by SG’s Team Agony feat. Dalila

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I am in a relationship with a woman whom I love dearly and generally we are very happy. My only complaint is that she has a secret social life. For instance, she doesn’t work on Tuesday, but she will be gone all day and come home after I get home. If I ask what she’s doing, she says I am out of line, even if I am just trying to make conversation. She has a group of friends that she does happy hour with and I am not allowed to meet them and I know nothing about them – not even their names. Asking about them has caused a couple of fights so I have let it go. I am also not allowed to know where they meet for happy hour.

These are the same questions that make her very upset when I have asked them. I am not concerned that she might be cheating on me. I trust her. What really bothers me is that she feels like she needs to keep secrets from me. I really do not have any secrets and, except when she asks about my time in Iraq, I will tell her anything. I think people that keep secrets have something to hide. What do you think?

A: I don’t think that a person who keeps secrets necessarily has something to hide. People can decide to tell or not to tell, and sometimes they choose not to because they simply prefer to keep stuff to themselves. And there’s no clear evidence of seediness here.

Just think: what happened last time you had a relationship and you and your significant other had common friends? Usually, when couples split, friends are split too. There are the ones who stay with the girl, others who stick with the boy: but the original gang is often, sadly, no more. Your girlfriend might have experienced this kind of thing before, and, as a result, prefers to keep her closest slice of friends strictly to herself. Then again, she lets you join her and other mates, so perhaps she just wants to be herself with one particular set of friends. Maybe she wants to vent a bit in a safe space, with friends she really trusts. I’m sure there are things you’d prefer not to tell your parents, or you workmates, or your mates, even your girlfriend. Think about those. You wouldn’t go for sex advice to your grandma, would you?

It’s also true that sharing every single moment of the day brings most relationships to an end, so you should cherish the fact that your girlfriend is not the super sticky type. It’s actually a healthy sign that she has her own friends and interests; you’ve gotten yourself a woman, congrats! And a little mystery can be a good thing. Not sharing every little, tiny, weenie thingy is the best way to keep your companion awake and interested. Don’t sweat, it’s a good sign!

Cheers,

Dalila

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Brad Warner

A guy called Mister C asked the following question via Twitter: “Doesn’t Buddhism count homosexuals as sexual deviants?” I’ve already addressed this issue at length in my most recent book Sex, Sin, and Zen: A Buddhist Exploration of Sex from Celibacy to Polyamory and Everything in Between and even right here on SuicideGirls. But I’ll address it again, because clearly there is a need to since the idea persists that Buddhism believes gays are deviants.

There is no Buddhist Bible somewhere out there in which it is written that a man shall not lie with another man as with a woman or anything like that. That’s the short answer. And now the long one.

The main reason so many people believe that Buddhists consider homosexuality to be deviant is because of statements made by the 14th Dalai Lama. In 1997 in an interview with Dennis Conkin of the Bay Area Reporter, the Dalai Lama is reported to have said, “Buddhist sexual proscriptions ban homosexual activity and heterosexual sex through orifices other than the vagina, including masturbation or other sexual activity with the hand. From a Buddhist point of view, lesbian and gay sex is generally considered sexual misconduct.”

One thing that needs to be clarified right from the outset is that the Dalai Lama is not the Pope of Buddhism whose decries form the official position that Buddhists everywhere must follow. He is, in fact, merely the head of one particular sect of Tibetan Buddhism, the Gelungpa lineage. So he’s not even the Pope of Tibetan Buddhism, let alone all of Buddhism. Other Buddhist lineages like Zen, Theravada, Pure Land, Nichiren and so on don’t recognize him as their spokesman or leader. I, personally, rarely pay him much attention.

I’m guessing that the “Buddhist sexual proscriptions” he refers to are the ancient rules for monks (both male and female). The first Buddhist monastic order was expected to practice celibacy. Apparently some of Buddha’s monks thought this meant only that men were forbidden to have sex with women. They figured it was permissible for men to have sex with each other and that hot girl-on-girl action was also fine and dandy. So Buddha had to educate them by specifying that “no sex” meant no sex at all by clearly stipulating homosexual acts as also being no-no’s for monks.

But that was meant only for monks. As far as laypeople were concerned there were only four types of sexual acts that were specified as wrong. In an ancient sutra about Right Action the Buddha is quoted as saying that a Buddhist, “avoids unlawful sexual intercourse, abstains from it. He has no intercourse with girls who are still under the protection of father or mother, brother, sister, or relative; nor with married women, nor female convicts; nor lastly with betrothed girls.” Although this statement is made from the male perspective, it is understood the same applies to Buddhist laywomen.

As for lesbian and gay sex being “generally considered sexual misconduct” by Buddhists, that really depends on who you ask. For example, the San Francisco Zen Center, one of America’s largest contemporary Buddhist organizations, is extremely gay friendly. They run a lot of workshops and retreats specifically geared toward the LGBT community. Many other Buddhist communities both in the West and in Asia are similarly open-minded.

There are ancient scriptures that do specify certain acts we consider to be homosexual as being misconduct for monks. And I think this is what the Dalai Lama was referring to.

But when looking back at ancient scriptures, one has to be careful not to read contemporary definitions into them. The word “homosexual” is of very recent origin. Its first known appearance in print occurred in 1869. It wasn’t clearly defined until about a decade later. See here for further details. The Indian, Chinese, Japanese and even Tibetan Buddhists of pre-modern times had no concept of homosexuals or homosexuality as we understand those terms today. Neither did Biblical era Jews or Christians for that matter. But we’ll leave that aside.

For Buddhists, sexual behavior was not really an issue in and of itself. It only became an issue when it interfered with Buddhist practice. Thus, monks both male and female were forbidden to have sex not because sex was considered evil or wrong, but because it interfered with the single-minded pursuit of Buddhist meditation to which they had committed their lives. They were also forbidden to eat after noon, to sleep in luxurious beds, to listen to music, to go dancing and so on for the same reason.

These days the rules are usually far less strict. In Japan, monks are even allowed to get married. The more severe rules are observed during training periods and then dropped when monks leave to go to their own temples. When it comes to lay people there really are no rules at all.

However, there is a set of precepts that all Buddhists adhere to across the board. And the third of these is generally given as, “Do not misuse sexuality.” But there are many interpretations as to what constitutes misuse of sexuality. It is generally left up to the individual to determine for himself or herself what is and what is not a misuse of sexuality. Even the Dalai Lama seems to agree with this. In a 1994 interview with OUT magazine he is quoted as saying, “If someone comes to me and asks whether homosexuality is okay or not, I will ask ‘What is your companion’s opinion?’. If you both agree, then I think I would say ‘if two males or two females voluntarily agree to have mutual satisfaction without further implication of harming others, then it is okay.'”

When Buddhists live communally it is sometimes necessary to agree on a specific definition of sexual misconduct. Some Buddhist communities opt for strict celibacy. Others do not. The San Francisco Zen Center, for example, encourages its residents to engage only in committed monogamous sexual relationships. You can get kicked out of their residential communities for violating this rule. But you won’t get kicked out for being gay. That’s for certain. Though you might get the boot for being too slutty in your gay-ness.

So, no, Mister C, Buddhism does not count homosexuals as sexual deviants. Though certain prominent Buddhists, like the 14th Dalai Lama, do.

***

Brad Warner is the author of Sex, Sin and Zen: A Buddhist Exploration of Sex from Celibacy to Polyamory and Everything in Between as well as Hardcore Zen, Sit Down and Shut Up! and Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff that you can click here to see.

Brad Warner will be speaking in Los Angeles soon.

March 10, 2012
10 AM – 3:30 PM
Hill Street Center
237 Hill St.
Santa Monica, CA 90405

March 15, 2012
7:30 PM – 9:00 PM
Against the Stream
4300 Melrose Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 90029

You can also buy T-shirts and hoodies based on his books, and the new CD by his band Zero Defex now!

[..]

by Darrah de jour

Unless you live under a rock, or were raised in a Big Love-type compound, then you’ve probably heard of adult film star, sex positive activist, author, hottie, feminist, and nurse, Nina Hartley (or at least fawned over her ass, unknowingly). She was a guest on SuicideGirls Radio earthier this month, and was so astoundingly on-point about sex and sensuality, that I couldn’t help but probe her some more. She’s been in hundreds of adult films, played William H. Macy’s wife in heat in Boogie Nights, and appeared on Oprah in defense of blue movies; but what stands out most is her eloquence. Listen in as Hartley describes open relationships, commodifying oneself in the name of success, and where Jenna Jameson may have gone wrong.

Darrah de jour: I read that you said, when you got into the adult business, you were blessed with two popular fetish items: “Big, baby-blue eyes and that round butt with a high, small waist.” Your butt become your trademark – one of my career goals, I can’t fail to mention! But what caught me, was your use of the word “items.” How much do you have to commodify yourself when marketing you in the adult industry (not unlike show biz)? Are you detached or disembodied ever during performances?

Nina Hartley: No more or less than any other entertainer. It’s helpful to understand one’s impact on the target audience. In my case that was going to be heterosexual men. I understood that eyes are the feature that men notice first and I’ve long known that “big baby blues” are considered a positive, feminine feature to possess. I went blonde because our culture views blondes as “the prettiest,” and I wanted to stack the deck. If I had had big, brown eyes I’d have gone for a dark auburn color. I didn’t have to commodify my ass, as that’s done for me by men’s unbidden reaction to seeing it displayed nicely. I find it sweet and cute, as they seem to regress to teenagers around it, and I have compassion for all those frustrated young men. Like any woman I can find “fault” with this or that aspect of my physical appearance but I also know that others don’t share my issues. So, if I just shut up about it they never notice. It’s been a good lesson.

Ddj: Jenna Jameson co-authored a book, How To Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale. Subsequently, during an interview with Anderson Cooper, Jenna said that if her daughter wanted to be in porn, she would “tie her in the closet. Only because this is such a hard industry for a woman to get ahead and get the respect that she deserves. I fought tooth and nail to get to where I am, and it’s not something that I would want my daughter to go through. It’s not something that any parent would choose for their child.” I understand you didn’t have an interest in having children, but can you sympathize with what Jameson is saying?

NH: Absolutely! The life of an entertainer is very hard, and the life of an erotic entertainer even more so, as there’s no social benefit to that career choice. Jenna is, financially, the most successful woman ever to make adult movies and it came at a very high cost, both public and private. It’s a stigma that never leaves you and her kids will have to deal with it. It will make their adolescence very challenging, though they’ll come through it enough to appreciate her in the long run. I make porn because I’m queer, which Jenna is not, and because I have a bigger message about sex that I needed to disseminate, which Jenna never did. She wanted to be famous and she got it, but I don’t know if it made her happy or not.

Ddj: Jameson wrote in her book, “I was willing to do anything to be someone who everyone loved. Looking back on it, it was just a new type of insecurity replacing the old one, and I was giving myself away to the needs and expectations of the public instead of the needs and expectations of the men in my life. It was just a new form of dependence developing. And it was equally detrimental to any sort of emotional stability.” Do you think sex work can be an addiction?

NH: I don’t believe anyone can be “addicted” to something that is not chemical. I know it’s unfashionable to say so, but I come from an older, medical model. So, no, I don’t think sex, or sex work, can be an addiction. That doesn’t mean it can’t be dreadfully harmful to those who do it.

I think any behavior can be used to avoid or ignore deeper emotional crises or conflicts. Work, drugs, drink, shopping, exercise, eating disorders, compulsive (fill in the blank), and, yes, sex, can, and are, used to stuff feelings, avoid responsibility, do self-harm, be an acting out of deep emotional issues of anger, alienation, rebellion, loneliness, etc.
When one’s life is out of control it doesn’t matter about the what. It does matter about the how and the why.

Ddj: Jameson also wrote, “I never take the time to feel the effects of my choices. Maybe it’s because I would be ashamed, maybe afraid. I realize I have avoided my pain for as long as I can remember. As life goes racing by me, all the while my soul goes on with sickness. Yes, sickness. It feels like it’s ailing. Because the one that should be nursing it is too busy trying to succeed and be accepted. I’m certainly scared that if I try to fix what has broken in me, so long ago, I may not succeed. So I go on faking that I am whole, proud, and strong…” Do you feel like you came into the adult industry feeling healthy and strong? Do you think that wholeness can be fostered there or is hard won?

NH: I did come into the industry feeling healthy and strong. Don’t forget, I was a full seven years older than she was when she started. I came from an intact family. I grew up in a time (the ‘60s and ‘70s) and place (Berkeley, California) that gave rise to second wave feminism so I had exposure to those ideas, as well as the new thinking about sex, sexuality, and sexual expression. I had a college education, as had my parents and my grandparents. I was never beaten. I did well in school and never missed a day. You get the picture. I was more self-aware than most who stumble into porn by accident. My low self-esteem was manifested by my unhealthy relationship off camera. On camera and on set I was strong. It was only when I went home that my life was BS.

Ddj: How serious is substance abuse in the adult film world?

NH: No more than the entertainment industry as a whole. Some are sober. Some are casual users and some have problems with over-use.

Ddj: Despite Sharon Mitchell’s valiant efforts with the now defunct AIM, before it closed, there were several HIV scares, one as recent as 2011. How much anxiety did you have going into the industry, and at various times in your career about the risk of contracting an STD?

NH: I didn’t have a lot of anxiety about STDs, as I know that they’re a risk for any sexually active person. I was sexually active before I got on camera and would have remained so if I had never made a movie. As a nurse and a practical person I believe in the risk-reduction/harm mitigation approach to sex work. There is probability and possibility and I decided, in 1984, given how porn is shot, that the risk of contracting HIV on a set was acceptable to me. I just made sure I didn’t engage in known high-risk behaviors: letting men ejaculate inside of me, doing needle drugs or having sex with those who did, working with gay or bisexual men, refraining from anal sex, making sure I didn’t work if I had vaginal abrasions, etc. If I had been super-scared about STDs I’d not have made movies in the first place. STDs are a risk for any sexually active person and I accept that. I mitigate my risk in other areas by not smoking, making sure to wear seat belts, not drunk driving, not sun tanning, eating healthfully, etc. In the end, we’re all going to die. My favorite bumper sticker: “Life: Sexually Transmitted and 100% Fatal.”

Ddj: Adult film crossover star Sasha Grey stated that her guest starring role on HBO’s Entourage was not wholly unlike filming on a porn set. There was just more blocking. Let’s talk about your role in Boogie Nights. How was that experience for you in general, and how was it similar or different from making an adult film?

NH: Ms. Grey is correct. A movie shoot is a movie shoot is a movie shoot. It’s simply a matter of budget. When I did Boogie Nights we sometimes had as many as 15 takes of one scene. In porn we’re lucky if we get three. We have a snack table, Hollywood has multiple catering stations, etc. Even the micro-budget movies, where the stars do their own makeup, etc., still have two to three weeks to film. The average full-plot feature (as differentiated from gonzo or scene-by-scene shooting) is still only two to three day’s worth of shooting.

Ddj: I’ve noticed that a lot of adult film stars – Sasha Grey being one of them – are devoutly atheist. On the SG Radio show, you said that you are atheist as well, and I wonder, do you think somebody could be in the adult industry – in any facet – and be spiritual or religious?

NH: Many adult performers are believing Christians. I know some company owners are members of their church or temple, and many are raising their kids within a religious tradition. I’m not quite sure how the Christians mentally balance the monogamous/adultery aspect of making movies, but the one couple I know who publicly claim their faith manage the mental gymnastics by saying that work is not love, and that they only love their wife/husband. OK, if you say so. There are lots of performers who claim to be “spiritual” though. Lots of them do yoga, etc.

Ddj: You are openly bisexual – yay, so am I 🙂 And you’re in a polyamorous marriage. I am very interested in how you’ve negotiated this with your husband Ira Levine?

NH: His nom de porn is Ernest Greene, just so you know. We just both knew that, when we got together, that being open was part of it. We met in 1989 when he was the assistant director (AD) to Sharon Cain. I liked him right away, for many reasons. We had an affair from ’91 to ’92, when I broke it off to go back and “work on my marriage.” I already knew it was dead but wasn’t ready to face that fact and break it off. If I had to do it over again I’d have gone home the first day I met him and given notice to my exes. Oy.

Ira’s and my first sexual encounter was as part of a threesome. He was politely watching Ms. Cain and me fool around on the living room floor (very unusual for Ms. Cain, as she preferred gay men). I saw him discretely masturbating and said, “Would you like a blowjob?” Being no fool he said yes, and we enjoyed ourselves very much.

What makes Ira perfect for me is that he has a complete lack of jealousy or sexual possessiveness. Our having an open relationship was a prerequisite for becoming a couple, as I had decided that I’d be single for life and have cats and lovers before I’d ever mate again with a jealous person.

I don’t think I own my partner’s genitals and I can’t have as a partner anyone who thinks s/he owns mine. We’re one of those very rare couples that play together with others as well as having solo play dates with our friends. I know his romantic life is with me but there’s a lot more to his inner life than romance and it’s important that all of his sexual nature get to come out and play, even if it’s with someone else. The sex we have alone when he’s been with someone else previously is smokin’.

Ddj: You had a really funny quote that you are now working with women younger than your breast implants. How are you treated differently now that you are in the MILF category versus ingénue?

NH: If I’m treated differently it’s because I’m a veteran of many years standing. I usually work with young men and women because the genre likes playing with extremes and contrasts: skin color, age, size, etc.

Ddj: Has your sex drive waned over the years, or remained strong?

NH: Since most of my sex drive is in my head, it’s as strong as ever. I’ve rarely, in my life, been genitally horny. When I’m alone I rarely masturbate but if I have a potential partner who wants to get sexual, I’m interested right away.

Ddj: When did you have your sexual peak?

NH: For the past 28 years, I suppose. One reason porn has been good for me is that I don’t fit into any box that society has for me: Woman, wife, young, middle-aged, monogamous, etc. I guess I was most active between 25-40, when I did movies, stripping, and went to a lot of swinger conventions.

Ddj: Earlier this year The Los Angeles City Council passed an ordinance requiring condoms to be used in all permitted adult films shot within their city limits. Adult actress Lorelei Lee has called this a “mistake” and a “misguided” decision. Many speculate that the West Valley, my old hood, also known as Porn Valley, will simply lose its porn hub status, being replaced by New Hampshire (the only other state where filming porn is legal) or go further underground. What do you think of the condom-mandatory ruling?

NH: It’s a politically motivated disaster. Unenforceable. Driven by greed, hubris and megalomania on the part of Michael Weinstein, of the AIDS Healthcare Foundation. Condoms should be voluntary, with no one losing work because they prefer to use condoms. That, unfortunately, is not usually the case. Most performers strongly prefer bareback scenes with a tested partner and external ejaculation. It’s the long history of external ejaculation that has kept HIV out of the porn and swinger populations for the past 30 years. The two confirmed cases on on-set transmission both resulted from anal “cream pie” scenes, where the male performer ejaculates inside the receptive partner, the highest risk act that there is in porn. Let me ask this: given a choice would you prefer to do a condom scene with a partner who was HIV+ or whose HIV status was unknown to you, or with a tested partner who ejaculated on your breasts? I thought so.

Ddj: I interviewed Tristan Taormino last year. She is active in the poly community and you two worked together on The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. She considers herself a feminist pornographer. What is different for you about feminist porn versus regular porn?

NH: As a general rule “feminist” porn tries to create a good work environment for the performers. As well, it seeks to portray sex, even rougher sex, as consensual, not to portray the women as bimbos or sluts, etc. Some of it has more involved story lines. Some of it includes GLBTQ performers (“straight” porn is notoriously gay-phobic) who don’t conform to mainstream notions of what “sexy,” “masculine,” “feminine” are supposed to mean or look like. Feminist porn is made by those men and women who have strong ideas about sex, sexuality, and sexual expression, and who want to get their ideas out there into the wider marketplace. Feminist porn tries very hard not to dehumanize or overly objectify the performers, not to insult the intelligence or integrity of the consumer.

Ddj: Do you think porn teaches boys and men bad sex habits and false ideas around intimacy and women’s orgasms? For example, in many films a woman comes two minutes into cunnilingus. The average women comes after about 16-24 minutes, according to my internet research, ahem.

NH: If all of the information about “how sex works” is garnered from commercial porn, then, yes, it showcases bad habits and promotes unrealistic ideas about female pleasure (male pleasure, too, as most men can’t last 40 minutes). If a person can’t/doesn’t/won’t pay attention to his or her actual, live partner, then porn isn’t going to make it worse. The cunnilingus they do show is bogus and lame, as real cunnilingus doesn’t show much of the vulva or clitoris, as that’s all happening under the lips. This is a MOVIE, folks. Your mileage may vary.

Our whole system does a piss-poor job of teaching our young people about healthy sexuality. It’s sad that people are reduced to looking at an entertainment medium for nuggets of usable information. My teaching tapes address this directly, if a viewer learns something useful from most movies, it’s almost an accident.

Having said that, I always used my time on screen to role model good sexual behavior, as well as effective techniques for oral and hand sex. Why? Because I knew people were using porn to try to learn about sexual behavior – this was before I started my educational series with Adam&Eve.

Ddj: You played Hillary Rodham Clinton in Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?, a porn parody. How do you feel about Sarah Palin? Should she be feared by liberals?

NH: I think she’s a poor excuse for a politician, though she seems to be a very savvy self-promoter who was able to tap into the anti-liberal zeitgeist. She’s not smart or educated enough to be president, though she has a native cunning about her, I dare say. She’s ambitious, and Americans have always been uncomfortable with naked female ambition.

Ddj: Tyra Banks is very vocal about her anti-sex work ideology and Dr. Drew has said sex addicts are attracted to and stuck in sex work. You appeared on Oprah in defense of porn. Would you appear on national TV again? And, if so, what would you say to detractors like Drew and Banks?

NH: I’d ask them to please stop painting all of us with the same old, tired stereotyped brush. The notion that sex work is always bad, and that sex workers are always unhappy/abuse survivors/victims is simply old puritanical ideology about “proper” female behavior/desires/roles gussied up in modern, feminist language. I find Dr. Drew annoying, condescending, judgmental, very vanilla in his outlook – non-traditional sexual expression skeeves him out – and fairly ignorant of the lives of most sex workers. If all the sex workers he meets find their way to him because of addiction issues, why does he ridiculously extrapolate that small sample to be representative of the experiences of all sex workers? Has he ever bothered to talk to a control group of sex workers who, gasp, like their jobs and find them fulfilling? Oops. That would be a negative.

Tyra Banks is just another woman who is also skeeved out by “sluts,” and “skanks,” and thinks she knows how to save them from themselves. I find her “analysis” to be shallow, based in assumptions and judgment, and insulting on the face of it. Sex workers are a varied population and each worker has his/her own reasons for doing the job. Some like their job most days, some hate it most days, and some wish they could find a way out. So, help those who want out to get out,if you can do so without shaming them – hard to do for the mainstream culture. And help those who like their jobs to do it more safely. The best thing to do for sex workers, if people really wanted to help, would be to decriminalize consensual sex work. It would free up a lot of legal space to actually go after sexual predators and criminals, and would let women work together for safety.

Ddj: You’ve won more accolades, I think, than any adult film star. Is there any category that you haven’t won in that you are still hoping to land a golden trophy for?

NH: I haven’t won an award in many years. Community Service would be good, but my husband deserves that much sooner, as he was one of the founders of AIM [a clinic which was set up to test adult performers for STDs] and has been completely overlooked by the powers that hand out such things. I doubt I’ll get an award for MILF of the Year, but I’m OK with that.

Ddj: There are many men that will hypocritically get off to porn, but then call the women who are in the videos “sluts” and “whores”. What is your feeling about this Madonna-whore complex that seems inherent in many men?

NH: On one hand, fuck ‘em. On the other hand, it’s such a deep part of the culture that one can hardly blame them for absorbing the rhetoric about it. If a man disses a woman for having sexual knowledge, then she should show him the door without apology, and then hold out for a man who appreciates her skill and understanding.

I don’t know what it would take for this to be rooted out. We have a religiously based legal system that assumes that women are pure and sexless, guardians of home and hearth, and that men are bestial and primitive. For many years prostitution was promoted as a way for men to express their baser urges on fallen women, so they wouldn’t subject their delicate wives to the ugly male desire.

Ddj: Should women be as responsible as men are for their orgasms? How do we claim our orgasm’s equal importance after a man has achieved his?

NH: No one gives any one an orgasm. All we can do is to assist our partners in finding their own. If he finishes first and she still needs more she can: kick him out, claiming an early day and then masturbate alone; she can recline in his lap so he can play with her boobs while she masturbates to a finish; she can masturbate during sex so she can have an orgasm before him. I always come after my partner, as my orgasm is very hard to achieve, and trying too hard during intercourse just takes me away from the moment. I can come whenever I want, so not coming during sex is not a big deal to me.

Ddj: How much of a problem is unwanted pregnancy resulting from adult film work?

NH: More than you’d think, as many women aren’t on birth control! I’ve heard of at least four pregnancies during the course of my career, and I’m always flabbergasted that a woman would fuck men without using birth control.

Ddj: Are there any sexual fantasies that you haven’t fulfilled yet?

NH: Well, there are the various celebrities that I think are hot, fucking in zero gravity, fucking underwater, as a mermaid, not in a scuba mask, fucking on the 50-yard line during halftime with the action being displayed on the JumboTron. That kind of thing.

Ddj: Who are your heroes?

NH: Maya Angelou, Margaret Sanger, Frederick Douglass, Malcolm X, Betty Dodson, Carol Queen, Robert Lawrence, Annie Sprinkle, Harriet Tubman, Helen Keller, to name a few. I’m sure there are plenty more.

Ddj: What’s next for you?

NH: More writing, developing myself as a pundit and public speaker, spoken word performance, making my website more profitable, leading workshops on sex, sexuality and sexual expression, being a great-aunt to my amazing great-nieces and nephews, continuing my role as educator.

Ddj: Last, your most famous quote (and one I’ve pasted to my fridge) is: “Sex isn’t something men do to you. It isn’t something men get out of you. Sex is something you dive into with gusto and like it every bit as much as he does.” Have you always loved sex?

NH: I’ve always loved the idea of sex. It took me many years to actually love it in real life. It took a lot of practice and experience in order for me to say, now, “I never have bad sex any more.” I love sex as an idea, an activity, an expression of desire and passion, as political speech. I loved sex long before I ever even kissed a person. It just always was the most compelling thing to me.

Need more Nina? Visit, Nina.com/ and follow her on Twitter.

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by SG’s Team Agony feat. Seizure

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over six months now. I love him, and he’s great to/for me. But he talks about marriage and spending our lives together. I know that doesn’t have to be right away, but even thinking about it gives me terrible butterflies in my stomach, and not the good kind. I’m almost 19 and I’ve never even thought about getting married, let alone at such a young age. The thing is, I can move past the marriage talk, but there’s something else in the way too. I’m enjoying every moment we spend together – the sex is good and he’s a total sweetheart who means extremely well – but I don’t see myself with him for a while. I’m not a cheater. I will remain faithful. But I can’t help flirting with other guys. It’s just in my nature to flirt. I can’t stop doing it even if I’m with someone. I really want to be with someone else sexually, but I won’t do it while I’m with my boyfriend. I guess what I’m saying is I want to have my cake and eat it too. What should I do?

A: My advice to you would be not to look too deeply in to his talks about marriage. Chances are that he’s just trying to let you know that he is serious about being with you. Maybe the fact that you are flirty with other guys is what’s making him want to let you know that he’s so serious about you. As you said, you are still young and so many people get in to relationships too early.

Honestly, if you are flirting with other guys and feel like you want to be with other guys sexually, the fact that you are questioning yourself means that you know that what you are doing is (at least a little) wrong.
 You shouldn’t ‘have your cake and eat it’ unless you are in agreement with your boyfriend that you are both able to have a ‘piece of the cake.’
 In short, if you are going to act on your impulses to be with other guys, let him know that you don’t want to be with him. Or, let him know that you want this and suggest an open relationship. Most importantly, be honest with him and yourself.



Good luck!

Seizure

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

I have always felt a little indifferent about Valentine’s Day. It seems cliché to hate it, stupid to love it, and all in all, just another day of the week. I don’t think I have ever had a spectacular Valentine’s Day even when I was in a relationship. In college, my boyfriend at the time told me we were supposed to go to dinner and then he wound up not being able to afford it. I was crushed. But I remember one other day, in the middle of the summer when he left a single red rose under my windshield wipers, and he hid so when I looked around the parking lot I didn’t see him until when I turned around, he was right there kissing me. It was one of the most romantic moments of my life, and it was also just another day.

A few Valentine’s days ago my boyfriend at the time and I went to a romantic dinner at a candlelit historic restaurant in Boston’s Beacon Hill district. The tables were so close together and we were both so tall that we looked like bulls in a china shop trying to be classy and quiet amidst normal sized couples. We wound up eating so much food and dessert that we couldn’t even make room for drinks afterwards, and we were both massively uncomfortable for the rest of the evening. Sexy.

I feel like Valentine’s Day is just one of those days that winds up making people feel bad, so I usually just do what I always do on every other day: hit the bars. If anyone is out at a bar in Boston on Valentine’s Day chances are they’re single. The odds of running into a guy lying about having a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day are slim to none, so I look forward every year to some guilt free bar scene action.

One year ago today I was with four single friends. One guy had just been dumped (they got back together), one had just been snubbed my by best friend and was nursing a bruised ego (he is now happily in a relationship), and then there was me and my friend Lindsay, two girls who can’t seem to be tamed. We were drinking twenty three ounce Harpoon UFO drafts and knocking back shots of Jameson when I glanced up and happened to meet eyes with a guy standing across the bar. I leaned into my friend Jay not-so-stealthily, “he’s CUTE!” I whispered, quickly looking away, my cheeks burning.

Not two seconds later I had a shot of Patron placed in front of me, and the bartender gestured towards that guy across the bar. “It’s on him,” the bartender said. I looked up and the guy was holding a shot as well, and I knew that there was no turning back now, I had to rip this shot and act like tequila didn’t make me throw up in my mouth. Turning down salt and lime, I got the shot down the hatch and stood up to go say thanks. I flashed my best smile and held out my hand, and I met Dan.

I remember leaving the bar that night with a smile stuck to my face. Who goes to a bar and meets a guy on Valentine’s Day? It was perfect, so sappy, so lame, and oh my god, why couldn’t I stop smiling? That night was the start of something that wound up being silly, tumultuous, fun and pretty important. Dan has become a staple in my life, someone I call when I need advice, need a drinking partner, need a pep talk on getting over an ex. We just got back from an 11 day cruise with a few other friends, and I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in crime with whom to spend that time in paradise with. Looking back one year later I can’t help but still have a smile stuck on my face.

It’s funny, how life works out. I always thought that Valentine’s Day was just another day, and it is — but you never know when life is going to hand you someone special — and as always, extra points when that someone special is holding a shot of tequila with your name on it.

[..]

by SG’s Contributors & Team Agony

Valentine’s Day isn’t a bed of roses for everyone – especially those who are single. Here, the SG Blog’s brain trust share their strategies for surviving the Hallmark Day devoted to lovers.

1. Two words. Ben & Jerry’s. – Sash Suicide

2. Chocolate, booze and drugs. – SnakePlissken

3. Make yourself a fuck-ton of cookies, and eat ’em all. (Or send me some!) – Lyxzen Suicide

4. Make heart shaped pancakes. Tearing them in half and eating them is delicious, barbaric, and therapeutic. Cover them with strawberry syrup so they look bloody. – Laurelin SG

5. Send yourself flowers or treat yourself to something nice. – Rambo Suicide

6. Do something nice for yourself, and remember that Valentine’s Day means we’re halfway through the last full month of winter. Fuck winter and all of its frosty bullshit! – Perdita Suicide

7. Call in lovesick from work, and indulge in a little erotica. – Atlea Suicide

8. Buy a sex toy and get down with yourself 😉 – Rambo Suicide

9. Stock up on whiskey and batteries. – Sassie Suicide

10. Strip clubs and liquor works for me. I hear there’s a strip club in Iowa where you can bring your own beer. I’m very excited about this. – Justin Beckner

11. Put on your favorite lingerie because it makes YOU feel sexy, treat yourself to a heart-shaped box of quality chocolates, and watch something that reminds you that being single/alone on Valentine’s Day is better than being married to an axe murderer – The Shining, for example. – Clio Suicide

12. Do not watch rom-coms. I repeat it: don’t watch rom-coms. You don’t want to do it. All those movies have happy endings, and a happy ending now can lead to never ending tears or immense anger. Don’t do it. – Dalila Suicide

13. Grab some popcorn and watch horror movies where the cute couples come to a sticky end (ie. The Devil’s Rejects). – Aadie Suicide

14. Take an overnight trip somewhere and treat yourself well, and pretend Valentine’s Day isn’t happening. – RIn Suicide

15. Hide under a rock. – Nicole Powers

16. Move back and forth across the international dateline to avoid it. – Zach Roberts

17. Take over the world, and declare an end to Valentine’s Day. – Elea Suicide

18. Try to get abducted by aliens. Maybe the dating scene is better on Mars. – Aadie Suicide

19. Move to Ethiopia – they’ve never heard of it there (source). Of course they’ve probably never heard of Jersey Shore either, so it’s a mixed bag. – Zach Roberts

20. Whatever you do, don’t move to Japan because they have two Valentine’s Days there! On February 14, girls give boys chocolate, and on March 14, boys who’ve received chocolate from girls have to give some back. – Brad Warner

21. Go out dancing at a club that plays house music. Holidays don’t exist for those maniacs. – Laurelin SG

22. Avoid social networks. Everyone has in their contact list someone who is madly in love and will post some cheesy glittery Valentine pic together with an annoying “I WUV UUUU” message. Ok, Linkedin is a exception. You’re allowed to go there. – Dalila Suicide

23. Troll the happy couples. Go out for a romantic dinner by yourself. Every time you hear a couple near by getting intensely mushy, rudely interrupt them. Start with simple things like: “Can I use your salt?” Then raise the stakes. – A.J. Focht

24. Throw a Valentine’s Day Massacre party. Dress up as your favorite mobster, police officer, or flapper, fill your bathtub (and Tommy water gun) with gin and put on some movies that feature it like The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre and Some Like It Hot. – Bob Suicide

25. Make a date with your single friends. Have everyone bring photos of their ex lovers. Have a nice BBQ and burn them! – Dorsal Suicide

26. Invite one (or ten!) of your other single buddies over for an XBox showdown, game night shenanigans (I recommend Catchphrase, Apples to Apples, or the Seinfeld version of Clue), or, if you’re artsy-fartsy like me, host a craft night! – Lyxzen Suicide

27. Host a spin the bottle party. – Rin Suicide

28. Invite the hottest single friends you know…and have an anti-Valentine orgy. Way cheaper than springing for flowers, chocolate, and dinner and everyone gets off (please practice safe sex). And the photos of the night for sure won’t bore your friends. – Steve Altman

29. Get a job at Hallmark and fuck with every V-Day card, substituting “love” for “douche” thus causing breakups and general emotional upset world wide. Misery loves Hallmark. – Darrah de jour

30. Carry a sharpie with you at all times and doodle a broken line on hearts everywhere you go. – Atlea Suicide

31. Pop Valentine’s Day balloons. – Rambo Suicide

32. Play Call Of Duty: Black Ops all day and shoot virtual people until you feel better. – Elea Suicide

33. Read the work of great philosophers, Arthur Schopenhauer for example. And no, it’s not boring. Schopenhauer believed that love and sexual impulse merely serves the will of life in its effort to perpetuate itself. Meaning we’re being tricked by nature with love. But we’re over that. Falling in love is so 1760. Embrace nihilism instead of a lover. – Dalila Suicide

34. Just think of it this way: every couple out there that is spending a crap load of money on flowers, dinner, and chocolates will end up having the same sex they had the night before for free. At least you’re saving $150 by not celebrating Valentine’s Day. – Damon Martin

35. Don’t mope *too* much! Seriously, you’re not the only single lady or gent out there! – Lyxzen Suicide

36. Give your dog a bouquet of roses and a box of doggie-safe chocolates. – Darrah de jour

37. If you don’t have a dog, rescue one ¬ that way you’ll have someone to love and love you (and remember, unlike a lover, a four legged friend should always be for life!). – Nicole Powers

38. Go out somewhere you’ve never been before. Last year on Valentine’s Day I met a guy at a new bar who became of one my best friends. That is, after we finished all the tequila in the bar and made out in the street for a while. – Laurelin SG

39. I’m a huge believer in random acts of kindness. Do something for someone just ‘cause. As an added bonus, giving someone else the unexpected warm and fuzzies will make you feel that way too. – Nicole Powers

40. Remember those corny packs of Valentine cards you passed out in school? Or remember actually MAKING cards? Do that, only for your grown-up friends, parents, neighbors, mailman, etc. Who wouldn’t grin at the sight of a “I choo-choo choose you” card? It doesn’t have to be about mushy-gushy romantic junk, try just making people smile. And you know you like sealing envelopes with stickers anyways. – Lyxzen Suicide

Alternatively, you could always spend some quality time honing your dating, love, sex, and romance skills with a little help from SG’s awesome community so you can snag a partner by Steak & Blow Job Day – which is less pressure and way more fun than V-Day anyway!

XOX

Related Posts:
Love Don’t Cost A Thing: What Men Really Want On Valentine’s Day

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rin

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: My best friend fucked my ex boyfriend the day we broke up. We weren’t really friends before he and I broke up, and a week later she tried to convince me to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend. When I told her I wasn’t interested she told me that she fucked my ex. Should I be alright with it since we weren’t really friends until the next week after he and I split? Should I be mad? Because I’m fucking furious and I’m not sure if I should be mad at her, but I know I should be at him because he lied to me and told me that he was still in love with me. What should I do? And I’m aware that this doesn’t have much to do with SG, I just don’t have any girlfriends that I can talk to about this and it’s tearing me up.

A: Your friend sounds like kind of a jerk! First off, she tries to ‘convince’ you to have a threesome (instead of just asking and then accepting your answer) and when you say no, she tells you about having sex with your ex. It seems like she did it to hurt you after you turned her down, and that is never cool. Although you said you don’t have many girlfriends, perhaps you should start looking for a best friend who has more respect for you than this current one seems to! It’s worth investing in friends who treat you like gold.

As for the dude, what a total dickbag. It’s emotionally manipulative for him to say ‘I love you’ when he fucked someone else the day you broke up! That kind of behavior is so destructive and because of it he doesn’t belong in your life in any capacity.

Your anger at both of them is completely legitimate. They acted in ways that were completely hurtful! My advice to you is to allow yourself to feel anger from the situation, but then to let it go and move on. If this was just a one-time douchey move for your best friend, then it’s worth discussing with her why her actions were so hurtful to you. Really examine your relationship with her, though: girlfriends are there to support and care for us when we need it, not to have sex with our exes and throw it at us later. It might indicate a long-term pattern of disrespect and that is absolutely not what friendship is about.

Rin

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com