Life Beyond the Bar Scene: I Knew You Were Trouble3

by Laurelin

Butterflies. Every girl wants that feeling. We crave it: the thought of something new and exciting. That secretive smile that is just for you, your whole being just bursting with hope over the thought of something new. Those new guys, they’re the skip in your step home from the bar after getting a phone number or that perfect first date kiss that leaves you feeling full to the brim with a feeling so wonderful you could just cease to exist.

It might be one of the best feelings in the world. While fleeting, it’s when we feel the most innocent and yet the most powerful, the most indestructible, like our whole lives have led us to this point and nothing looks as beautiful as the whole freaking normally ugly awful world. (Enjoy this feeling while it lasts, because everybody knows butterflies can’t survive amongst a stomach full of beer and cheeseburgers.)

Over time mine seem to have turned into something more along the lines of ragged moths dancing around a tired flame. A flame that might go out, but also might grow brighter, and burn all the little moths. It also might not even be a flame, perhaps just a touch of heartburn.

I can point out a number of men in Boston who have given me this feeling and each time the feeling faded, leaving room for failed relationships, broken hearts and (lucky for me) in most cases, solid friendships. It’s gotten to the point where even if I meet someone who evokes this feeling I can’t help but wonder how it’s going to end. Should I even bother? (Of course I should.) Doesn’t it make more sense just to stay the way I am and not risk getting hurt? (Of course it doesn’t.)

It was thirty-four degrees last week and the wind was bitter as I walked to a cab, but for some reason I wasn’t cold. I should have been in bed hours ago, but I wasn’t. My cheeks were red, burning, and I smiled and looked up at the city, the whole skyline lit perfectly against the black sky. I had no idea where I was, besides far from home. I felt warm, and I was unsure if it was the booze or just remembering that kiss. Either way, I knew I was in trouble.

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