by Laurelin

God damn this blinking cursor in front of me, mocking me. Usually a blank page sits in front of me and I feel calm, able to take a deep breath and start over with a refined touch and total control over my words. But not lately. Now I feel so much anger and hurt that I can’t even see anything besides a black swirl, all my words pouring jumbled out of my bloodshot eyes. I’m tired. I’m tired of working six nights a week and two days, sometimes having a day off here and there to fulfill an obligation to someone else rather than myself. Rushing to the train, rushing to the next state, rushing to meet a deadline when all I want to do is collapse. I am just exhausted. And no one is here to catch me as I’m falling to sleep. No one is there when I wake up. How can someone be in a relationship and still feel so alone?

I always tell my friends that as happy as I am with this new guy, I can’t help but have this sinking feeling that it’s just going in a really odd direction. I spend a lot more time feeling alone, lonely and missing him, than I do happily next to him. Working at the bar doesn’t really allow much time for dating. We got to know one another at work. We talk about bartending. We talk about booze. We drink beer. We stay up late and drink. I wonder what would happen if someone removed beer and the bar. We would have…Nothing. Which means that essentially, we have nothing to stand on — it’s just liquid to stand in. It’s horrible to even type, but it’s been filling my head lately that what I have is simply nothing at all.

I got drunk the other night after my shift while he was working and with a little bit of liquid courage down the hatch I gave him a quick quiz. “We’ve been dating for three months,” I said. “What’s my favorite color?” He looked confused.

“Uh… red?” He said.

“No. It’s pink. But I guess you wouldn’t know that,” I said, turning up my nose. He looked baffled for a minute and then wandered off. I dropped the subject.

I try, I really do. What days off do we both have this week? Maybe we can fit in lunch one day before we go to work. For some reason, nothing ever seems to work besides work. How is it possible that one person in a relationship can be happy with only sharing smirks over a beer tap or holding hands after I finish day bar in the brief time before he comes on to work the night shift? Don’t people need to have sex, sleep in, go see movies, go to dinner, meet each other’s families? I can feel myself getting weaker, becoming someone who chases after someone else, and I can taste bile rising in the back of my throat — that girl makes me sick. I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone to spend time with me, especially someone who calls themselves my boyfriend. How did this happen? How did I become this person and how do I get rid of it? Make her go AWAY. This girl is not me.

Part of me just has to laugh about all of this. I was in a relationship and not the happiest. I got dumped, I was sad. I found the silver lining, started dating, met idiots. Met an idiot that I liked. Thought he was different, new relationship, new problems, not the happiest. Damn you bar scene, damn you. My head is spinning, and I keep thinking back to a few weeks ago when my roommate and I went to go see a psychic. I don’t really believe in that junk –– fate, dead spirits and energies and all that –– but I don’t exactly not believe in it either. So, if for $30 someone can talk to me about stuff I don’t understand, sure, let’s have at it.

The psychic was probably just over 30, a few years older than me. She said I was creative, and that I spent too much time dwelling on past relationships and that I needed to learn to let things go. (Who doesn’t that apply to.) Then she said she didn’t really understand my current relationship. She looked confused for a minute and said, “He doesn’t know you. He thinks he does, and he thinks you’re great. And you ARE great. But…he doesn’t really know why you’re great. It’s not going to last. You’re going to end it, and you’re going to say, ‘You’re not even going to miss ME,’ and he’s going to be so upset, but you’re right.”

I hate to base my argument on why a relationship should end on something a psychic told me. But it’s like…this stranger just added a strange validation to my argument. Nothing solid to stand on, only our bar scene. Beer. Late nights. Liquid. I don’t chase after anyone, it’s not my style. Running however, that’s right up my alley, and luckily, nothing runs better than liquid.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rydell

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: So my ex girlfriend (who broke up with me) unblocked my number and started contacting me again and started showing up at my house randomly. After having a few weeks to deal with being single I found I didn’t mind it, but now my ex is trying to get back with me and I’m confused as to what to do. Part of me doesn’t want to go down this road again, while another part of me doesn’t mind giving it another shot. Should I just tough it out and tell her I don’t want anything to do with her, or give her another chance? Thank you for your time and input.

A: Well honestly I think everything happens for a reason, whether it be that you get back with your ex or not. But I think the break up happened for a reason and you should examine why she felt she didn’t want to be in the relationship, and if you really want to get back into it or not. Usually second chances in relationships just don’t work out. Granted they can, but you both have to be very invested into making it work the second time around.

You need to sit down and weigh up the pros and cons of getting back into it versus staying out and starting fresh with another person. You also need to figure out if anything has changed that will make it more or less likely to work out a second time around. You may find some surprising answers, which will help to make your choice a bit easier. Just step outside of yourself and try to look at it from someone else’s point of view with no emotional attachment. Yes, that is hard, but it helps when making a better educated choice on your part.



I wish I could offer more guidance on this, but I don’t have enough info on your relationship dynamic, so I can only send you a wide range response, but I think it will get you on the path you need to make the right choice for you.

Rydell

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Daniel Robert Epstein

Joan Jett is the ultimate leather-clad, punk-rock icon. Her early hits were instrumental to the evolution of punk rock, and especially to its crossover into mainstream music. After over 25 years in the business, this bad ass composer is still rocking out with her band, The Blackhearts. I got a chance to talk with Jett about their latest album, Sinner, while she was out on the road with the Warped Tour.

Read our exclusive interview with Joan Jett on SuicideGirls.com.

AnnaLee Suicide (pictured here with GoGo) in The Wolf Caught The Bird

• INTO: Living a good life.
• NOT INTO: Cars, television, cigarettes, meat, drinking culture, negativity, superficiality and people with no imaginations or desires.
• MAKES ME HAPPY: Reading and collecting books, drinking tea, solitude, ornithology and natural history, listening to the radio, baking cakes, my cat, pockets, mindpower, sleeping, the sea, old-fashioned museums, etymology, entomology, marzipan, walking and cycling, equality, understanding, compassion, passion, good manners, hermit crabs, olives, peace and quiet, the sky and meteorological phenomena, drawing, painting, churches, foxes, nature taking over man-made things, wall paintings, bees, stoicism, cats and dogs, cinema, hot baths, cooking and food (eating is the best!), gardens and wild places, lochs, rivers and anything wet, plants and trees, perfume, cardigans, grey, being a stranger in new cities, unusual encounters with other creatures, marmalade, moths, butterflies, fresh air, bioluminescence, collecting things, adding to the tattooed aviary, being productive, cold climates, wallpaper, mosses, lichens, positivity, sewing, film soundtracks, the changing seasons, red hair, pickles, whiskers and paws and cats purring, cephalopods (especially cuttlefish!). Ah, life is great.
• MAKES ME SAD: When my family are unhappy. How little we care about non-human animals, our planet and each other. People not living life as well as they could do. The fact that work, productivity and consumerism overtake life – I hate the way our society is structured. Wasting time, negativity, physical and mental illness, intolerance, cages, ownership.
• 5 THINGS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT: A book, a quiet place, fresh air, hot tea, and of course music.
• VICES: Book buying, but that’s probably not too unhealthy. I am also addicted to expensive chocolate – that is ever so slightly unhealthy.
• I SPEND MOST OF MY FREE TIME: In a book.

Get to know AnnaLee better over at SuicideGirls.com!

by Blogbot

Every week we ask the ladies and gentlemen of the social web to show us their finest ink in celebration of Tattoo Tuesday.

Our favorite submission from Twitter wins a free 3 month membership to SuicideGirls.com.

Check this week’s winner is:

From Twitter:

In keeping with the Fall theme of our Question and Photo Gallery of the Week, @maulieplyers wins with this collage of leaves.

If you haven’t won this week, don’t forget that you can enter each week until you do, so good luck next Tuesday, and happy inking!

A few things to remember:

• You have to be 18 to qualify.
• The tattoo has to be yours…that means permanently etched on your body.
• On Twitter we search for your entries by looking up the hashtag #TattooTuesday, so make sure you include it in your tweet!

Check out the Tattoo Tuesday winners of weeks past!

by Steven-Elliot Altman (SG Member: Steven_Altman)

Our Fiction Friday serialized novel, The Killswitch Review, is a futuristic murder mystery with killer sociopolitical commentary (and some of the best sex scenes we’ve ever read!). Written by bestselling sci-fi author Steven-Elliot Altman (with Diane DeKelb-Rittenhouse), it offers a terrifying postmodern vision in the tradition of Blade Runner and Brave New World…

By the year 2156, stem cell therapy has triumphed over aging and disease, extending the human lifespan indefinitely. But only for those who have achieved Conscientious Citizen Status. To combat overpopulation, the U.S. has sealed its borders, instituted compulsory contraception and a strict one child per couple policy for those who are permitted to breed, and made technology-assisted suicide readily available. But in a world where the old can remain vital forever, America’s youth have little hope of prosperity.

Jason Haggerty is an investigator for Black Buttons Inc, the government agency responsible for dispensing personal handheld Kevorkian devices, which afford the only legal form of suicide. An armed “Killswitch” monitors and records a citizen’s final moments — up to the point where they press a button and peacefully die. Post-press review agents — “button collectors” — are dispatched to review and judge these final recordings to rule out foul play.

When three teens stage an illegal public suicide, Haggerty suspects their deaths may have been murders. Now his race is on to uncover proof and prevent a nationwide epidemic of copycat suicides. Trouble is, for the first time in history, an entire generation might just decide they’re better off dead.

(Catch up with the previous installments of Killswitch – see parts ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, and SEVEN – then continue reading after the jump…)

[..]

by Savana Delacroix

I’ve had more Moby in my life in the past two weeks than I seemingly have in years. It started with a trip to the musician’s Destroyed photo show at the Kopeikin Gallery in Culver City. A collection of large format audience shots taken from the stage, each print captured the sweaty, ecstatic and sometimes confused (or perhaps just high) expressions of concert goers under a kaleidoscope of lighting. The almost fish eye effect to each photo gave the prints a surreal aesthetic. As we carefully studied each giant print, my friend and I developed a very fun game called, “Where is this audience from?” As usual, the Americans seemed to be the easiest to spot.

Moby, part deux came courtesy of Peter Hook’s show at the El Rey. Performing with his band Peter Hook and the Light, the former Joy Division and New Order bassist tackled the entire Unknown Pleasures album with aplomb. Joy Division are truly one of the rare holy grails in music, a band everyone tries to sound like but few can truly do justice to. I’ll be honest, my expectations going into the show weren’t exactly high and thankfully, they were far exceeded.

[..]