Featuring Vega (the Chihuahua) and Sydney (the Doberman Pinscher) – Pictured with their mistresses ViquiV (L) and Jessytai (R).
Sydney and her mom (social media maven Jessytai) are the newest members of the SuicideGirls HQ team. Sydney really loves her fellow four-legged co-worker Vega, and since they’re so damn cute together, we thought we ought to introduce them to you…
NAME: Sydney
INTO: Snuggling, sleeping, treats, warm beds and sunbathing.
NOT INTO: Loud noises, the rain, and being alone.
MAKES ME HAPPY: When my mommy gives me the plate to “clean off” when she’s done eating.
MAKES ME SAD: When my mommy leaves.
HOBBIES: Sleeping.
5 THINGS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT: My mommy, treats, my best friend Yogi, my stairs that go up to my mommy’s bed – oh and did I already say treats?
VICES: Barking at the mail man (I’m such a cliché, I know!).
I SPEND MOST OF MY FREE TIME: Sleeping or begging for food.
***
NAME: Vega
INTO: Laps, sunshine, and stuffed animals.
NOT INTO: The rain, thunder, intruders, and pooping in the dark.
MAKES ME HAPPY: Getting attention.
MAKES ME SAD: Being left alone.
HOBBIES: Chasing my tail, day dreaming, and being cute.
5 THINGS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT: My stuffed monkey, my stuffed tiger, my rope, chicken treats, and a good comfy lap.
VICES: Barking at Postal workers, delivery men/women or pretty much anyone coming to the door.
Fuck breakfast. Not breakfast foods, just breakfast the meal. It’s too goddamn early to be awake, let alone eating. And who can eat anyway when their guts are rolling harder than Andy Dick at a rave from last night’s bottle of bottom shelf whiskey? Not me, not usually anyway. But sometimes you just have to get some goddamn grease in your system to keep your stomach from eating your asshole. And when I think grease, I think about the golden arches.
I grew up poor. I know this because we called McDonald’s a restaurant and we went there for breakfast on Sundays like it was high fucking tea with the Queen mum. And the star of this meal was always the Big Breakfast. A fuck-ton of grease-laden mornin’ death all crammed into a big styrofoam container that’ll outlive you by a few hundred years. And it all comes with a tub or two of caramel colored high fructose death sauce, aka “syrup.”
And that’s still what it is. Except now they only use half the environment killing Styrofoam. Instead of a lid with proper thermal preserving properties we get this weird clear plastic lid embossed with the McDonald’s logo. Holy shit, it looks like the Lenin of fast foods all splayed out and sad. Come to think of it both probably decay at similar rates. But as bad as that mental image is the worst part is it lacks insulation leading to inevitable and undesirable side-effects.
Cold flapjacks. Fuck shit ass cock piss bitch cunt fart. Now I love the environment, don’t get me wrong. Trees are awesome and shit, but I’d sacrifice our children’s and their children’s children’s future for piping hot, butter-melting pancakes first thing in the morning. God I miss that top layer of Styrofoam. Fucking Captain Planet.
This biscuit isn’t too bad. But it isn’t too good. It’s just sort of there, but somehow you know you’d miss it if it was gone. This biscuit is to breakfast what a hand job is to casual sex. You don’t really need it, and it’s really not that fulfilling, but you’d sure miss it if it was gone. On a side note, both sometimes are in need of butter.
I love hash brown patties like this. I know they’re the bologna of potatoes, but I still love them even if they are made from bits swept off the floor and smashed together in a factory press operated by an immigrant laborer with questionable at best hygiene. That being said, when it comes to shitty hash browns McDonald’s wins the gold goddamn prize. Greasy and golden brown, they’re like eating the cast of Jersey Shore. Well almost; the hash browns don’t give you herpes.
Ok, so these patties have always worried me. Not because they look like a mole that was removed from Larry the Cable Guy’s gooch, but because of how they react within the gastrointestinal system. To put it gently, McDonald’s sausage is an investment; eat one in the morning and you’ll know it all day long with every foul-tasting belch that gurgles up from your grease-laden stomach. Work on that shit, Ronald, or at least throw some Tums and breath mints into this combo.
I’m not sure what to make of these eggs. Mostly because they seem to be exuding a sort of liquid. Normally I like things that exude liquids when hot *winkwinknudgenudgesaynomore* but I’ve never seen a scrambled egg sweat before. And given the flavor of these suckers I imagine they were included merely to soak up the grease leaking from the sausage patty. Sort of like a paper towel that came out of a chicken’s ass. Personally I’d rather eat that. Welp, time to break out the one sure cure for bland bullshit.
Ahh, that helped. That helped a lot. Now, I know a lot of you are thinking “you’re putting hot sauce on fast food eggs?” right now. It may seem as risky as shitting in a public restroom in New Delhi, but let’s face the facts here and realize that there’s not really any chance of it making me poop more. The McDonald’s alone will be adequate to make my colon reach critical mass. I will admit the spiciness could make things interesting, but I like to live dangerously. That’s why I don’t have health insurance. Well, that and poverty.
So they might be a little cold, but these cakes really aren’t too bad. Sure they’re packed with more chemicals than Charlie Sheen, but I kinda like them. The syrup is another story. It tasted like diabetes and kissing Wilford Brimley. That said it was high time these suckers got some doctoring as well.
And here’s where the strawberry preserves comes in. Sure they contain roughly as much fruit as a tall glass of Kool-aid, but it works with the syrup to make these rather ordinary cakes into a magically shitty taste treat. How do I describe the experience? It’s like going down on Strawberry Shortcake.
So, all in all, it’s not really that different than what it was twenty five years ago; a grease and chemical-laden platter impersonating a real breakfast. Not something I’d have again given the fact there are a million greasy spoon diners that serve far superior breakfast food, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be. Basically, if you wake up drunk and need to eat somewhere within stumbling distance it’s not a terrible choice.
MAKES ME HAPPY: Art, black & white photographs, cheese, chicken, concerts, depth, dreams, hair swooshin’, Halloween, holding hands, honesty, hoodies, Jersey, John Cusack, Manchester, movies, music, peanut butter, penguins, pickle juice, ranch dressing, sandwiches, sarcasm, sea horses, sincere gestures, sleeping, smell of skunks, snirting, stars, sugar/candy, sweatpants, tattoos, thermals, thunder storms, unplanned events, warmth, white T-shirts, XBox 360.
MAKES ME SAD: Animal abuse, being cold, broken hearts, cheaters, fake intentions, hardcore porn, holes in my socks, lack of tattoos, liars, normal people, paleness (self), sink full of toothpaste, stubbing my toe, traffic, wet kneecaps, winter.
HOBBIES: Analyzing people.
5 THINGS I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT: Family, laughter, passion, Mac/Apple, Manchester.
VICES: Self destruction.
I SPEND MOST OF MY FREE TIME: Lost in hopes and dreams..
Thursday, March 29, 2012 was a landmark day in the fight for freedom as we know it. A group of journalists and activists gave opening statements in a federal lawsuit seeking an injunction against the implementation of key clauses in the National Defense Authorization Act, which has shattered many of the founding principles of the United States.
Chris Hedges (a Pulitzer Prize-winning ex-New York Times reporter) initially filed the lawsuit. It was subsequently amended to become a multi-plaintiff case, with six further names signing on for round one of what is hoped will be a multi-stage legal action. Dubbed the Freedom Seven, alongside Hedges the list of named plaintiffs now includes Daniel Ellsberg (a former US military analyst who is best known for releasing the Pentagon Papers), Professor Noam Chomsky (a renowned academic, activist, and writer), Birgitta Jonsdottir (an Icelandic politician and pro-WikiLeaks campaigner), Alexa O’Brien (a journalist and founder of the US Day of Rage electoral reform campaign), Kai Wargalla (the founder of Occupy London), and Tangerine Bolen (the founder of activist and alternative media organization Revolution Truth).
Opening statements were heard by Judge Katherine Forrest at the US District Court Building at 500 Pearl Street in Manhattan. Hedges, O’Brien, and Wargalla testified in person, and author Naomi Wolf read written testimony on behalf of Jonsdottir, who had been cautioned against traveling to the US due to her involvement with Wikileaks. Much of the case rests of the definition of “associated forces” – or lack thereof – since under the NDAA the military can indefinitely detain anyone it suspects has “substantially supported” al-Qaida, the Taliban or “associated forces.”
In a press release put out by The Sparrow Project, Hedges said: “I have had dinner more times than I can count with people whom this country brands as terrorists. But that does not make me one.” Given the possible broad interpretation of “associated forces” journalists such as Hedges – as well as activists and protesters – now operate under threat of possible detention without due process. However, to win the right to continue the court action, the judge has to agree that at least one of the seven plaintiffs has established a “reasonable fear” of being detained for exercising their constitutionally protected right to free speech.
During a press conference held outside the court at 2.30 PM on Thursday, Bolen made the following powerful statement in support of the Freedom Seven’s action:
“The NDAA is an egregious assault on our civil liberties…I approached Chris Hedges and asked him to amend his lawsuit to be a multi-plaintiff suit because the NDAA covers all kinds of people from around the world, and the seven of us who started this suit all feel we are in imminent danger under this law…
“I started an organization called Revolution Truth, and we’ve conducted campaigns in defense of Wikileaks and Bradley Manning. We also are an alternative media organization. We host livestreaming panel discussions with people from around the world. We were about to embark on a panel series with Middle Eastern revolutionaries and activists, including members of Hamas and other people [from] whom we want to hear about their ideas about the word ‘terrorism’ and the US government’s War on Terror…
“But we frankly were an international all volunteer group of about 25 people, and none of us feel safe in engaging in the work we normally do as journalists and activists. Under the NDAA we actually feel we are in danger, so we suspended our panel series for the time being. Furthermore, I’ve worked directly with some Wikileaks staff…and from the moment I began speaking with Wikileaks I was warned that all my communications would henceforth be routed through the NSA. This happened about a year ago. It’s something I’m used to at this point, but frankly with the confluence of factors and forces [of] the last 10 years of the laws, including the AUMF, the Patriot Act, and now the NDAA, I frankly don’t feel safe under my own government. I’m an activist, I’m a professional, I’m a Democrat, and I’m suing Obama over this…
“Our goal is to stop the unconstitutional provisions of this law, specifically sections 1021 and 1023, and to force the US government to better define its terms. Right now, it uses language in this law that is incredibly broad, and we consider very dangerous for not just this round of plaintiffs, but for all of us at some point. We actually think that the language of the law ultimately could be used against people like Occupy Wall Street and other protesters, so we’re determined to make sure our Constitution stands, and so does our Bill of Rights…I think we have a long uphill battle ahead of us. Obviously we’ve had 10 years of both Republicans and Democrats egregiously assaulting our liberties, so this is just the start…
“Chris Hedges filed this lawsuit because he spent 15 years working for the New York Times as a war correspondent. He’s personally interviewed members of Hamas and members of al-Qaeda, and the language of the law in sections 1021 and 1023 is so vague. It says “associated forces” and it talks about people who engage in hostilities against the United States. It doesn’t clearly define, as far as we’re concerned, “associated forces.” It leaves it so vague and broad that a journalist such as Chris Hedges, who meets with or gives a platform to people we, quote, call terrorists could end up being in trouble under this law…As far as we understand it, the language of this law contravenes three-quarters of the Bill of Rights and multiple Constitutional Amendments.”
During the press conference Wolf also spoke about the “chilling effect” the law is already having on the activities of journalists. She went on to say that her own activities had been directly curtailed, and that she had declined meetings with both Julian Assange and a group of former Guantanamo prisoners because of the threat posed by the NDAA.
Wargalla, who co-founded the Facebook and Twitter accounts that sparked Occupy London and was a key organizer of the subsequent encampments in the UK’s capital, then went on to explain that as an occupier she has already been defined as a member of a terrorist organization by law enforcement and government agencies. “We’re a peaceful and non-violent protest. Nevertheless the City of London police department put us on a list just under al-Qaeda saying that we were a terrorist organization,” said Wargalla. “I refuse to be silent and I refuse to be scared, and I would encourage everyone around the world to speak up and stand up against this law…If we don’t speak up now it may very well be too late.”
Civil rights activist Cornell West was in court to support the Freedom Seven, and also addressed the gathered press. If the group manages to establish legal standing, West hopes to sign on for the second round of action, which will be opened up to a larger pool of individuals who now operate under threat of the oppressive provisions of the NDAA. “You gotta keep track of this trial,” urged West. “Freedom is precious. If you don’t fight for it, you lose it.”
“You should never lose the joy of playing a game in pursuit of victory.”
– Wil Wheaton
As a beloved (and much missed) former Newswire editor, Wil Wheaton needs little by way of introduction within the SuicideGirls community. A revered Star Trek: Next Generation alumni, after his role on the show came to an end, Wheaton turned to writing, carving a significant niche for himself as a geek’s geek in the early blogosphere. He was also one of the first power users on Twitter, and is a prolific poster on G+ and now Facebook (a platform he’d deliberately avoided until recently). Wheaton has also been working as an actor with increasing regularity of late, thanks to reoccurring roles in Eureka, Leverage, The Big Bang Theory, and Felicia Day’s hugely popular web-based show The Guild.
For his latest project, TableTop, Wheaton and Day have joined forces again. The new web series will be broadcast on Day’s Google-funded premium YouTube channel Geek & Sundry. This time Wheaton is also wearing the executive producer’s hat, as well as appearing on camera as the show’s host. TableTop aims to combine the aesthetic of celebrity poker with Wheaton’s passion for tabletop games – something he hopes to instill in even the most reluctant of gamers via the show.
Join SG’s Board Game Group to talk about your favorite board game with like minded people, look for gamers in your area, and ask about games you’re curious about.
This Sunday (April 1st) on SuicideGirls Radio we have a real treat for music aficionados. SG Radio host Nicole Powers (SG’s Managing Editor) will be chatting with Buzz Osborne of The Melvins. He’ll be delving into his personal music collection, spinning tracks from the band’s new EP, The Bulls & The Bees, and giving us an exclusive preview of cuts from their forthcoming album Freak Puke.
Tune in to the world’s leading naked radio show for two hours of totally awesome tunes and extreme conversation – and don’t let yo momma listen in!
Guitarist, singer and songwriter Buzz Osborne is the founder and driving force behind seminal post punk band the Melvins, an outfit beloved by music fans that has defied definition for close to three decades.
The Melvins have just released a new EP, The Bulls & The Bees, which is free to download thanks to sponsorship from Scion. The band will be heading out on tour to support the new EP from April 11 to May 11.
Freak Puke, a new full-length album by Melvins Lite, a new incarnation of the Melvins that features Buzz, longtime drummer Dale Crover, and stand-up bassist Trevor Dunn (from Mr. Bungle, Fantomas and Tomahawk) will be unleashed on June 5.
