by Laurelin
I honestly don’t know why my friend Dan even still wants to be around me. Every single time we hang out I turn into a drunk monster and wind up doing something completely and utterly retarded. Past events have included drunk yelling, drop kicking, punches in the head, “where is this going” talks as I’m getting kicked out of a bar, and most recently screaming at him that he was a pussy as I made him carve his initials into my foot with a giant knife. I have only a slight recollection of this happening, but it’s true; there it is to this day, a tiny “DK” on the top of my foot, a reminder that at the age of 28, total idiocy is still very possible.
He should definitely win an award; I have embarrassed him at multiple bars while he’s been working, woken up his roommates and neighbors in his quiet Cape Cod house and been found alone and drunk in the kitchen attempting to eat cold pasta salad with my hands like the scene where ET the Extra Terrestrial discovers food and beer in Elliot’s fridge. Dan and I are clearly just buddies at this point, this is not the type of behavior that says, “Hey, you should date me, I’m very stable.” I mean, I know everything should be taken with a grain of salt, but really, some things are just stupid. Sometimes I’m just really, really stupid. The other night in a blacked out state he decided that I should be the best man at his future wedding. “Start preparing that speech,” he slurred. “It better be good.” One of the guys, always.
I guess I don’t have the best track record with men. It’s been a year since my last serious relationship, and looking back I feel as though it was really just a blip on the radar screen. Learning experience, blah blah, everything happens for a reason. I guess it does: One line will forever define that relationship, one line spoken at the bar one night by my ex’s best friend. This guy was a monster, a terrible drunk and constantly blowing lines, but he always told the truth. I guess I was looking bummed out one night at the bar, because he came up to me and gave me a sympathetic hug.
“Don’t worry, Laur,” he said. “It wasn’t meant to be. You guys were great together but you know, the other night he mentioned that you were the best thing to ever happen to him, but that you weren’t the type of girl that you marry.” He smiled reassuringly and wandered off. I stood there, and as that comment slowly absorbed the world around me blurred. I thought I might pass out. Two years of my life, years spent happy, in love and with my best friend… not only was that all over now, but that’s what he thought? Did he know that all along? I have never forgotten that, and it honestly haunts me. I thought I had had something amazing, but he was just killing time. I am not the type of girl you marry. What the hell was he thinking?
[..]
