by Laurelin

I was sitting at the bar tonight with a few friends, waiting for my boyfriend, like always. He said he might come out, but I knew he wouldn’t. It was his birthday, and he wasn’t coming. We had had a great night out the night before, but still, I always said a relationship can be measured by the amount of time I spend looking towards the door, waiting for you to walk through it. With him, I do it a lot. In the beginning he would always come, now, not so much. I’m lonely a lot; I spend most nights alone, missing him.

It’s always the nights that you’re most vulnerable that something odd happens, and tonight was no different. My ex boyfriend walked though that door and I could have cried. All I have been thinking lately is how even though he and I were wrong for one another, he was still always there for me. Every night he eagerly came home, and, even after we knew we weren’t in love with one another anymore, he still came home and held me, still wanted to be around me all the time. We were best friends. Part of us will always be just that, no matter how much time goes by.

He had been drinking, I could tell the second he motioned me to join him at a table for two. He hugged me for a little too long and then leaned over. “I’m leaving soon, —-” he said, calling me by our pet name for one another. “I’m moving to LA, and I’m going this week. I’m not telling anyone but you, because you’re the only person I’ve ever cared about.”

A million things run through my mind before I can answer. I can’t imagine this bar scene without him. It’s true, I have created my own name in Boston, especially in the past year, but parts of him linger everywhere I go. “Bittersweet,” I think. We don’t talk much anymore, he and I. But I know that I will miss him impossibly once I know he’s gone.

He grabs my hand and leads me to the jukebox; he always wants to monopolize the music when he’s been drinking. “What do you want to hear?” he asks, and starts punching in letters before I can even answer. “I know,” he says. He plays Pearl Jam’s “Black,” Tom Petty’s “Even the Losers,” Adele’s “Right As Rain,” and Eddie Vedder’s “Hard Sun.” My songs. I look towards the door and glance at my cell phone one last time, knowing my boyfriend isn’t coming, wondering about this guy I’m with who knows me better than I know myself. I know I’ll walk home alone and sleep alone again tonight, and I know my ex has nowhere to stay until he leaves for L.A. I wait until the last of the songs play, and I go to leave.

“This might be the last time we’re out together,” my ex says.

I manage a smile. “Don’t say that,” I say. “I’ll come see you.”

“I hope so,” he says, his hand resting on my waist for just a moment. “Goodbye.”

I leave, alone, and don’t look back. I walk home slowly, and I linger on the pedestrian footbridge overlooking the city lights. Boston is glowing, and everything falls silent. I want to cry but no tears come; I don’t know how I got here, or where to go next. I could stand here and watch the skyline for hours, but I don’t. My cell phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s my boyfriend, saying he’s going to bed. “I’m sorry,” he says, for what seems like the 100th time.

“I’m sorry too,” I think, before turning away from the city lights and heading for home.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Squee and Clio

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We work really well together, and he legitimately makes me happy. Here is the issue; my upbringing was incredibly sheltered. He is the only person I have been with sexually, while he has had plenty of sexual experiences and encounters. He knows that my upbringing has resulted in me being very, very curious about sex and sexuality, and has been amazingly supportive of my questions and ideas and urges to try knew things.

He is even accepting of me experiencing sex with a woman at some point. (I know, what guy isn’t! But if you knew him and how he is you would see why this is a HUGE deal). That being said, I recently brought up the idea of buying one of those Clone A Willy kits. It’s a kit that allows you to make a vibrating replica of any penis you want. For a long time I’ve wanted to delve into the world of sex toys, so when I approached him I was pretty enthusiastic. But to my surprise, he was livid. He was angry and hurt that I would even want to try such a thing. He reaction was so shocking that I’m kinda afraid to bring it up again. I just don’t understand how he can say yes to sex with a whole person but no to a toy. Am I missing something?

A: I must admit, I would also presume most men would have more of an issue with sex with another person than with an object. If I were you I would try and talk to him about it again. I wouldn’t approach it from the angle that your really want to use toys and would like him to be more understanding. I would sit down and try and find out what upset him so much about the idea. Explain to him how important it is to you that you can be open and able to discuss these kinds of things, and let him know you’d just like to understand what he really dislikes about the idea.

He might have a serious reason that he just won’t budge on, or maybe he has some kind of small hang-up that you can talk out and overcome. Either way, it sounds like he has been incredibly patient with you, and it sounds like it’s your turn to be patient with him. If he continues to put his foot down and not want to talk about it, I think you will just have to assess how happy you are with that situation. If he still makes you happy and toys don’t seem so important, then that’s great. If being unable to experiment leaves you feeling uneasy and repressed, then you may have to reassess your situation.

Good luck. I hope you manage to talk things out!

 


Squee
xxx

Q: My boyfriend left me after two years of dating. He says it’s for a while. We made a stupid deal that I only agreed because I love him and do not want to be without him. The deal is to be just friends for seven months, and although it has a little over a month and I’m still just devastated.

I know I am a dependent person, but I tried not to choke him, and now I do not call him or write him –– only when I have something important to say or ask. I do not know what to do.

A: Dear Blinded-by-Love, I’m sorry you got dumped and are now caught up in this lame situation. From what you wrote, it seems to me that he’s over your relationship and is just using you to do shit for him and lend him cash. The decision to take a break was obviously one-sided, putting him in control. Don’t give him this kind of power over you and stop letting him take advantage of you ASAP!

There is no guarantee that in seven months things will magically be better and that you two can have an untroubled relationship again, so either tell him how you feel and work out the problems together, become less dependent on him, or accept that he sucks for letting you go and move on. If he loves you like he says he does, he will listen to what you have to say and work towards a better relationship with you in a way that works for you both. But if he keeps being ‘too busy’ to talk, you should draw your own conclusions. I hope things work out for you!

Clio
xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

God damn this blinking cursor in front of me, mocking me. Usually a blank page sits in front of me and I feel calm, able to take a deep breath and start over with a refined touch and total control over my words. But not lately. Now I feel so much anger and hurt that I can’t even see anything besides a black swirl, all my words pouring jumbled out of my bloodshot eyes. I’m tired. I’m tired of working six nights a week and two days, sometimes having a day off here and there to fulfill an obligation to someone else rather than myself. Rushing to the train, rushing to the next state, rushing to meet a deadline when all I want to do is collapse. I am just exhausted. And no one is here to catch me as I’m falling to sleep. No one is there when I wake up. How can someone be in a relationship and still feel so alone?

I always tell my friends that as happy as I am with this new guy, I can’t help but have this sinking feeling that it’s just going in a really odd direction. I spend a lot more time feeling alone, lonely and missing him, than I do happily next to him. Working at the bar doesn’t really allow much time for dating. We got to know one another at work. We talk about bartending. We talk about booze. We drink beer. We stay up late and drink. I wonder what would happen if someone removed beer and the bar. We would have…Nothing. Which means that essentially, we have nothing to stand on — it’s just liquid to stand in. It’s horrible to even type, but it’s been filling my head lately that what I have is simply nothing at all.

I got drunk the other night after my shift while he was working and with a little bit of liquid courage down the hatch I gave him a quick quiz. “We’ve been dating for three months,” I said. “What’s my favorite color?” He looked confused.

“Uh… red?” He said.

“No. It’s pink. But I guess you wouldn’t know that,” I said, turning up my nose. He looked baffled for a minute and then wandered off. I dropped the subject.

I try, I really do. What days off do we both have this week? Maybe we can fit in lunch one day before we go to work. For some reason, nothing ever seems to work besides work. How is it possible that one person in a relationship can be happy with only sharing smirks over a beer tap or holding hands after I finish day bar in the brief time before he comes on to work the night shift? Don’t people need to have sex, sleep in, go see movies, go to dinner, meet each other’s families? I can feel myself getting weaker, becoming someone who chases after someone else, and I can taste bile rising in the back of my throat — that girl makes me sick. I shouldn’t have to chase after anyone to spend time with me, especially someone who calls themselves my boyfriend. How did this happen? How did I become this person and how do I get rid of it? Make her go AWAY. This girl is not me.

Part of me just has to laugh about all of this. I was in a relationship and not the happiest. I got dumped, I was sad. I found the silver lining, started dating, met idiots. Met an idiot that I liked. Thought he was different, new relationship, new problems, not the happiest. Damn you bar scene, damn you. My head is spinning, and I keep thinking back to a few weeks ago when my roommate and I went to go see a psychic. I don’t really believe in that junk –– fate, dead spirits and energies and all that –– but I don’t exactly not believe in it either. So, if for $30 someone can talk to me about stuff I don’t understand, sure, let’s have at it.

The psychic was probably just over 30, a few years older than me. She said I was creative, and that I spent too much time dwelling on past relationships and that I needed to learn to let things go. (Who doesn’t that apply to.) Then she said she didn’t really understand my current relationship. She looked confused for a minute and said, “He doesn’t know you. He thinks he does, and he thinks you’re great. And you ARE great. But…he doesn’t really know why you’re great. It’s not going to last. You’re going to end it, and you’re going to say, ‘You’re not even going to miss ME,’ and he’s going to be so upset, but you’re right.”

I hate to base my argument on why a relationship should end on something a psychic told me. But it’s like…this stranger just added a strange validation to my argument. Nothing solid to stand on, only our bar scene. Beer. Late nights. Liquid. I don’t chase after anyone, it’s not my style. Running however, that’s right up my alley, and luckily, nothing runs better than liquid.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rydell

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: So my ex girlfriend (who broke up with me) unblocked my number and started contacting me again and started showing up at my house randomly. After having a few weeks to deal with being single I found I didn’t mind it, but now my ex is trying to get back with me and I’m confused as to what to do. Part of me doesn’t want to go down this road again, while another part of me doesn’t mind giving it another shot. Should I just tough it out and tell her I don’t want anything to do with her, or give her another chance? Thank you for your time and input.

A: Well honestly I think everything happens for a reason, whether it be that you get back with your ex or not. But I think the break up happened for a reason and you should examine why she felt she didn’t want to be in the relationship, and if you really want to get back into it or not. Usually second chances in relationships just don’t work out. Granted they can, but you both have to be very invested into making it work the second time around.

You need to sit down and weigh up the pros and cons of getting back into it versus staying out and starting fresh with another person. You also need to figure out if anything has changed that will make it more or less likely to work out a second time around. You may find some surprising answers, which will help to make your choice a bit easier. Just step outside of yourself and try to look at it from someone else’s point of view with no emotional attachment. Yes, that is hard, but it helps when making a better educated choice on your part.



I wish I could offer more guidance on this, but I don’t have enough info on your relationship dynamic, so I can only send you a wide range response, but I think it will get you on the path you need to make the right choice for you.

Rydell

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Rin

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: My girlfriend just broke up with me recently after four years of dating and almost a year of being engaged. I never thought this would happen but she just up and left for reasons she would never tell me.

With all that behind me, my real question is what to do now? I have tried going out to meet people but with no luck. I have tried online sites but they seem just as bad as going out for meeting new people. I do have a few friends around but just find myself so lonely all the time. I work from home which doesn’t really help. It’s a good job working on computers and I make great money, but it doesn’t help me meet people at all. I just don’t know what to do with myself and find myself fighting loneliness all the time.

A: Regrouping after the breakup of a long-term relationship can be very difficult. The first thing to address is your loneliness. You’ve mentioned you work from home and make a good income. If you don’t already have one, you should purchase a laptop and take as much of your work outside the house as possible. Even if it’s just for an hour or two a day, hanging out in a coffee shop and working will give you a nice dose of people. Choose a pleasant coffee shop, even if it’s out of your way. Maybe it’s in the neighborhood you want to live in, or maybe it just has a great atmosphere.

When you’re lonely, it’s important to reach out to your friends. They care about you and want to see you happy –– try to make two or three friend outings every week. Good friends are the backbone of getting through a breakup.

Because you work at home and are in a low place right now, you should consider adding some physical activity to your weekly routine. Exercise releases all sorts of beneficial chemicals in our brains, like serotonin and endorphins. Cultivating a feeling of wellbeing will definitely help with your loneliness and put you in a good place for when you do meet someone new. Joining a gym would be the easiest step, but you could also try yoga, team sports, or just go running in your own neighborhood. Lifting weights at home would also do the trick, though it doesn’t have the added potential social benefits.

Since you just got out of a relationship, give yourself some time to recuperate before you stress about meeting someone new. Make new goals — find things you can achieve on your own. Spend time figuring out what makes you happy, then do it! In a long-term relationship we can lose ourselves and it can be really empowering, when single, to find out what we want to do and just do it without worrying about the repercussions.

Maybe she was against you getting tattoos; maybe she didn’t like it when you went out with your friends and came home late; maybe she hated it when you played your favorite album on repeat for three hours straight. Now is your time to do whatever the fuck you want without needing the approval of another person. Discover the good parts of being single. It sounds contradictory, but it’s true! Sometimes being single is fun.

Hope those suggestions are helpful to you!

Rin

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Bailey, Rashel, and Vanessa

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I recently got out of an abusive relationship and I feel like I still can’t escape it. I moved three states away when everything disintegrated. He broke up with me via text message, in the same apartment, no less. We had lived together for two and a half years, and he was my life. Things got rocky towards the end, but as I was sexually abused and made to feel like my feelings weren’t valid, I came to accept that this was my path.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, and I’ve never asked for advice like this before. I’m an internalizer for sure… I guess I’m just seeking some guidance or a helping hand. I’m struggling to understand my own reaction, and that unsettles me.

[..]

by Laurelin

I don’t like writing when I’m angry. I suppose there is technically something therapeutic about allowing the words to pour from your pen, furiously scribbled thoughts pressed hard into the paper rather than the controlled sentences I usually produce. I am never proud of what I write when I’m angry. I still do it every once in a while I guess; some things just need to be let out so they can be released and hopefully not felt anymore. I remember writing when my heart had been broken, when I was longing for something different, when I was so inspired by something beautiful or sad, but I do not write very often when I’m angry anymore.

When I was younger I was angry a lot. I was easily hurt and I wasn’t able to see the bigger picture. As I got older I developed a little more sense and realized that every little thing that happened would eventually pass. Each hurt that came to my life would make its mark, and each day after that it would hurt a little less, until one day it became just a memory. Some memories and aches are sharper than others, like remembering something terrible I said and didn’t mean makes me cringe, but you take it with a grain of salt. I learned to think before I speak, and that a heartfelt apology goes a long way.

Other memories, like songs, are different. There are some songs that invoke such powerful memories of certain places and people that when I close my eyes I can almost go back in time. I can smell, touch, hear certain things, some happy, some impossibly sad. When I hear “Hey, Jupiter” by Tori Amos I am 14 years old in a bed and breakfast in Stratford, England. I smell lavender on my pillow and in the sheets every time I move as I drift off to sleep. It was my last family vacation before my younger brother got really sick and the whole family was out, it was just me in this beautiful place. Lavender and Tori Amos always make me smile.

[..]