calls could result in blue balls.
• It’s likely you’d get annoying unsolicited orgasms from teledildomarketers (probably during dinner).
• Sitting on your phone and accidentally dialing your parents would technically constitute incest.

Are oPhones basically vibrators? How dare you! They are vibrating phones you hold against your crotch, something only imaginable in the future.

ROBOSEXTING

It’s the future and you’re relaxing, reading the cyberpaper in front of a roaring gamma fire. It’s another quiet night at home. You’ve had a lot of them lately with your girlfriend out of the galaxy shooting that big-budget holomovie with George Cloney.*

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the portal. You open it to find a sexy robot, looking more or less like the lover for whom you’ve been pining. Before you can say a word, it shoots laser beams out of its eyes and vaporizes your technozipper. As your futuristic silver pants fall to the floor, the unannounced android’s mouth begins to glow with a soothing orange light. Then, with passionate metal eyes, the machine lurches toward your-

This is the basic concept behind the remote-controlled sex machines of the future known as robosexters. The term is based on “sexting,” the early twenty-first-century practice of using mobile phones to send regrettable photos and declarations of horniness to future ex-boyfriends. Robosexting expands on this notion, only instead of blurry shots of your initials shaved into some crazy girl’s pubic hair, it’s a sexy metal messenger that’s traveled thousands of miles to deliver the orgasms your partner couldn’t give in person.

A robosexter’s program determines exactly how it goes about doing this. Early versions might let users string together routines of preprogrammed sex acts (e.g., LAP DANCE, HAND JOB, HEART-SHAPED HICKEY, REPEAT), while advanced models will allow for more personalized messages (e.g., that “thing” you do with your “thing”). This level of detail will require “teaching” the robot with a motion-capture suit, or possibly just fucking it the way you want it to fuck. This, however, is dangerous territory, given that there’s no quicker way to make a robot fall in love with you.

* After his death, actor George Clooney will be cloned using the copious amounts of leftover DNA in his bedroom. The result of this experiment and all subsequent dashing replicas will be named “George Cloney.”

GLORY WORMHOLES

No matter how lifelike robosexters become, in the end you’d still be settling for a bucket of bolts that may or may not be secretly planning to murder you and steal your lover. The ideal teledildonic would let you actually be there, cutting the jealous robot out of the equation and allowing you to get some faraway poonanny in the flesh. This is the thrilling concept behind glory wormholes. A glory wormhole is a hypothetical phenomenon that provides a shortcut to a distant part of the universe, but is only big enough to accommodate something the size of a penis (even then posing a significant risk of time-splinters). Sound crazy? That’s because it is crazy. It’s sticking your cock into a rift in the space-time continuum and hoping someone or something a million light years away will give you a hummer.

From a teledildonic standpoint, the first impulse might be to somehow mani-pulate glory wormholes so you could control where they go. But even if this were possible, would it really be the most exciting way to use them? Your penis could travel to the farthest reaches of the known universe, experiencing pleasures not yet conceived of by our primitive human brains. Even if there were nothing on the other side, the vacuum of space would put any penis pump to shame. Knowing all this, would you still want to bother your out-of-town girlfriend with a disembodied, intergalactic hard-on right in the middle of her big business presentation? Probably not.

As if the prospects weren’t already exciting enough, glory wormholes could also let your penis travel through time. By accelerating your end of a wormhole to a velocity approaching the speed of light, anything that entered (e.g., your penis) would exit at a point in time prior to its entry. Meaning, at least in theory, you could get a blow job from Marilyn Monroe, Cleopatra, Hitler’s mom, or even a younger version of yourself (assuming you cruised glory wormholes during your “experimental phase”).

Yet for all the mysteries of glory wormholes, one thing is certain: if they do exist, they make for some very happy worms.

Excerpted from The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist, a volume which is self-regarded by its authors as the “ultimate guide to getting your rocks off.” Don’t do it without it!

Reprinted by kind permission of Chronicle Books. Text (c) 2010 Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist. All Rights Reserved.