The Gentleman’s Guide to The Friend Zone5

by Coyotemike

It’s been a long time, Gentlemen. But it seems you are still in need of my guidance in all things Gentlemanly. So, I am back. And I’m here to talk to you about a very scary and serious place: The Friend Zone.

Or, more specifically, I’m here to talk to you about how you are the one sticking your own head in that particular trap, time and time again.

What is the Friend Zone?

That’s a good question, Timmy. Now, go play with the plutonium.

The Friend Zone is that dreaded situation when you meet someone you like, but for whatever reason, you become their friend instead of their romantic interest/bang-buddy. Signs of Friend Zone include:

• Cuddling, but no groping
• Long talks about relationships
• Casual attitude toward modesty, but no intimate contact
• Shopping
• Shared hotel rooms, but not shared beds
• Inclusion on “Girls’ Night”
• Favors of a non-sexual variety (plant watering, animal care, etc)
• Girl-farts

You may find yourself wondering “How did this happen?” When you first met her, you were very interested in her, enjoyed spending time with her, and might even have visions of miniature versions of yourself exploding from her vagina.

So, what happened? Well, you made yourself into her friend. Let’s look at a horribly overblown scenario that may well illustrate this.

Meet Trekka*

Cute, right? She loves dogs, photography, rats, and getting naked for no reason. You met her a few weeks ago, exchanged phone numbers, and have met for coffee a couple of times. You’re working up the courage to ask her to dinner when the following conversation occurs.

Trekka:

“I am so excited! I just got tickets to the Captain Bob Transvestite production of West Side Story in Boston next weekend. But I don’t know if I can go. Buster [her dog] just went to the vet, and he has to take medication every day for the next three weeks. He can’t travel, so I don’t know if I can go.”

You:

“How about I take care of him? I love dogs!”

Trekka:

“Would you really? That would be fantastic! I’ll bring him over on Friday.”

Guess what? You’re now in the Friend Zone. While you’re pushing a suppository up a dog’s butt, Trekka is falling in love with Captain Bob, whose real name is Roberta Jones, noted male impersonator, who will take her up to Canada to meet her parents and enter into Canadian Gay Marriage.

Lets run the scene again, and see if you can spot the difference:

Trekka:

“I am so excited! I just got tickets to the Captain Bob Transvestite production of West Side Story in Boston next weekend. But I don’t know if I can go. Buster just went to the vet, and he has to take medication every day for the next three weeks. He can’t travel, so I don’t know if I can go.”

You:

“Well, that kinda sucks. I heard that is a really good show. What sort of options do you have?”

Trekka:

“Well, my roommate offered to take care of him. She’s going to vet school, so I suppose she’d be able to handle him. Plus, my sister is coming to town over the weekend and is borrowing my bed while I’m gone. Buster loves her. I just worry about him. He’s my bud, ya know?”

You:

“Yeah, I get that. But I’m sure, between the two of them, Buster will be well taken care of. So, how did you get tickets for this show?”

Trekka:

“Oh, I won them on the radio…”

Did you spot the difference? Let’s look again. In the first go around, you swooped in to solve her problems, and give extraordinary help, above and beyond the time and level of intimacy of your relationship. You took on a favor that only a friend would do, and before you know it you’re going to be getting sobbing phone-calls about how Captain Bob keeps drinking champagne out of the leading boi’s navel during intermission.

In the second version, you let her solve her own problems, then created another level of connection by talking about a shared passion (transvestite show tunes). Since she knows you’re into them, she may well come back with stories to tell during your next get-together – and it gives you an opening to invite her to the all-transvestite version of Oklahoma that is coming to town.

A great deal of this has to do with respecting women as people. I understand (due to being a dude) that men like to fix things. We like to solve problems. But, unless actually asked, women really don’t need us to solve their problems for them. Trekka didn’t ask you to take care of her dog. She merely mentioned that she had a problem. She had the solution at hand, and once she talked it out, she made her decision. She didn’t need a hero; she needed a pair of ears.

But why does this lead to the Friend Zone? The easy answer is Time. You’ve known Trekka for only a couple of weeks. You are not, as of yet, either friend or boyfriend. You are person she is getting to know. When you offered to take care of her dog, she probably thought “Wow, what a great friend.”

Now, this is by no means the only way someone enters The Friend Zone. There are so many variables that will determine a relationship. You might be F.Z.ed because:

• She is in a relationship
• She just got OUT of a relationship
• She’s into chicks
• She’s an avowed celibate
• She doesn’t date guys with 11 toes

But the real, true, main reason anyone ends up in The Friend Zone is because they put themselves there. If you act like her friend, you will be her friend. If you don’t tell her that you want to take her roughly from behind in the shower, then go for pancakes, you won’t.

If you want to avoid the Friend Zone, there are some simple steps:

• Be direct. Ask her out on a DATE
• Be honest. Tell her you’re interested in her
• Be respectful. Listen to her, don’t try to “fix” her
• And, above all, be a Gentleman (no whining allowed).

* No actual women were emotionally harmed during research for this article. All conversations with Trekka are fabricated. See more of Trekka, including her recent hopeful set, Sail Away, at SuicideGirls.com.