Sep 2010 07

by Angelita

I won’t lie, I love vampires. I’ve read all of Anne Rice’s vampire novels, watched just about every vampire movie there is, even all the lame 80’s ones, and I’m still slightly convinced vampires could possibly exist. However, the world seems hell bent on ruining this little internal pleasure of mine. 

First, they made Vampires teen-friendly, which is just the epitome of lame. What the hell kind of vampire wants to spend eternity going to high school?

If that wasn’t bad enough, now vampires are pro-abstinence. A pro-abstinence vampire is an oxymoron; vampires survive via penetration and sucking. If that’s not sexual, I don’t know what is. Then, vampires came out of the coffin and became mainstream on True Blood. So now I have to share a common interest with screeching preteens AND their parents.

Still, I held on, and replaced Lestat with Eric Northman in my myth-based sexual fantasies. Then, one day at the sex shop, we received a shipment that officially ruined vampires for me: vampire themed sex toys. For women, the Tantus’s Vamp, a white and sparkly realistically shaped dildo. For men, the Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, a male masturbator that resembles a vampire’s mouth.

What happened to using your imagination? For the love of Dracula, I’m pretty sure Edward Cullen is technically under-age. Also, I think becoming a vampire effectively ends your days of giving a successful blow job. We’re talking about a creature who survives on sucking blood putting an appendage that swells with blood into their fanged mouth.

Despite the faulty logic, the Tantus Vamp and Fleshlight’s Succu Dry are actually really awesome toys. The Vamp is made out of extremely body-friendly materials and the Succu Dry felt pretty good to my finger. I show both toys to every customer that walks into my store. At first they laugh, agree that the vampire obsession has gone a little too far, and inevitably end up buying one or the other.

So, if you are not suffering from vampire burnout like me, and your Edward Cullen shrine just doesn’t feel complete, vampire sex toys might just be for you.