The Long Distance Relationship Bible2

by Matt Dunbar

Valentine’s Day always wins. No matter how many times we protest the holiday as the sinister conspiracy of the Hallmark-Russel Stover-Pajamagrams industrial complex, or cite its offensively apocryphal origins (St Valentine wasn’t really the patron saint of love, but actually a divorced, sexually incompetent pharmaceutical salesman from New Jersey), Valentine’s Day always comes out on top. At the stroke of midnight on February 15th, we will either be desperately relieved to be lying next to the person we love, or dismayed that the search will require still more time, effort, and Smirnoff.

But while pretty much terrible for everybody involved, Valentine’s Day is especially cruel to one particularly wretched subspecies of the romantically forlorn: the long-distance dater. Convinced for God knows what reason that the only person on Earth they are compatible with requires a TSA patdown to reach, they attempt to defy the basic laws of physics, human behavior, and testicular depression. While their single brethren troll bars and parties for some holiday-induced hookup, those in a long-distance relationship celebrate the 14th by blocking out an extra hour on GChat with their significant other before retiring to their cold, empty and depressingly underutilized twin mattresses.

As anyone who has been in a long-distance relationship (LDR) will tell you, empirical or anecdotal support of success is hard to come by. When telling friends, or attractive members of the opposite sex you feel guilty talking to, that you’re “doing the long-distance thing,” the reaction typically ranges from “Oh, that must be so hard” to “God, I could never do that” to the always-encouraging “Why?” Some will selflessly offer their own cautionary tale of how their seemingly committed LDR ultimately crumbled at a software expo with an open bar or when Rush played the House of Blues.

But fear not, long-distancinites! LDRs are the orchids of the romantic world -inherently frail and delicate, but capable of exquisite beauty if tended with the right combination of honest communication, patience, and borderline excessive masturbation (in my opinion, not possible). Your humble correspondent has survived more than a year in a relationship separated by 2,000 miles, and with adherence to a few simple commandments has successfully avoided a break-up. I have crafted these rules in biblical form mostly to emphasize their importance, as well as a reminder that long-distance relationships date back to the Old Testament, when Adam patiently waited for Eve to return from her summer in Madrid so she could “find herself.” I also really, really liked True Grit.

[Rylee in Missing You]

Thou Shalt Not Tolerate Sloth on the Interwebs:
The internet has rendered long-distance relationships much more feasible than they used to be, although perhaps slightly less romantic. Handwritten professions of love involving stacks of sepia-toned paper, frequent use of the words “Dearest” and “yearn,” and euphemistic descriptions of dysentery were indispensable to the LDR’s of yesteryear. Now the sweet sorrow of long-distance love is more often expressed over text fights when Words4Free won’t recognize “quiff” and give you a triple-letter score.

As with all things web 2.0, social media can be a double-edged sword. Facebook and texting in particular breed lazy and half-hearted communication, which often leads to accusations that the relationship’s passion is fading. So put some fucking effort into your wall posts! One handy trick is to use the letters that Civil War soldiers sent home to their wives as your template, and then simply change a few relevant words here and there. But please, avoid the mistakes I’ve made and only use letters from Union soldiers! A copy/paste job from a Confederate could lead to some awkward confusion with minority friends.

Thou Shalt Grow Wide in Girth and Large in Ass:
What do all successful long-distance relationships have in common? Cellulite. Packing on 50-70 pounds is probably the simplest, quickest road to a long-lasting LDR. Carrying around some extra weight ensures not only that you lose your appeal to the opposite sex, but that even given the opportunity to cheat the risk of heart attack or stroke is far too high to take. Moreover, the process of gaining an unhealthy amount of weight can be surprisingly fun. After running out of every conceivable topic of conversation within the first six months of phone calls, seeing who can polish off a container of Jiff the fastest on FaceTime is often just the spark needed to keep the relationship feeling vibrant and new. Growing fat together will also give both parties a glimpse of what they’ll be awkwardly straddling for most of their middle age years. If that seems acceptable – that is, if you’re future husband is more Jack Black than John Goodman – the long-term health of your relationship rests on a solid, albeit fudge-based, foundation.

Thou Shalt Remember How Terrifying Awful Single Life Is:
The sheer specter of voluntarily purchasing a meal for another person while listening to anecdotes about undergraduate life at Vassar should be reason enough to consider permanent chastity, let alone preserving an LDR. Yes, Valentine’s Day and possibly New Year’s are likely more enjoyable for those who can physically spend them with a loved one, or the singling and mingling. However, for long-distance daters, every other day of the year involves so much less putting on pants and leaving the apartment, that we win by a landslide. The fundamental obstacle here is finding easy ways to remind yourself how much single life really sucks. Ironically, this can be easily accomplished by reserving one evening a month for “going out” with your single friends and soberly observing their behavior. Yes, you may have broken your own record for days spent wearing the same pair of sweat pants last November, but at least your Saturday nights don’t involve ingesting as much sweat, Jäger and Axe Body Spray as they used to. An evening along drinking Franzia and watching House may seem pathetic to some, but an evening out meeting real people named Franzia and House is far worse.

Thou Shalt Focus on the Good Sex You Have Rather than the Sex You Don’t :
The secret about LDR’s is that when you finally do get to see your loved one in person, the sex is usually really, really good. Every emotion you’ve felt while separated (longing, nostalgia, jealousy, anger that Words4Free totally screwed you over on “quiff”) gets released by your finally liberated libido. This rather underreported aspect of LDR’s is perhaps best conveyed by the sex scene between Paul Giamatti and Laura Linney in HBO’s John Adams’ miniseries. (I can’t find the link to a video by the sex scene is hilarious, it’s got Paul Giamatti! Please let me know if you can find it!!!)

The only problem with this commandment is that it doesn’t work. Neither do all the convenient LDR sex substitutes – sexting, sex chatting, naked pics and videos, jointly writing an episode of 30 Rock erotic fan fiction. Nothing takes the place of true fluid exchange with your partner. The only thing you can really do is look forward to the next time you’ll see them, and hope you can last until then. If the pain is excruciatingly bad, just book a flight and surprise them. It is better to have loved and lost a non-refundable fare than to spend another hour on YouPorn.