by Blogbot

SuicideGirls’ team of Bloggers and Agony Aunts share their suggestions on how you can give 2012 a kick-ass kick start.

1. There’s someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time. Too long. You fear by now you’ve procrastinated so long that it’s lame to reach out, so you’ve effectively paralyzed a valuable friendship that could easily re-blossom with a single call. You’re not paralyzed, it’s just a head trip. Guilt is useless. Make that call. Say Hi. Apologize. Laugh. Love. Life’s too short. Do it right now. “Happy New Year! I suck” is a great way to start a conversation! – Steve Altman

2. Cut off deadwood! Start by defriending, hiding or blocking the toxic individuals from your Facebook and Twitter feeds. – Dalila Suicide

3. Spend time with people that make you feel taller, brighter, and more capable than you did before. – Darrah de jour

4. Try dating someone you wouldn’t ordinarily date. Like, say, maybe an introverted writer-type that contributes to your favorite alt-beauty blog. Or an evangelical Christian. Those are your only two choices though: the writer or the evangelical. Choose wisely. – Matt Dunbar

5. Spend some time with a niece, nephew or cousin who are growing up and could use your advice. – Atlea Suicide

6. Talk to someone from your Facebook list face-to-face. – CoyoteMike

7. Come to terms with the fact that you mom has a Facebook. – Shotgun Suicide

8. Eating vegetarian style meals reduces the green house gas production. Try to incorporate this in to your lifestyle one day a week. It’s good for you and the earth. – Aadie Suicide

9. Eat lots and lots of cupcakes!!!! What? They’re epic and always put a smile on my face! – Kraven Suicide

10. Unfuck your habitat! There’s nothing like vastly improving your quality of life by having a clean, organized living space. Need tips and/or motivation? Visit unfuckyourhabitat.tumblr.com/, because “no matter what our situations are, we deserve better than to live in filth.” – Perdita Suicide

11. Clean your car and your house through and through. – Atlea Suicide

12. Rearrange a room to get a fresh perspective on life. – Rambo Suicide

13. Go through all your clothes and decide if someone could make better use of some of them. Drop the excess baggage off at a shelter or contributing organization in your area. – Atlea Suicide

14. Donate those holiday presents that you don’t like. – Shotgun Suicide

15. Shop local whenever possible. – Salome Suicide

16. Eat at your favorite mom & pop restaurant, before it goes bankrupt too. – Shotgun Suicide

17. Set up a computer backup plan. Be ready for World Backup Day. – Bob Suicide

18. Start and finish a project you’ve had in mind for a long time. Renovations, painting a vase, knitting, really anything. – Atlea Suicide

19. Set a stupid goal and accomplish it, to prove to yourself that you can. – Darrah de jour

20. Quit saying you will do something and actually do it. When tasks, errands, and commitments are followed through with you feel much more productive. – Kraven Suicide

21. Take a risk. – Darrah de jour

22. Spend an hour with a happy dog, scratching his or her ears. – CoyoteMike

23. Try to go outside each day. Go for a walk. Make sure you have at least 20 minutes of “me” time. This way you’re incorporating self-thought and exercise. It’s very important to get to know yourself. You could be pleasantly surprised. – Aadie Suicide

24. Learn a new skill: baking, crocheting, taxidermy, etc. – Rambo Suicide

25. Take a college class that you want to take, not one that you need. – Shotgun Suicide

26. Find a hobby you can dedicate some time to. Something you love and have passion for. It keeps us young at heart and sane when we can lose our selves in something. – Kraven Suicide

27. Splurge on some really fancy underwear. – Rambo Suicide

28. Add a little color to your life however you see fit. A colorful world is so much better than a black and white one. – Kraven Suicide

29. Make time for yourself. Seriously. Put it in your calendar. Whether it is daily, weekly or monthly, schedule some time and don’t cut out on it for anyone. You’re the only one looking out for you. – Smythe Suicide

30. Treat yourself to an energy renewal weekend, be it at the spa or simply just by unplugging the phone and reading a book. – Atlea Suicide

31. Set up an automatic transfer of money into a savings account each month. – Salome Suicide

32. Watch Fight Club. – Darrah de jour

33. Listen to Valleyheart by She Wants Revenge – Nicole Powers

34. Read Little Brother by Cory Doctorow (snag a free copy here) – EisMC2 and JackalAnon

35. See more live comedy and live music. – Squee Suicide

36. Support non-profit journalism – American Independent News Network, Truthout, GregPalast.com, BradBlog.com are all 501c3’s – donate to support the news that you read for free. Oh, and it’s tax deductible. – ZDRoberts

37. Protest the NDAA, unless you don’t care to plead the 5th. – Shotgun Suicide

38. Join the EFF (Electronic Frontier Foundation) if you care about stopping SOPA. If you spend any time online, you should do. (For that matter, if you’re breathing, you should do!) – Nicole Powers

39. Protect your vote. The election is less than a year away, and you’ll need to start working now to make sure your vote actually counts. Find out why and how by downloading Steal Back Your Vote for free. SuicideGirls helped promote the project so you know it’s awesome and worth a read. – ZDRoberts

40. Get to know your presidential candidates. Look beyond the big social issues like abortion, and research their tax plans, health care ideas, and how they’ve voted in the past. You might find out they aren’t who you thought they were based on a few Facebook posts and Twitter campaigns. The election is coming soon. – Damon Martin

41. Stop by and say hi to your local Occupy. Shake someone’s hand and say “Thank you.” You’d be surprised how much it means to them. Oh, and give them a pair of mittens, it gets cold out there. – ZDRoberts

42. Write “Thank You” notes and post them to people who have helped you get through 2011. – Atlea Suicide

43. Send a letter to a friend, the kind with a stamp. – Shotgun Suicide

44. Create good karma. Treat others as you would want to be treated. In this day in age too many people are being hurtful towards one another in many forms. From anonymous hating via the internet, to being rude to a stranger just because your day didn’t go so well, to physical acts of hate out of spite, jealousy or lack of confidence. Think about how you can be a positive impact on others around you, from your family, friends, neighbors and strangers. Small gestures of kindness can go a long ways and karma will make its way back to you. – Dorsal Suicide

45. Pay for the next person in line at the coffee shop. – CoyoteMike

46. Find joy in the small things. It will help you appreciate the big things so much more. – Kraven Suicide

47. Make today count, because one day you will be nostalgic for it. – Shotgun Suicide

48. Spend more time living in the moment, and less time worrying about the past and the future. Neither of these exist – so live in the present! – Fabrizia Suicide

49. The past is over. Now move your ass. Welcome to 2012. – Darrah de jour

50. Have no regrets. It’s a New Year and that means progress. Do not look back, only forward to the happiness ahead! – Kraven Suicide

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Kraven

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I’m a 20-year old girl and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year. Despite me being young, I am sure that I want to get married, but he’s said he doesn’t think he wants to. I’ve stayed because I love him. We’re only young (he’s 23), and I hope he might change his mind. The problem is, I think he sees our relationship as having an end point due to this. I don’t know if that’s because he thinks I’ll end it or he will due to not wanting marriage. I am quite paranoid and find it quite hurtful. He’s also completely against the idea of living together, and if I subtly suggest it’s due to his lack of commitment he gets quite angry/upset.

Thanks!

A: If I have learned anything out of my past two relationships it’s that you cannot rush anyone to the alter. Marriage is something that both people have to take incredibly seriously and have to both be ready for, since, ultimately, it is intended to be forever. This is an issue that has broken up many people. Some are quite simply ready, others are not.

You are not wrong in talking about marriage and wanting that as a goal to look forward to. Much like myself, you want to see progress, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, when the other person does not have a similar attitude towards marriage, bringing it up and talking about it can begin to sound like nagging to them. They may also feel you are resenting them because it’s something you want and they are holding you back. As for if you’re too young to get married, that is not something I can answer. But you yourself said you know you aren’t ready quite yet.

The issues you have with your relationship seem to go beyond marriage. More immediately you are just looking for him to show he is committed, and talking marriage at this stage may not be the right way to go about doing that. You want a sense of security, but what is scaring you or making you feel you need it? Especially when everyone tells you you are fantastic together and things are going good?

If there are issues now about this and things go sour when commitment is talked about, there may be underlying issues that need to be addressed. You certainly do not want to get married or pressure someone into staying with you through a marriage if there are these types of issues to begin with. I am not telling you this will end badly, I am just telling you from being in your exact shoes, you have to do what makes you happy, and while you love him and are willing to give him the world, he has to want and be willing to do the same. If he does not want to, then perhaps he’s not the man for you. You deserve better.

In terms of talking with him, you can let him know what you see in your future and ask him if he sees the same. He will tell you what he sees. If the goals are not the same, then it really is time to take stock and figure out what to do next. If the goals are the same, and in the future you both see marriage to one another, then you are on the right track. But do not pressure him into something that you admitted you are not ready for right this minute either. Live life, have fun, and be happy with one another. There’s a lot to be said for enjoying the moment (especially at your age), rather than concentrating so much on the future that you’re unable to enjoy the present.

When his is ready for marriage, he will let you know. You cannot pressure someone with regards to this type of issue, and if you do, you will more than likely push him away rather than bring him closer to you.

I really hope this helps as I have been in this same situation just recently. I know what you are going through. Stay strong and true to yourself and your values. And never settle. 🙂

Kraven

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Laurelin

Winter is coming. Maybe I have been way too involved in reading the Game of Thrones series, but that phrase has been running the show these past few months. Winter is coming, cold weather, boyfriend season. It’s time to stockpile your nuts in anticipation of frozen ground, time to find some people to hibernate with, someone to snuggle with to save money on that heat bill. Whatever the reason, winter IS coming… and so far I think my stockroom is looking alright.

My best friend looked at me the other day and cautiously asked if she could tell me something. I said of course, and she slowly said, “I don’t think you’re over your ex-boyfriend.”

I laughed. “What was your first clue?” I said.

“Thank God,” she replied. “Well, you never came out and said it, so I didn’t want to bring it up.”

She’s right, although I feel like I always bring it up. For some reason lately his name has never been far from my mind, and even now, months later, I feel almost worse off than when it had just happened. It doesn’t make sense to me; it’s not like we had this incredible connection that I felt left a hole in my life. I have managed to maintain a normal work relationship with him, I have managed to keep calm when I need to and to keep a smile on my face. But I guess I never really had that healing ‘out of sight out of mind’ time period, and for some reason my mind is starting to play tricks on me, making me think I made a mistake. Making me wish that things hadn’t ended.

It’s not like I haven’t been dating and trying to move on. I went on a coffee date with a stranger, I’ve marched into the bar across the street and given my number to a bartender that I’ve always thought was cute. He called, and we’ve been meeting for drinks here and there, but in the back of my mind I think I’m doing it just for the challenge. When I go out with any of these guys I truly am looking for a connection. I don’t want to randomly hook up. I don’t even mean to stockpile for winter, it’s not nice. But all of a sudden I’m feeling wishy-washy, and for whatever reason on the first date we’re holding hands, and I’m smiling sweetly but really, I’m screaming, “WHO DOES THAT? GET ME OUTTA HERE!”

The other night after getting drinks with one guy (and a ride home from another) I decided to return a phone call from a far off ex-boyfriend, he had been calling during the date and I kept pushing him to voicemail.

“How was your date?” he asked.

“It was alright,” I say. “I miss you,” and I mean it. This guy and I are strictly friends now, and he moved to Los Angeles recently. We talk on the phone often, but he is greatly missed.

“Get in a cab and come to the Park Plaza hotel,” he says. “I’m in Boston.” Two minutes later I am back in a cab and heading downtown at two a.m., certain the cab driver thinks I’m a hooker. I pull up outside the hotel and walk through the doors into the most beautiful lobby I have ever seen. Crystal chandeliers hang from cathedral ceilings and music plays softly, drifting around the biggest Christmas tree I have ever seen. I walk to the tree and look around until I hear him call my name, and we just hug for a few minutes. I feel like I’m in a movie, a good holiday heartwarming moment. He was someone who left a hole in my life when he left, and sometimes a hug from a friend at two a.m. in front of a fancy hotel Christmas tree is just what you need to feel whole again.

I spend the night, but we just talk and fall asleep. I laugh to myself going over the day in my head, a full shift at work, a burlesque ballet performance, drinks with one guy, a lift home from another, back in a cab to meet another at a hotel at three a.m. My best friend’s words echo in my head and I say them out loud to my friend and he nods knowingly. I’m not over my ex. I feel like I’m taking a huge step backwards. I shouldn’t have gone out with any of these guys, it’s not fair to them. I’m not really giving them a chance, I’m just trying to fill a space where something is missing. I sigh and snuggle up, the hotel room is cold, and winter is coming.

[..]

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Lyxzen Suicide

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q. I have been friends with this girl for about five years. Around three months ago we both decided to make a go of a relationship since we had both been hiding feelings for each other. The issue is that I’ve been living on the opposite side of the country for a year or so and things are getting rather hard. She never returns my calls, she will only text me, she has been talking to me less and less, and every time I try to set up a visit for me to see her or for her to come see me things never work out. Mostly she just never gets back to me with a yes or no about coming to see me or about me coming to see her. This is really hard for me because I am starting to feel like maybe I am the second guy in her life, and that is just unacceptable to me. I don’t want to lose her if there is nothing sketchy going on, but I also have to know the truth. How do I approach her about finding out what is really going on with us?

A: Holy déjà vu, Batman…Reading this letter was like a look back into my past, only with the male and female pronouns switched!

My then-beau and I were even planning his move to my city, when he began pulling away. I had the same gut feeling that you’ve no doubt been trying to get past, but in the end, he was banging another girl. (Funny side-note, she and I ended up being friends after they called it quits — turns out he didn’t treat his in-town lady lover any better!)

You know that it takes a lot to maintain a long-distance relationship (Ask anyone who’s been in one — they’re never easy!), and whatever her deal is, whether she’s creating distance because of some type of stress in her life, or because she’s just a nasty ho, this girl clearly isn’t into it.

I hate to get all Dr. Phil on you, but you’re better than this. You deserve better than this! Whatever’s going on in her world only she’s going to be able to deal with. Unfortunately, I think there’s a really high probability that your suspicions about her sketchy-ness are completely right, but either way, shit just ain’t cool and you shouldn’t have to put up with this kind of behavior. I mean, we’re all adults, right?

Here’s the kind of long-distance relationship you DO deserve: You deserve someone so eager to see you that they count down the days until they finally do. You deserve someone who’s excited to take your calls, and does so as often as she can. You deserve someone who sends you photos of things that made her think of you, and of things she thinks will make you smile. You deserve someone who plans adventures and dates for the two of you when you can see each other, whether it’s in one of your two cities or another place altogether. Most of all, you deserve someone who respects you enough to be open and honest with you, instead of dodging questions and ignoring texts.

I can tell you with certainty though, that even the most terrible situations always have a way of working out for the best in the end. As difficult as it may be to end things with this girl, you’ll be coming out of it a stronger and more assertive person, and after taking some time for yourself, you’ll eventually be ready for an awesome girl to walk into your life and completely blow your mind.

So how do you approach this she-weasel to find out what her problem is? She’s obviously making communication difficult, so I would say a well-thought-out email is your best bet. I’d say something like this:

Hey [ladygirl’s name],

I’m not sure what’s going on with you on your side of the country, but I’m feeling left out in the cold here.

I’ve tried to figure out ways to make this long-distance thing work until I’m back next year, but it seems useless when you avoid finalizing plans or even picking up your phone. I’m sure your intent isn’t to make me feel shitty in any way, but knowing my girlfriend isn’t as excited about seeing me, or even texting me, as I am about seeing and texting her, well, it really does feel shitty.

I’ll be honest with you: my gut tells me I’m second to some other guy in your life right now. I don’t mean to throw accusations around, but I just can’t push the thought out of my head.

I hope that I’m wrong, because, in the years that I’ve known you, I’ve never thought you to be that type of girl. Either way though, the way you’ve been treating me is just not okay. No one deserves to be in this situation.

So here it is. I’m putting the ball in your court. I’d love to talk to you about this in person, or even over the phone, but it seems so hopeless to keep trying. I suppose time will tell if this ruins the friendship we’ve had. I really hope it doesn’t, but I’m thinking it’s for the best that we end “us” here and promise ourselves that we’ll be better for the next person.

Let me know what you think…
Best,
[your name]

Harsh, maybe, but you gotta let that girl know you won’t put up with her crap any longer! And if you can do it in a mature and respectful way, you’ll come out on the other side having bettered yourself, whatever the outcome of the relationship may be.

I really think you just needed someone to tell you that you’re right, and I really think you are darlin’. Moving on will be difficult, and it’ll probably take a little longer to get closure from the situation since you two were friends for years first, but I can promise you that there’s someone out there that will treat you better and love you so much harder than this girl does.

You’re stronger and more confident than you know, and you got this, sweetness!
Good luck!!

<3 Lyxzen

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by SG’s Team Agony feat. Sassie, Tita, and Setsuka

Let us answer life’s questions – because great advice is even better when it comes from SuicideGirls.

Q: I think I want to break up with my girlfriend. Yeah, I know it’s a shitty time to break up with her, but I was kind of like this last Christmas and put it off because of the time of year.

I feel shitty breaking up with her at Christmas and while she’s feeling down, but I’ve tried too hard to help her and feel like I’m doing all the effort and she just doesn’t give a shit! She says she doesn’t want to lose me over the way she is with her depression. The last time this happened I told her and she bucked up her ideas and things got better, but I really don’t want to have to keep repeating myself and have her go in circles.

A: Where do I begin? Obviously things aren’t “okay” if you’ve been feeling like breaking up with your girlfriend for over a year, and have found excuses to put it off. You say her depression “pisses you off,” however, depression is a medical condition – she can’t control the chemicals in her brain. If she had cancer would it piss you off? Because that’s pretty much what you’re saying.

You should be encouraging her to get help. You should be her support system. And instead you’re here complaining about it. The holiday season is particularly tough on those prone to depression. Also, there is such a thing as seasonal affective disorder (SAD), and that may be why she gets worse in the winter. It can also have physical affects which is why she doesn’t feel well. Now, I’m obviously not a doctor, but she probably needs professional help if you’re saying it’s so bad that it’s affecting her job too.

Some people are stronger than others, and you’re saying that you’re one of them, so why can’t you be strong for her too? I mean, if you really cared for this girl, that wouldn’t even be a question! What have you actually done to help her? It may seem like she doesn’t give a shit, but she obviously cares for you if she’s aware that it’s affecting your relationship, whether she shows it or not. It’s incredibly hard to think rationally when you’re depressed, so even you asking her to give a shit may seem like a huge task at the time.

You cannot just tell someone to “shape up or ship out” when they’re depressed. In my opinion, that is one of the worst things that you can say. Sure, let me just go into my brain and adjust my serotonin levels so that you can stop being annoyed with me! Really dude? The reality of it is it will probably always go in circles. That is the nature of depression. One day you’re fine, and the next day you’re not. It sounds like you can’t handle it. And you probably don’t deserve this girl if that’s the way you’re treating her. So break it off already.

Sassie

Q: I have a rather long situation here. It all started about a year ago. I was working at a local Mexican food place. I met a woman there. I say that cause she is 38 and I am 29. Not much of an age difference. So we get to talking and we get along, cracking jokes, some NSFW. Then she gets fired and I don’t see her again until about a month ago. We saw each other in a local bar, had a few, caught up on things and exchanged numbers. We texted each other and met up at the bar again the next weekend. We hung out, drink, I watched her play pool, and we kissed a few times. Then we went to eat after a night of drinking. Then some drama happens. She ended up crying. I comforted her. Before we left to go home we stood in the parking lot and I held her. Everything seemed to be going well.

Confused in Texas

A: I believe in romance, but I’m definitely not a hopeless romantic. It’s lovely that you two click, enjoy each others company, and that you think of her often. She certainly seems to acknowledge that you are good and caring, and are an overall “good guy.” However, I think that her statement regarding not knowing when “it’s right in front of her face” is a very big clue as to what to do…

Humans crave comfort, love, and support. We long to be safe, warm, well fed, and secure. When it comes to a partner, these items are usually high on the list of “wants.” The rules of relationships are simple (although in practice, it’s never easy to follow them). If someone “wants” you, they will let you know. There should be no question as to whether or not they like what you are offering, and want it in their life.

From where I’m sitting, it looks like you are prepared to provide, or work together to have all of those things, and yet, she is not running into your arms, and accepting comfort, love, and support from you. She is resistant to your good nature and care. Pay attention to that! I believe that ultimately, our fate is our own. For her to believe that things will go wrong because they “always do” indicates that she has a pattern of this in her life. She is the common denominator in those situations. (Now, I should point out that I’m in no way implying that people deserve everything they get. However, when it comes to life patterns and negative experiences, we have the power to change them for the better.)

Fear is not positive. It holds people back, and prevents them from experiencing, embracing and enjoying good things. She is scared she will miss out on a great guy, yet you are right next to her! You could be all that she wants and more, but if she is too scared to go for it, you will be left waiting, and in the end, heart broken.

In answer to your question, I think there is a third option! I believe you should take all your goodness, care and support, and find someone who sees it, wants it, and embraces it. What could make you feel better about yourself than that?

Standing up for ourselves is never easy, but I really do think you can do better.

Good luck!

Tita

Q: I’m a 26-year old male, and my dilemma is that I’m shy. What is the best way in your opinion for a guy to judge a girls interest? There is a girl who works at a diner near my work. I see her every morning. She rushes to serve me before any of the other girls can. Am I right in thinking her actions are a sign she may be interested in me? I wish everything was as simple as working on my car LOL. I feel like if I make an ass out of myself by asking her if she wants to catch up, it may jeopardize my breakfast ritual – and that would be bad! Hope I’m not being an uber creep.

A: First of all, women are all about body language. We like to drop subtle hints to let people know we are interested. Usually it involves smiling, joking, laughing, and subtle touches like on the hand or shoulder. It seems like she may have interest in you but it’s hard to say as an outsider. There is of course a chance that she is being overly friendly since you are a regular and she might be trying to get a good tip, but do you really want to let that stand in your way? I think you would regret not asking her out more than being turned down. You only live once so take the chance and ask her to coffee or something simple!

Good luck!
Setsuka
Xoxo

Got Problems? Let SuicideGirls’ team of Agony Aunts provide solutions. Email questions to: gotproblems@suicidegirls.com

by Yashar Ali

I don’t like to drink. I don’t like the taste of alcohol. And, outside of a handful of memorable drinking stories that my friends and I repeatedly share with each other, I don’t get drunk and I don’t like to get drunk. I also don’t like the loss of time that comes with a hangover and the loss of control that comes with drinking.

And it’s not because I have a drinking problem. I never have. I just don’t like drinking alcohol, it’s simply not part of my life.

Even though I am in my early thirties, I still face this incredible pressure – peer pressure – to drink. I am talking about the kind of pressure we’re reminded of when we think of teenagers, college students, or those in their early twenties, and how our friends, during this phase of our lives, were pushing us to drink.

Although we often think peer pressure in drinking is tied to a younger more footloose group, to twenty-somethings who are still finding themselves, I’ve discovered through my own experience and through learning about the experiences of my readers, that age and professional status really plays no role in whether someone will pressure or be pressured. Men and women in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s are doing the pressuring.
It seems to me that social pressure to drink is more a cultural issue than an age issue.

I even have friends who claim they could never be in relationship with a person who doesn’t drink. Because that’s what every solid relationship is built on: consumption of alcohol.

In (Western) adult social culture, alcohol is a primary and important component of being part of a group, and people who are not interested in alcohol or dislike the taste, are subject to pressure to drink. They, in turn, are forced to find or create, what are deemed “legitimate reasons” for not joining in with the drinking. Failure to drink creates a barrier between the drinkers and those people, who, for various reasons, choose not to drink alcohol.

Why are we judging and pressuring people who don’t drink and why do we make them justify or explain their reasons for refusing alcohol?

Alcohol (and drinking) is a part of the wide range of social pressures in our culture and it’s part of the fabric of many people’s lives. However, it’s not an insignificant thing to ask and pressure someone else to drink.

I get that alcohol helps people loosen up in social settings, but it creates a barrier between people who choose to drink and people who don’t. And this barrier sets the tone for who talks to, and who hangs out with whom. It’s as if alcohol is the social glue that keeps us together, and if we don’t have it and are faced with some people who drink and some people who don’t, things seem to get off-balance and uncomfortable.

The idea of someone who doesn’t drink is so foreign to some people that we sometimes falsely assume that the person who is not drinking has a past of alcohol abuse or we force these non-drinkers to constantly explain themselves.

Mindy, a reader from Chicago in her early 30’s, often deals with new friends or colleagues who assume she was an alcoholic or member of A.A., because she chooses not to drink.

So when it comes to socializing, do we only have two categories for people: sober alcoholic or drinker? There are so many people that fall in between these two categories, they’re not really sober, but they’re also not active drinkers.

A friend of mine who works in corporate advertising commented on the pressure she feels when ordering a glass of water or lemonade at a restaurant with colleagues when everyone else is ordering wine or a cocktail, “I’m made to feel like I’m not an adult.”

Susie, a 38 year-old paralegal found herself being excluded from activities at work, because she barely drank.

“You won’t want to come out tonight because you don’t drink,” she would hear from her co-workers in an almost sympathetic tone (she would always be included in activities that didn’t include heavy drinking).

“I can still have a good time without drinking. It’s not like I’m standing there with my arms crossed at a bar, frowning. I just wonder if they feel judged if I am not doing shots with them and that’s why I’m not being included.”

For Susie and other people in her situation, the social interaction between colleagues, the same interaction that often aides people in their careers, is something that is stripped from her. Unless she’s willing to drink to intoxication, people just don’t feel comfortable having her around and so, Susie misses out on one part of professional networking.

My friend Erin, who is in her late 30’s, found her second pregnancy to be the saving grace, in terms of alleviating the pressure that comes with drinking, “I find it a relief now that I’m visibly six months pregnant, because I can point to my belly and say, ‘Sorry, I can’t!’”

“It will be a drag when I have to go back to explaining to people, ‘No really, I just don’t like it.’”

Having an excuse, whether it’s an illness or pregnancy, seems to offer a reprieve to those who don’t want to drink. But it still doesn’t make sense to me. I understand (but don’t accept) the social pressure to drink during high school and college-age years, but why are adults so obsessed with their friends, family, and colleagues drinking?

And why do there seem to be real, social consequences for people who don’t care to learn the difference between a Chardonnay and a Cabernet?

Yashar Ali is a Los Angeles-based columnist, commentator, and political veteran whose writings about women, gender inequality, political heroism, and society are showcased on his website, The Current Conscience. Please follow him on Twitter and join him on Facebook.

He will be soon releasing our first short e-book, entitled, A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy — How We Teach Men That Women Are Crazy and How We Convince Women To Ignore Their Instincts. If you are interested and want to be notified when the book is released, please click here to sign-up.

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A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy

by Laurelin

The internet. It’s everywhere, connecting everything all the time. People don’t need to shop outside the house anymore, you can just order whatever you want from the internet and have it delivered. Clothes, shoes, groceries and…men? I have been aware of internet dating for a few years now, and I always turned up my nose at the thought of it. Seriously, if you can’t get out into the world and meet and connect with someone on your own than you probably should stop trying.

That’s an ignorant thing to say, I’m acutely aware of that now. Not everyone is [un] lucky enough to be in bars every night where members of the opposite sex are foaming at the mouth and leaving phone numbers scribbled on beer soaked cocktail napkins. But the other day I got to thinking. Maybe I have been going about this all wrong. I know I tend to meet the same type of guy over and over again at bars: young party types with more muscles than brains. Internet dating, while a product of a technological world, seems to take dating back to basics: conversation and actually getting to know someone.

After a talk with a girlfriend about her experiences in the world on online dating, I wound up joining a site that was basically just another app for my iPhone. My girlfriends and I started off my just browsing the guys just like we would online shop. Look at this one, ooooh, look at that one, he’s tall, cute, this one has a good job, this one has pictures of his cat. It was quite addicting. Soon we were getting a few messages a day and spending nights at work reading them and giggling. People have no shame online; some of the messages were dirty, some had poetry, some were simple and to the point. Some actually made me laugh, and one day I found myself replying, and before I knew it I was getting to know this… stranger.

He was nothing like me, and was like no one I would ever normally meet in a bar. Messaging back and forth online, we got to know a little about one another, answering questions that should have come out right away with other boyfriends but that never came up while we were too busy chugging beer and sleeping in. Then this guy asked the inevitable question– want to meet in person? I froze. I don’t know. Was it safe? I HATE DATING. I don’t even like going on dates with people I sort of know. As social of a person as I am, just the though of an actual date with someone I’m trying to get to know is more terrifying than bungee jumping into the grand canyon.

I took a breath and clicked reply. “Yes,” I said. “Let’s meet for coffee.” (Coffee?! Coffee?! It’s not beer!! What do I do?!) So we did. The day before Thanksgiving I found myself sitting in a coffee shop in Harvard Square, awaiting a stranger. He came, and he was just like his pictures. Tall, cute, and so nice. He was in grad school and had just moved to Boston, we came from similar families and while there was sometimes a lull in the conversation we managed to get through about an hour before deciding to part ways. I have never been more proud of myself, thinking outside the box and making myself take a leap into the unknown to try something new and scary.

I don’t think that the whole experience was exactly for me, but I did learn that I can see why it’s for a lot of people. It makes a lot of sense now, and it’s kind of nice to know that in the future should I want to meet someone new I can always try it again. But for now, I gratefully turn back to my safe bar scene, and the comforts of a fully stocked bar to help me get through conversation. I don’t think I want to date anyone for a while, whether in the digital or the analogue. The guys I meet normally, the young and muscled, the hipsters, the career bartenders, they are what I need right now. They’re all helping me get over a heartbreak that, after trying to date someone new, I’ve come to realize is still a bit too fresh. I need some more time I guess, and probably another martini…

[..]